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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I sort of know IABU, but would this bother you? Neighbours always in the garden.

625 replies

Newhomeandgarden · 14/05/2025 17:57

DP and I bought and moved into our new house about 3 months ago. The garden was a big feature for us. The problem is that our next door neighbours clearly think so too - they’re always out in theirs and I mean always. The husband works from a home office at the bottom of the garden, the wife often brings her laptop out and works at the garden table, or else doing yoga on the grass or just sits there reading with a drink. It just makes me feel like they’re always just right there, lurking, and I feel really self-conscious when I sit in our garden and especially if DP and I have a conversation out there that they’re listening in on it. DP doesn’t want to rock the boat because they aren’t noisy or antisocial as such and we moved to get away from nightmare neighbours, but I’m just devastated that it looks like we’re going to end up in the same situation in what was meant to be our fresh start.

I know I can’t exactly ask them not to use their garden, but it just feels so unfair that I can’t relax in my own home because it’s like living next to a public park!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
HidingFromDD · 15/05/2025 07:30

This has got to be a reverse

Lovethystupidneighbour · 15/05/2025 07:38

I think the moment you start getting twitchy about totally reasonable things it’s a downwards spiral. Before you know it you will be calling the police on the kids out front playing tag!!!

In all seriousness, find ways to be ok with it, because the annoyance will only get worse

greengreyblue · 15/05/2025 07:44

Probably already been said but YABU. If you can’t tolerate neighbours using their private property in a reasonable way without causing disturbance to you, you really need to buy an isolated house!

gannett · 15/05/2025 07:52

Newhomeandgarden · 14/05/2025 23:48

I did say in my post that I thought I was probably being unreasonable and I should be grateful they aren’t noisy - so far. FYI our previous neighbours were constantly outside having people around for barbecues and drinking and that’s probably what’s putting me on edge with summer coming and thinking they’ll be the same. The new neighbours are clearly very pally with the neighbours on the other side of them, they go over to each other’s a lot and I think I’m just sensitive at finding myself in another situation where I feel ganged up on because they’re all friends and don’t want anyone else in their patch.

It’s a low fence, only about chest height, and it’s their fence so we can’t do much about it. But I’ll look at things like a trellis. We probably didn’t get off to the best start when we moved in, I didn’t mention that there’s stuff like we share a front path that leads into a shared side return and it just feels like they’ve claimed it as their own with stuff like painting the front gate and putting up lights.

I just wanted things to be normal and peaceful after feeling on edge all the time.

Edited

You feel "ganged up on" because other people are friends with each other? And you think your neighbours are "listening in" on you if you talk in the garden (when they're just doing yoga or work)? I encourage you to seek professional help for your paranoia (or to just get over yourself if that's quicker).

They're not using their garden AT you and they're not being friendly with each other AT you. Have you made any effort to be friendly with them at all?

AirborneElephant · 15/05/2025 07:59

I understand where you are coming from given the history, but you really need to try not to assume these neighbours are like your previous ones. You haven’t even spoken to them, and they’ve done nothing at all wrong so far. In fact they sound very nice, maintaining shared areas, friendly with other neighbours, working and doing yoga.

If you like privacy then even if it is their fence there is nothing at all stopping you putting up a higher fence on your side of the boundary, or a hedge or trellis or whatever you want. But if you also don’t want to be excluded then please try to put aside your preconceptions and talk to them and try to get to know them.

radishgate · 15/05/2025 08:01

Your idea of a nightmare is very very different to mine Op. Get some therapy.

CheFaro · 15/05/2025 08:05

Newhomeandgarden · 14/05/2025 23:48

I did say in my post that I thought I was probably being unreasonable and I should be grateful they aren’t noisy - so far. FYI our previous neighbours were constantly outside having people around for barbecues and drinking and that’s probably what’s putting me on edge with summer coming and thinking they’ll be the same. The new neighbours are clearly very pally with the neighbours on the other side of them, they go over to each other’s a lot and I think I’m just sensitive at finding myself in another situation where I feel ganged up on because they’re all friends and don’t want anyone else in their patch.

It’s a low fence, only about chest height, and it’s their fence so we can’t do much about it. But I’ll look at things like a trellis. We probably didn’t get off to the best start when we moved in, I didn’t mention that there’s stuff like we share a front path that leads into a shared side return and it just feels like they’ve claimed it as their own with stuff like painting the front gate and putting up lights.

I just wanted things to be normal and peaceful after feeling on edge all the time.

Edited

But you have literally never spoken to these neighbours in the three months you’ve lived in the house, and your DH has spoken a total of once to one of them. You have no idea whatsoever whether they ‘don’t want anyone else on their patch’, and surely, given your crippling self-consciousness about being in your garden when they are in theirs, you should be glad they’re good friends with the people on their other side and go over there a lot?

They presumably painted and put lights on the shared gate with the agreement of the people who previously lived in your house, which suggests they got along well, so again, your idea that they’re ’hanging up’ on you sounds completely baseless. Are you always someone who picks over any given situation to find a negative?

ChristmasFluff · 15/05/2025 08:05

I must admit, I was expecting a much worse dripfeed than "they improved the shared access area, the utter, utter bastards!"

OP, I think if you can change your perception, then these could be lovely neighbours that are as friendly with you as they are with their neighbours on the other side, and this could be a healing experience rather than a repetition of the past.

MoistVonL · 15/05/2025 08:13

If you can’t have fun enjoying your garden because other people are enjoying theirs, this is very much a you problem.

MereNoelle · 15/05/2025 08:14

You ‘got off to a bad start’ because they’d made an effort to make the shared access pathways look attractive?
Genuinely I think you need to deal with the obviously unresolved feelings about your last neighbours because at the moment you’re in danger of sabotaging your relationship with your new neighbours for absolutely no reason.

Auntiebenita · 15/05/2025 08:22

Newhomeandgarden · 15/05/2025 01:13

I just wouldn’t do anything to something I knew was shared without checking with the other owners first. Our old neighbours really were bad and not friendly, all summer in the garden drinking and shouting until 1 or 2 am several nights a week so we couldn’t have our bedroom windows open when it was warm. The deeds say that side is their boundary so I believe that makes it their fence. We haven’t really spoken, well DP has spoken to the husband briefly when they were both out the front one day, but it was just chit chat.

Edited

Be friendly. Invite them round for drinks. Turn the conversation to neighbours and how glad you are to have got away from the awful ones you had in your last house, who were unfriendly, never gave you any privacy, partied late at night, etc. j

MereNoelle · 15/05/2025 08:24

Newhomeandgarden · 15/05/2025 01:13

I just wouldn’t do anything to something I knew was shared without checking with the other owners first. Our old neighbours really were bad and not friendly, all summer in the garden drinking and shouting until 1 or 2 am several nights a week so we couldn’t have our bedroom windows open when it was warm. The deeds say that side is their boundary so I believe that makes it their fence. We haven’t really spoken, well DP has spoken to the husband briefly when they were both out the front one day, but it was just chit chat.

Edited

Maybe they checked with the previous owners?

thegirlwithemousyhair · 15/05/2025 08:25

Yes unfortunately this is a side effect of not being able to buy a house with a sufficiently large enclosed garden which is not overlooked or bang slap next to someone elses garden...

I think your previous experience has set you on edge and predisposed you to feeling uncomfortable. I know having had an awful neighbour experience myself that you do become focused on the thing that stressed you out and you're kind of anticipating that it will happen again and that its being done deliberately. However, they are not your previous neighbours so I would try to approach it with an open mind and think of practical ways to create more of a border but also try and get to know your neighbours a little bit and it will change your perception of them and the situation. They're not out to get you. And if they know you, they will probably be better neighbours....

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 15/05/2025 08:26

Hi OP, I think you live and learn. And we used to live in a super sociable street, lots of flats so lots of neighbours both sides, upstairs, people in gardens out the front all over the place.
Everyone really friendly and got on, it was still a bit much. My partner started to really hate it. Lovely garden but neighbours in theirs and very overlooked. I'm not that keen on people myself but it started to really affect her.
So I found our current place to move to. Its a detached property and we have a private sports ground to the back and one side. And it's not overlooked. There are some compromises but we had to eliminate most of the neighbours, for my partners sanity.
It's a lovely feeling on Bank Holidays when it's so quiet here the cat jumps if a flyer is dropped through the door!
And we were in zone 2 in London we moved to just into zone 3.People have different tolerance for other people in their space and different ideas of their space. Its just one of those things.

Hotbathcoldknees · 15/05/2025 08:38

OP If you don't want to or can't address your feelings towards your neighbours behaving completely appropriately I think you should consider another move - to the countryside where you have no neighbours - it really does feel like a you problem and that's ok - it's taken you a while maybe to work that out - it's easily fixed, you just need to move house.

Calliecarpa · 15/05/2025 08:42

I've known my next-door neighbour since I was a teenager. She's away at the moment and I have a house key so I can look after her plants and pick up the post. I've also known the people on the other side of her for many years. I now have new neighbours on the other side of me, and it's just so bizarre to me that they might think they're 'being ganged up on' because I'm friendly with people I've known for literally decades. I'm becoming pretty friendly with the new neighbours too, and we sometimes have a chat when we're both out in our gardens. Again, so utterly bizarre that they might think I'm 'lurking' in my own garden or that it's 'unfair' that I'm sometimes out there.

OP, I'm sorry to hear that you've had inconsiderate neighbours before, but your anxiety is taking over and making you catastrophise and see things that aren't there. Your new neighbours aren't loud or aggressive, they're just using their own space in this lovely spring weather we're having, as they have every right to. Try to make an effort to get to know them and you'll soon realise that they're not the bogeymen you're assuming they are.

CheFaro · 15/05/2025 08:47

Newhomeandgarden · 15/05/2025 01:13

I just wouldn’t do anything to something I knew was shared without checking with the other owners first. Our old neighbours really were bad and not friendly, all summer in the garden drinking and shouting until 1 or 2 am several nights a week so we couldn’t have our bedroom windows open when it was warm. The deeds say that side is their boundary so I believe that makes it their fence. We haven’t really spoken, well DP has spoken to the husband briefly when they were both out the front one day, but it was just chit chat.

Edited

But presumably they did check with the other owners, and probably jointly decided on a paint colour etc? You have no reason to think otherwise. It’s just that the other owners weren’t you at the time. If you don’t like the paint or the lights, you need to speak up, though it’s not clear what you’re objecting to?

Sgreenpy · 15/05/2025 08:55

I live in a house and we have a shared gate with our neighbour. Our 'rule' is that he mends the gate (it is wooden) and I paint it every year or so. Works well for us.
Talk to you neighbours its much better than living in isolation.
If you feel you do need a higher fence then talk to your neighbours and discuss it.
Or put trellis planters down your side and put some plants in.

AtIusvue · 15/05/2025 08:57

Install pleached trees along the 5ft fence. Job done.

beesandstrawberries · 15/05/2025 08:59

Lurking? They are in their own home. So what you’re saying is that you have the right to be in your own garden, but they don’t? Got it

Croquembouchiere · 15/05/2025 09:01

Obviously YABU, but I also sympathise with you. I have neighbours on one side who grind my gears for no major reason. I just don't like them. They aren't super noisy or antisocial I just find them really irritating. They use their garden a lot and I use mine less and less when they're there as I don't want to hear them or them to hear me. I could list why they annoy me and honestly, I bet a lot of you would agree with me! But I have accepted this is a Me Problem. We are hoping to move house soon and I am going to try and find somewhere where I can't hear or see the neighbours if possible.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/05/2025 09:10

There are things called fences, which are designed for this purpose. You can even add trellis on top and then grow climbers all over them.
Just be thankful that you haven’t got kids next door screaming their heads off on a trampoline for hours (she said with feeling).

SonK · 15/05/2025 09:10

Come on OP - they have a right to be in their own garden.

If it makes you feel any better, I used to work in my garden all the time during the warmer months with noise cancelling headphones in.

Neighbouring gardens as expected when the weather is nice were filled with children and adults enjoying their time etc.

Not once did I listen on a conversation - was too busy working!

Also, I definitely wasn't bothered by the noise including lawn mowers, children splashing in paddling pools and screaming around playing.

If it bothered me, then I would have gone inside.

Your only solution is to get a higher fence or go inside when they are out as it is cleary bothering you.

Thingamebobwotsit · 15/05/2025 09:12

While I think you are BU, because I am assuming you chose the house with the 3ft fence between you, I think you need to be looking a bit more internally at why you feel this way. It isn't normal to feel quite so strongly, quite so early on in your new house about neighbours and there are plenty of landscaping options you can do to screen off all, or some of your garden, without looking like you dislike your neighbours. They sound like they maintain their property and are sociable. That is a big plus point in their favour. My guess this initial anxiety isn't something that is new for you, nor is it something specific to these neighbours when you look at it in more detail.

Good luck, I think you will need it, but don't position your issues as your neighbours as that is a slippery slope.

TinyGingerCat · 15/05/2025 09:14

You willing bought a house with a low fence between gardens when you previously had issues with neighbours. This makes no sense. When you were purchasing the solicitor would have marked up which fences were yours so you would have known you couldn't change this fence. I've had a nightmare neighbour ( police involved so really serious) so i know why you might be anxious. When she moved myself and other neighbours were incredibly jumpy about the people who moved in because we'd been on tenter hooks for over 3 years and you become conditioned to how problems start. However, new neighbours are lovely - you need to introduce yourselves and stop making nonsense up about your neighbours lurking in their own garden.