To think that having no enemies usually means you’re a people pleaser, not a good person?

[ThisDreamyBeaker]

If you never upset anyone, ever, it probably means you’re avoiding saying what you really think, setting boundaries, or standing for anything difficult. AIBU to think having absolutely no enemies isn’t a sign of being good - it’s a sign of being afraid to rock the boat?

I have managed to maintain reasonably civil relationships with people that I fired. I was badly harassed by an individual who had it in for me and ended up signed off work due to his abuse. I am the only person on speaking terms with everyone else on my mum's side of the family - not that I regularly exercise the right with that bunch of drama queens.

We're complex creatures. I'm not a people pleaser, but I rarely see intrinsic value in exchanges where I'm trying to change someone's opinion or behaviour. If you want to call it avoidant, fine. Since the things I'm avoiding are drama-filled nonsense, I'm happy with that.

People who must CHALLENGE every single OFFENCE against them are exhausting. When you've dealt with one drama they'll come up with another.

But why have you had so much conflict in your life?
Some people seem to lead lives with so much constant drama and aggression
Even in relationships with the strongest feelings, like romantic, yes I've felt sad/disappointed/angry at the time, but I've got over it.

I can maybe understand that if someone had, for example, cheated on you repeatedly someone might still hate them years later but at most that would be one "enemy" (and I still wouldn't call them that!). Same with a childhood bully.

Other than that I just don't have stand up arguments and conflicts with friends, colleagues, family. We might disagree (although tbh rarely strongly) or get annoyed with each other, but we move past it and still love/like/at bare minimum respect each other enough to work with. I don't think that makes me a people pleaser, I think it makes me an adult!

Some people just don't lead dramatic lives but there's no correlation between that and being a people pleaser!

Reading ‘enemies’ over and over is giving me that weird experience where a word starts sounding made-up and loses its meaning!

I don't believe there is anyone who has got to adulthood without ever upsetting one person.

I do believe that there are people who are genuinely really easy going and nice people, you would need to be a dick to ever be an enemy to those kind of people.

Obviously there is people pleasing situations but it is not the only reason.

I understand your point OP, but it's a very nuanced thing. I have a family member who on paper is a ' people pleaser', and is all things to all people, so technically never falls out with anyone. But our family is incredibly toxic and narcissistic, and she's learnt a strategy that will prevent her from being attacked or scapegoated. In reality, she tells people what they want to hear, has no loyalty to others, will not take a position against the bullies and sits on the fence because it suits her to make her life easier. Does that make her a good person? Not at all. It makes her self serving, insincere and ultimately as bad as the others, but better at disguising it. Her methods have worked well and she is protected from ' enemies'.

Do you have a particular person in mind that has a people pleasing personality that you are comparing yourself too, or just a random thought around your situation.

You have a point. But people can become your enemy even if you have not had a row or disagreement. People can literally turn on you at any given moment and sometimes you simply never know why?

I don’t use the word ‘enemies’ unless I’m talking about fiction. It’s a ridiculous word to use to talk about adult human relationships. I don’t know how many people like me and how many don’t. I keep myself to myself and avoid drama. I expect some people think I’m a twat but that doesn’t have any impact on me.

I don’t have enemies - I’m not Sheldon Cooper!

Don't be daft you can have no enemies and not be a people pleaser you can be nice and have boundaries.

Ok Lex Luthor

Also something to point out is for me it’s very important to have personal boundaries. But I don’t go around telling people what they are all the time, because to me they are fairly standard red lines in how one would want to be treated.

If someone breaks one of those boundaries then unless what they have done is egregious, I will either avoid that person or avoid coming into a situation where the issue will arise again. So a friend has a bit of a reputation for being a late payer and I had to chase her down multiple times for payment for something. It wasn’t a huge amount and I knew she would eventually pay, but I considered it rude as I had gone to the bother of organising us. I got the money and in future I will simply ask for payment up front before I book anything. No need to make a huge drama out of it.

I worry that OPs like this have children and they spout their views as though it’s the gospel to them.

I don’t have enemies
I am not a people pleaser

does that make your brain implode OP?

I've maybe upset a few people in my time, mostly unintentionally, but i definitely don't have enemies. The fact that they are able to tell me I've upset them, or don't permanently fall out with me, is hopefully a good sign that I'm reasonable to get on with and not an arsehole. I wouldn't say it means I'm a pushover.

If I can't stand someone I just avoid them, I don't waste my time on people I dislike. Again, I think that's a better way of protecting my boundaries than needlessly getting in their orbit.

I suspect we are all now OP’s enemies, having violated her boundaries by disagreeing. I fear the wrath of her vengeance.

OP, there is a VAST spectrum of experiences and dynamics between people pleasing and having enemies. Your posts are mega fucking lolzzzz.

I wouldn’t say i’d never upset anyone ever, but I have a lot of friends and few enemies. A colleague joked to an ex colleague of mine they were trying to find someone who worked for me who didn’t like me, and he said that won’t happen. Am I a people pleaser? Yes, but i’m also not a push over, and not afraid to tackle issues, but I always do it with kindness.

I think you're confusing "having enemies" with "having had people sulk at you/get the hump with you and not talk to you for a bit". It's not the same.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who find me irritating, who don't really care for me or who would prefer not to have to sit next to me at dinner. Not everyone will be your friend. But that isn't the same as having an "enemy".

Having good boundaries shouldn't equate to having enemies either. If you can assert yourself without becoming upset or aggressive there shouldn't need to be any drama.

Mine are in my head

How much of a shitty person do you have to be to have enemies as an adult. That's absolutely bizarre.

Only person I can think of alive is Trump and the MAGA crew. All shitty people in my opinion.

now you can add the OP to your list!