To think that having no enemies usually means you’re a people pleaser, not a good person?

[ThisDreamyBeaker]

If you never upset anyone, ever, it probably means you’re avoiding saying what you really think, setting boundaries, or standing for anything difficult. AIBU to think having absolutely no enemies isn’t a sign of being good - it’s a sign of being afraid to rock the boat?

Enemies might sound dramatic to you but I think most adults have at least a few people who dislike them, especially if they’ve ever stood firm on something unpopular. Call them what you like: grudges, tensions, fallouts… it still counts.

Enemies is quite exagerrated OP. There are people I dislike at most but I don't have any enemies. How old are you?

How would you know though?

Most people don't show their little black book to others.

Having enemies just means that you have unresolved issues. Some people don't leave things unfinished and are prepared to have those difficult, necessary conversations.

I’m sure there are many people who don’t like me. I’m sure there are many people who don’t care either way. I know there are many who do like me.

I don’t have enemies because I’m not a superhero with a nemesis. Nor an 8 year old with a flair for the dramatic.

I think the term enemy is strong in fairness - but I'd say that if you have enemies then you either have problems with boundaries and being respectful yourself or you have been highly unfortunate in the people who've come into your life who have problems with boundaries and respect.

I would think that someone who gets along with everyone has good social skills, healthy clear boundaries and can be honest but tactful and is loyal and takes accountability for themselves.

Obviously when someone moves from being a people pleaser to having better boundaries, this can be jarring for some people and some 'friendships' won't make the cut. But I think most things can be navigated with a fairly amicable outcome provided all the people involved are reasonable.

Someone disliking you doesn't make them your enemy.
What do you think an enemy is? Just someone who doesn't like you?
Because that's not an enemy.

Being an enemy takes effort and action.

Just not liking someone requires nothing more than a feeling.

I get that enemies sounds strong but it’s shorthand for people who actively dislike you, hold a grudge or work against you in some way. The post isn’t about cartoon villains, it’s about how conflict is often a side effect of boundaries or authenticity. If that’s never happened to you, fair enough. But the question still stands.

Sure, some conflict can be resolved and I’ve definitely had those hard conversations when it’s been worth it. But not all situations end with mutual understanding or closure. Sometimes people don’t want to resolve things. Sometimes drawing a boundary or walking away is the resolution. Having no enemies isn’t always a sign of maturity- it can also be a sign that someone avoids conflict at all costs.

I think perhaps your total lack of humour or self awareness might be the reason for your plethora of enemies

I can’t think of anyone who might actively dislike me. I think the whole concept of “boundaries” can become a bit over-construed: if somebody isn’t bringing me joy or a friendship or social relationship has reached the end of the road, I just allow it to fade out and let each of us get on with our lives. There’s no conflict, or grand gesture of “setting a boundary” and causing animosity which might be enemy-making. I presumed that’s how most adults tried to navigate their social relationships.

People like me because I’m easygoing, I say what I mean and mean what I say so communicating with me isn’t a battle of second-guessing, and I don’t have any interest in cultivating relationships which are anything else. It’s a much healthier way to be.

A good way to acquire 'enemies' is to be the sort of person who always believes they are right, and finds it completely impossible to reconsider their position , even when 100% of responses on a forum tell them they are wrong.

It can also be about how you draw your boundaries. Some people always seem eager to agressively tell others how it is while mature people calmly state how they feel about the matter without making the other person feel bad.

If i have any i dont know about them.
Im a loner an love it.

Or it just means you’re not 5 years old…

I think there are nice people who don’t like to cause fall-outs and then there are those that bloody love a fall out and a ding-dong. I have no enemies and have never fallen out with friends. Neither have my parents. But I have family members and friends that absolutely a drama. Always not talking to people, always firing off stroppy texts. They love it and thrive on it. If not getting involved in that sort of thing makes me a people pleaser then so be it.

I am not sure if I have enemies, I don't think anyone would necessarily know, perhaps some. I am sure I have people who dislike me. I am a people pleaser in many ways and I have issues with boundaries so it's something I am working on. I tend to agree with you OP.

Hard disagree.

You can also set boundaries with and say no or upset people you love. You can still have boundaries and not be a people pleaser whilst keeping people around. Saying no doesn’t instantly mean your close friends or family will ditch you and become a “enemy” as you call it

I think having ‘enemies’ means you’re a warlord, a paranoid conspiracy theorist, or a villain in a children’s cartoon. Having people you don’t particularly get on with is normal. Having multiple active and lovingly nurtured conflicts, or constantly falling out with people, means you’re tiresome and immature.

You don’t need to be a doormat to have decent relationships with most people you come into contact with. You do need emotional stability and social skills.

What??? There's a huge difference between "never upsetting anyone ever" and "having enemies" ffs!

I literally don't think I've ever had anyone who I'd describe as an enemy in my entire life. Its a ridiculously overdramatic term unless you're a Disney character.

Of course I've had arguments and disagreements with people but thats just being human! Most of these have been got past or resolved - at the very most I'd file them under people I dislike but wouldn't describe them as enemies!

To suggest that unless you have ongoing enmity towards multiple individuals you're a weak willed people pleaser is ridiculous.

I have a couple I not so much consider enemies, but if the ever crossed my path again, it wouldn’t turn out well for them.

I'm absolutely a doormat and a people pleaser but even I rub up people the wrong way. A lot. I don't think it's mutually exclusive.

Or maybe the fact thwt you are a people pleaser means that you don't have the best social skills and are therefore more likely to annoy people?

Anyway, I agree with your post. At least I would like to think thst it's possible to be assertive without being offensive but it's pretty hard.

I consistently set boundaries with certain people in my family so that they don’t piss me off or take advantage.

I don’t think of them as my enemies though. They’re family members with whom I have tricky relationships.

Having no enemies= having discretion and not being a drama queen. Or king.