I sort of know IABU, but would this bother you? Neighbours always in the garden.

[Newhomeandgarden]

DP and I bought and moved into our new house about 3 months ago. The garden was a big feature for us. The problem is that our next door neighbours clearly think so too - they’re always out in theirs and I mean always. The husband works from a home office at the bottom of the garden, the wife often brings her laptop out and works at the garden table, or else doing yoga on the grass or just sits there reading with a drink. It just makes me feel like they’re always just right there, lurking, and I feel really self-conscious when I sit in our garden and especially if DP and I have a conversation out there that they’re listening in on it. DP doesn’t want to rock the boat because they aren’t noisy or antisocial as such and we moved to get away from nightmare neighbours, but I’m just devastated that it looks like we’re going to end up in the same situation in what was meant to be our fresh start.

I know I can’t exactly ask them not to use their garden, but it just feels so unfair that I can’t relax in my own home because it’s like living next to a public park!

What do you propose to say to them? Please don’t use your own garden when we are in ours?
Yabu. They aren’t nightmare neighbours they are quietly doing what they want in their own garden. I’m not sure what you think is a nightmare neighbours but this isn’t it

I just wanted things to be normal and peaceful after feeling on edge all the time.

But… everything IS peaceful and normal. The neighbours don’t bother you or make excessive noise. You haven’t argued with them. They haven’t “ganged up on you” - a) you’ve barely even spoken to them and b) they are friendly with their other neighbours - not a crime. And not a judgement of you. They’ve just known them longer.

The problem here is not with your neighbours. It’s that your anxiety has turned this into an issue when nothing is actually happening.

I think the problem is you don’t like having people near you.
You need to move to a property with no neighbours.

They are in their garden. They can be in their garden as much as they like and the fact you have a problem with their presence is your problem not theirs.

You need to move

I know this is a derail but it’s just So lovely to see someone who loves plants !

We just sold our old house and the new buyers have cut down all the trees ( about 12 ) front and back.
Removed all the mature shrubs ( like yours ) and hedges. Got rid of the grass and laid plastic fake grass crap. The garden was an oasis of wildlife covering about 2/3 acre.

You’ve created a lovely haven for you and wildlife there 😄

I just wanted things to be normal

But things are normal. Surely you must see that it's normal for people with gardens to spend time in them? Your current neighbours aren't being noisy or antisocial. They're using their garden as a garden in lovely weather. There's nothing that's abnormal about that.

I appreciate that you might have had problem neighbours before, but your current neighbours are doing nothing that isn't normal.

Yes, I was also envying @gottakeeponmoving ’s garden. I am a novice trying to make a garden out of a steeply-sloping derelict site!

Having horrible neighbours is a nightmare and you’re probably scarred from the last house but you do need to chill, not all are the same. They are allowed to have bbqs themselves/friends over and yes perhaps a late night once in a while in hopefully a respectful manner. They dont sound to be like the typical chavvy neighbours who will be shouting and squealing until 2am.

id definitely do something about the fence. In fact i would get a 6 foot one put up in parallel to theirs literally side by side. That should ensure privacy and plant some bushes etc.

Gosh that sounds like hard work but ultimately will pay off tenfold in the end.

💐

I think you are being unreasonable as they have as much right to be out there doing what they want to do as you do and I think you realise that. No way would I be bringing it up ! But I do understand you sound like a fellow hermit , introvert and possible social anxiety sufferer who wants their little bit of peace , their retreat of their garden.
When I first moved into our terraced home 25 years ago there was a little picket fence so absolutely no privacy . Fortunately the lady next door was even less sociable than me and used to only go out to hang her washing / mow the lawn . Thinking back she probably hated my presence especially when we had our son although not noisy we were out there a lot. Other side of the fence very friendly and has become one of my best friends .
Winds blew the picket down so a couple of years down the line we had much higher fencing a relief to us all I think. A new lady bought the house of the introverted neighbours house but is still doing it up 3 years later and hasn’t moved in yet. Intermittent renovation noises but not bothered by that too much but she seems very sociable so once she does move in she will probably have lots of friends round and my middle aged peace will be shattered 😂

You need to befriend these people asap, as hard as it is, or it will just get worse for you. You sound very sensitive and anxious which is fine, I can relate, but it will come across as unfriendly. Offer them baked goods or something!

Make jokes, throw their balls back, etc. It will be so much easier for you to use your garden if you’re on friendly terms.

Have you spoken to them? You might actually like them as people… say hi and carry on about your business.

Im confused

Why is it ok for you to want to be in your garden, but not for them to be in yours?

Given this was issue previously, the issue is clearly with you and maybe you should have considered this when buying. Especially as you specifically state that the garden was a big draw, it serves to be reasonable that others would think so too (ie neighbours)

Do as others suggest and put your own, bigger fence in your own garden

I have to agree that the OP latest post screams paranoia - she’s feeling “ganged up on” because neighbours who have probably known each other for years, are friends? Jeez.

OP, have you done anything to try to make friends? Bet not.

Utterly bonkeroonie.

I can be super paranoid too so I say this gently but I believe there might some trauma or mental health issue involved.

I was bullied in the workplace for a number of years by various people until 3 new staff came, saw what was happening and basically helped me put an end to it before I left. I feel that’s made me hyper-sensitive to feeling ganged up on.( An Hr investigation upheld my claims btw as i’d documented things well and had witnesses to some of the things and they paid me compensation - so I wasn’t paranoid on that matter! ).

I do agree the fears seems to be unfounded though and Op is of course BU but I think there may be reasons for this.

I think the difference is in my case I wouldn’t normally voice my paranoia, I just try and be logical and silence the niggling wee voice telling me they’re all against me 😂

This.

what 'rocking of the boat' have you been voicing to DH?

It’s separate gardens ….. not shared.

You're being absolutely batshit mental.

Your tall trellis is a good idea. Just because they have a fence doesn’t prevent you from installing a fence on your own property. You could also have a partition just at your patio area. Makes a cosy nook and screens wind. Our ndn had one even after we installed 2 metre fence. Just let them know ahead of time.
Is it a chain link fence that they have?
You could put up a gazebo and buy a privacy patio screen. There are all sorts of easy inexpensive ideas online.
I'm invested, as I would never want to go outside if it wasn't private.

I’ve taken on board people’s comments and I know I do have to build my confidence and realise that our previous experience is making me feel this way, but some posts seem unfair. Before we were in our old house with the bad neighbours, we lived places where it seemed there was an unspoken code that if you hear your neighbours are out in their garden eating lunch or whatever you respect their privacy and don’t go out at the same time. Like most people I’d love a detached house but we live in an expensive part of the country so don’t have that option. I’ve asked DP to start looking into putting up a bigger fence on our side but I also worry that’s going to make them think we’re snobby and turn against us.

I’ll try and have a friendly chat next time I see one of them, I don’t mind being pleasant to them if we see them but I don’t really want to be friends with neighbours, me and DP are homebirds who enjoy each other’s company and don’t go out a lot or drink plus if you get too friendly with neighbours and then something goes wrong it’s not like you can just say goodbye and end the friendship there’s always going to be tension that I have to live with. They seem fine for now but you know you get an impression of whether somebody is your sort of person or not and I don’t think their mine.

Good grief you’re making yourself sound worse with every update. There is absolutely no “unspoken code” that you can’t go in the garden if the neighbours are out! Bonkers.

I don’t mind being pleasant to them if we see them

How magnanimous of you

Meant to click yabu

I have never heard of a code about when you can and can't use your own garden.
That's just ridiculous.

jeez not very neighbourly are you?

I'm baffled at the thought of not using your own garden to respect your neighbours 'privacy'. There is a fence and it's perfectly possible for people to enjoy their gardens at the same time.