I sort of know IABU, but would this bother you? Neighbours always in the garden.

[Newhomeandgarden]

DP and I bought and moved into our new house about 3 months ago. The garden was a big feature for us. The problem is that our next door neighbours clearly think so too - they’re always out in theirs and I mean always. The husband works from a home office at the bottom of the garden, the wife often brings her laptop out and works at the garden table, or else doing yoga on the grass or just sits there reading with a drink. It just makes me feel like they’re always just right there, lurking, and I feel really self-conscious when I sit in our garden and especially if DP and I have a conversation out there that they’re listening in on it. DP doesn’t want to rock the boat because they aren’t noisy or antisocial as such and we moved to get away from nightmare neighbours, but I’m just devastated that it looks like we’re going to end up in the same situation in what was meant to be our fresh start.

I know I can’t exactly ask them not to use their garden, but it just feels so unfair that I can’t relax in my own home because it’s like living next to a public park!

I have been known to feel 'awkward' going into my own garden when the neighbours are out there. I moved after thirty years in a detached house with no neighbours other than sheep and it's a bit of a shock to find someone sunbathing right next to where I'm gardening with only a fence between us. Thankfully my neighbours know the etiquette I am struggling with and, apart from a 'morning!' (which might be followed by a conversation with one neighbour if I am obviously receptive) they leave me alone and avoid eye contact and just do their own thing. I've learned now to just 'greet and get on with it' and we can all sit in our own gardens without interference.

You'll pick it up, OP, I think. Smile when eye contact is made, say good morning, then get on with your reading/planting/sunbathing. Most people know how it's done, it's just a matter of practice.

Do be careful OP. Disputes with neighbours are horrible and these folk haven’t done anything wrong, it’s your old neighbours who kept you awake. Try to make friends then you won’t feel so stressed and anxious.

You are relating two issues which a) is not healthy for you and b) unfair on your neighbours.

You have moved away from nightmare neighbours to neighbours. Enjoy that joyous moment of moving from a nightmare and get on with your life.

You being self conscious is something for you to overcome by separating the things that don't personally impact you. It is unreasonable to let somebody's presence in their own garden have such an impact on you

You really need to reframe all of this in your head as the only person who is a problem at the moment is YOU.

Firstly, I'm not too sure why you bought a property with a shared front pathway and shared side return and low fence in between gardens under these circumstances. You can't do anything about the first two but you can put up a taller fence against their own fence.

But for the sake of friendly neighbour relations, why don't you talk to your neighbours and say that you would like to pay for taller fencing between both of your gardens to give both of you a little bit of privacy?

Then you really do need to tackle the wronged perceptions of things like
"being ganged up on" when your neighbours are friendly with their own neighbours. This is just overblown dramatics.
Accepting shared spaces are just that - shared.
Garden enjoyment is for everybody and nobody is listening into your conversations - nobody is interested frankly.

You don't have to build a close relationship with neighbours if you don't want to, but in close quarters maintain friendly salutations etc.

"It’s a low fence, only about chest height, and it’s their fence so we can’t do much about it. But I’ll look at things like a trellis."
You can put up a higher fence of your own inside your garden. You'll lose, what, maybe four to six inches of your garden? Worth it for the privacy, surely? I would mention it to them before doing it, just say you'd really like more privacy so that's what you're doing.

"The new neighbours are clearly very pally with the neighbours on the other side of them, they go over to each other’s a lot and I think I’m just sensitive at finding myself in another situation where I feel ganged up on because they’re all friends and don’t want anyone else in their patch."
You're making assumptions based on your old neighbours, not these people. They get on well with their other neighbours, what's to stop them getting on well with you? Nothing, except how you choose to behave towards them. You say you "feel ganged up on" - but is that feeling just sparked by memories of your old neighbours? It sounds as if your new neighbours haven't pressed themselves on you - they're giving you the 'social space' to be as friendly or keep-to-yourself as you wish. That's not 'ganging up' on you. Quite the opposite.

"FYI our previous neighbours were constantly outside having people around for barbecues and drinking and that’s probably what’s putting me on edge with summer coming and thinking they’ll be the same."
Can you see that you being on edge is all about your old neighbours and not about the new? You're making assumptions. You could be wrong.

"We probably didn’t get off to the best start when we moved in, I didn’t mention that there’s stuff like we share a front path that leads into a shared side return and it just feels like they’ve claimed it as their own with stuff like painting the front gate and putting up lights."
When did this happen? In the three months since you moved there - or before? If before, how do you know it wasn't with the agreement of the previous owner of your house? If since, did the gate need painting? Are the lights security / motion sensor, or decorative? I don't see it as 'claiming it as their own'. Again, I think you're not seeing these new neighbours, you're still dreading the old.

"We probably didn’t get off to the best start when we moved in"
What does this mean? There's a big difference between you just looking at the gate and the lights and feeling a sense of dread but saying nothing, and you actually saying to them they shouldn't be doing that. What do you mean?

"I just wanted things to be normal and peaceful after feeling on edge all the time."
In my opinion, there is no evidence in what you've written that things cannot be normal and peaceful. You DO need to deal with your feelings. It seems to me that you are still feeling on edge all the time, and that is not good for you. I think you should take a deep breath, invite them round for tea/coffee or drinks, and get to know them. See that they are NOT your old neighbours, these are totally different people. Settle your fears that it's all going to be like the past.

It would also be a good time to bring up your plans for increasing the privacy in your garden. Maybe discuss the shared path/side return. Not in an accusatory way, but along the lines of 'what has happened before about shared maintenance of the area, how often does the gate need painting' kind of way. Get to know them. And settle your fears. ((hug))

Our garden is the same, but I would not dream of telling my lovely neighbours they must limit the time in their garden! I doubt your neighbours give a fig about the conversations you have in your own garden! Why would they?

there are people out there in the world in overcrowded accommodation who would give anything to be in your position. Count your blessings. Definitely a first world problem! Sorry.

I think there's probably something where the previous neighbours have made you edgy about all neighbours. So mentally reframe and go and talk to them and remove the stuff you have built up in your head. You don't have to be best friends but get to the taking in each others' parcels stage.

And then think about can you make a small private feeling area in your garden? It depends on layout, but rather than putting up a big fence along the boundary, can you put a trellis round the patio or somewhere else you sit? You then don't need anything super high, because it's close to you so the line of sight is more angled. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to feel one is in ones own space.

You possibly need to move again, like in the middle of a field.

I completely totally understand where theOP is coming from. I was exactly the same, I felt very uncomfortable being seen or heard by the neighbours and super self conscious. A me problem, but genuinely a problem for me. I grew hedges so that at least I felt invisible although I couldn't do anything about upstairs windows. I would have welcomed nosier neighbours in a way as being listened to made me far more anxious than someone else making noise that would drown me out.

I live rurally now, in a run down old house with no neighbours within a mile and am genuinely much happier despite no shops nearby, no streetlights and no bin collections!

You had problems with your previous neighbours

now your annoyed that your neighbours are in their own garden enjoying it

I would say it’s you who have a problem not the neighbors

She'd get annoyed at the scarecrow....

Nice people who get on with others and do yoga sound like my dream neighbours.

Have you thought about learning sign language or a less known foreign language, so you and your husband can talk privately about how much the lights out the front annoy you?

your previous 'nightmare neighbours' sin was having a barbeque in their own garden? I doubt your statement that it was 'several times a week'.
And you are upset that your new neighbours took the time and effort to paint a gate?
And why have you not made the effort to introduce yourself to them (albeit I don't know if they have made the effort either?) I know all the neighbours 5 houses down, plus another (at least) dozen households around... Makes life much more pleasant.
Plant bamboo!

OP, kindly, get a grip. They are using their own garden. They are doing nothing wrong. If you have a problem with that then that's a you problem. Even the fact you've thought about asking them to not use the garden(???), I think in this situation you are the nightmare neighbour.

If you didn't want neighbours then go live in the middle of nowhere. Absolutely ridiculous to be complaining about people using their own gardens.

Put up a fence or plants on your side of the boundary, get a summerhouse or construct some other way of screening yourselves off from your neighbours. This is entirely your problem, your neighbours have every right to use their garden and it sounds like they are making no noise or causing annoyance in any way at all.

And this is a radical idea I know, talk to them and get to know them, and then all this becomes way easier.

FYI our previous neighbours were constantly outside having people around for barbecues and drinking and that’s probably what’s putting me on edge with summer coming and thinking they’ll be the same

Oh no, someone called the police. THIS is what you class as a nightmare neighbour?

Give me strength.

Most of this is pre-empting based on what happened before. Remind yourself this is a different house with different neighbours and so a different scenario.

I honestly think if you force yourself just to go out and spend time in your garden and do your own thing, eventually, you'll more or less forget they're there.

When we moved a few years ago I noticed that roughly every 10-20 minutes or so, I would hear sirens of some kind, usually an ambulance. For the first few weeks it was really grating. Now, I don't notice it at all as my brain has realised it's part of the landscape and poses no threat - just like your neighbours.

If your worst fears are realised and they barbeque and party their way through the summer, then the only thing you can do is move house again.

I have never understood why chavs always communicate by shouting.. would be delighted to be enlightened!

You're utterly ridiculous.

Put a taller fence up on your side and stop being so bloody self conscious. Nobody cares - they clearly don't - what you do in your own garden.

This complaint is so ridiculous I am convinced the OP is just an Energy Vampire having a good feed at the expense of every contributor to this thread.

On balance they sound like good neighbours- quiet and predictable. You know how awful some neighbours can be- imagine living next door to some crackheads and let it go.

If your neighbours are "nightmares" because they sit in their gardens all the time you need to move to a remote house in the countryside somewhere. If they aren't naked and aren't making noise than they are only a nightmare in your head.

Simple, make friends with your neighbours.
Neighbours are great if you get good ones.
What exactly would you say to them, that they can not use their own garden because you want to use yours. They have paid for a house with a garden. Its their land, they can go onto their land whenever they like.
Antisocial behaviour is anither thing but they have not been antisocial.
It sounds like they have also been good neighbours by keeping the gate in good condition and lighting the path which benefits you.
Try and enjoy your neighbours, have a chat with them, enjoy living in a community.

or ACTUAL nightmare neighbours 🤷‍♀️🙄🙈

I wonder if it might help your anxiety if you tried to get to know them. I can imagine that sat so close to someone that you haven’t said much to must be a bit awkward.

Don’t not enjoy your garden.