I sort of know IABU, but would this bother you? Neighbours always in the garden.

[Newhomeandgarden]

DP and I bought and moved into our new house about 3 months ago. The garden was a big feature for us. The problem is that our next door neighbours clearly think so too - they’re always out in theirs and I mean always. The husband works from a home office at the bottom of the garden, the wife often brings her laptop out and works at the garden table, or else doing yoga on the grass or just sits there reading with a drink. It just makes me feel like they’re always just right there, lurking, and I feel really self-conscious when I sit in our garden and especially if DP and I have a conversation out there that they’re listening in on it. DP doesn’t want to rock the boat because they aren’t noisy or antisocial as such and we moved to get away from nightmare neighbours, but I’m just devastated that it looks like we’re going to end up in the same situation in what was meant to be our fresh start.

I know I can’t exactly ask them not to use their garden, but it just feels so unfair that I can’t relax in my own home because it’s like living next to a public park!

They’re probably saying the same about you as you seem to always be in the garden when they are !

You are worried about feeling ganged up on because they seem friendly with the other neighbours, but you’ve been there 3 months and haven’t bothered to introduce yourself to them?

OP I know you’re feeling on edge, and realise you’re probably being unreasonable, but your post indicates that you are going to have a hard time virtually everywhere if you don’t find a better way of coping with your anxiety. Enjoy the peace annd calm. Be glad your neighbours can use their garden quietly. Accept some responsibility for how well you get on and what sort of relationship you have with them and go round and introduce yourself. Ask them over for a drink (in the garden!). Ask what the arrangements used to be about the shared access (don’t have even the smallest, passive aggressive dig at them for painting the gate or putting up the lights). About taking each post. Feeding cats when you go on holiday or whatever. Get to know them. And not just them. Talk to your other neighbours too if you are at all concerned about being a good neighbour or neighbourhood dynamics.

We lived in a detached bungalow and our neighbours (we had neighbours on one side and open fields on the other) were elderly and quiet. We saw them occasionally, had the odd coffee together and jogged along nicely. We are in our 70s, so similar in age. There was a tall wall between us and them so we (and they) weren’t overlooked. Sadly, the wife died and the husband went to live with his daughter.
The new family who moved in had three young children aged from three to 16. The older children often had friends round and spent some time in their garden chatting. Sitting out in our garden, we were not phased by this at all. They were lovely kids, well-behaved and nicely spoken. The little one had the odd tantrum but this was swiftly dealt with by the parents. They older ones often played football and tennis in the garden. Obviously, sitting out on our own garden, we could hear them but the (reasonable) noise they made was no problem for us. We quite enjoyed hearing the kids laughing and having fun.
Maybe if the family had been the family from hell, things would have been different, and people who have to suffer nastiness and inconsiderate behaviour have my sympathy. We were never close friends and didn’t socialise, due to the age difference but always had a chat if we met while out in the village.
I think that unless you can afford (and want) an isolated cottage in the country, noise will be a factor. If possible, learn to embrace it, Try to get on with neighbours. It makes things so much easier. Don’t look for problems!

I feel ganged up on because they’re all friends and don’t want anyone else in their patch.

I think you have a touch of imposter syndrome as well as feeling entitled beyond reason about them quietly using their garden as appropriate.

Are you perhaps anxious around other people and feeling uncomfortable about trying to fit in so would rather you weren’t reminded that other people do actually exist and furthermore, that they do have established social lives?

OP, you could smile more in your heart and feel grateful that the gate is painted and made pretty with lights. You could acknowledge your new neighbours nicely when you see them out in the garden, with a few kind words about the gate, a compliment about their lovely garden, a question about bins or something, and an invitation to pop over for a coffee or a glass or wine.

Your current resentment must be palpable to them when you are outside. Maybe they are feeling sad and disappointed because they were surely hoping for nice friendly new neighbours.

It takes a while to build up a relationship with new neighbours, but you do have to make an effort to be friendly yourself for it to happen.

Why not help yourself out here a bit here and give it a try. Drop all the old house bitterness and have an open, more relaxed and positive mind about your neighbours. Have hope and faith that you can be happy in your new neighbourhood and show that you are approachable and friendly.
Good luck OP. I hope you soon feel more settled.

We have high slatted fences and vines/climbing plants. It makes the garden feel much more private but it does affect the light available.

Everything is pointing to this being a you problem.

You sound like the difficult neighbour, you sound like your stand offish, you knew the fence was low, you knew which side was yours.

You are pre empting problems, you want a “normal” garden, which you’ve so far got.

they are “pally”, no they are friendly with the other neighbours, which you don’t like for some reason?

Not all nightmare neighbours are noisy, some are like you and just totally unreasonable at people enjoying their own garden

you needed to buy a detached house far away from anyone.

Maybe if you introduced yourself and said hello then it'd be less awkward
All they're doing is sitting in their own garden so yabu really

They probably DID check whether they could decorate the fence - with the PREVIOUS owners.

And you’re contradicting yourself - you said before that you didn’t get off to the best start with the new neighbours but now you’re saying you’ve barely spoken and it was just chit chat when your husband did. So which is it?

You are definitely the issue here. I expect to see your new neighbours posting their own thread on here anon.

So they mustn’t use their garden all the time so you can use yours some of the time?

Just knock on OP and explain to them that you would prefer them not to use their lovely garden that they have paid for and worked hard for. That you are devastated that you can’t use your garden because of their existence and that it would be appreciated if they only used theirs when you were out.

This cant be a real issue surely 😂

I think you need to move to a house that has no neighbours for at least half a mile.

How did you get off to a rocky start BTW?

Have a think about if you are having the same issues everywhere you go, could the issue be you and not everyone else...

I think, in a game of Nightmare Neighbours Top Trumps, your card wouldn't win much. I don't think your previous one would be a great card either; barbecue party till 2 just wouldn't score that high in the antisocial behaviour category.

You might find it helps to examine why you've had so many neighbours who just aren't that friendly, whilst simultaneously being friends with other neighbours.

What have you done, in an attempt to be friendly, that was rejected by them? Said hello first time you saw them and got ignored?

why on earth buy a property with a ‘shared’ pathway or a ‘shared’ anything like fences… you clearly think you are entitled to dictate to your neighbours what they can and can’t do with regards to their properties, oh and who to be friends with too…. whilst you are allowed to be in your garden whenever… i bet your husband is thinking you are deluded as well as the neighbours past and present

You can put up a fence, hedge, trees, trellis etc as long as it is on your own side of the boundary and doesn't harm their fence. Totally legal and totally reasonable. Just get it done asap before you start to get frustrated with them.

All these problems are in your head OP

OP buy long box planter, buy some bamboo. It gives great cover. It’s what I did. My bamboo is amazing (and safe in the planters) about 12 foot tall.

This is truly sad. Hopefully one day you will win big on the lottery and be able to buy your own island somewhere. Of course all the wildlife would have to be removed first.......

@Newhomeandgarden

If the garden privacy & peace/quiet was such an issue with your old house - enough for you to move, why would you then buy a new house with a short garden fence where you could clearly see & be seen by your neighbours?? Presumably you checked the deeds, too? And could see things like shared access & boundary lines? Whose fence it was? Yet you chose to buy the house anyway. This is on you. 🤷‍♀️

You sound like the more difficult neighbours. In 3 months you haven’t spoken to your neighbours or made friends with them. You resent their friendship with other people on the street and you resent them doing quiet stuff in the garden. I know you said you know you are unreasonable but your answers suggest otherwise. It sounds like you think you are right, that you have already branded them as a nightmare but you know it sounds mad when you write it down. But in your head you are convinced they are bad people destroying your peace!
What on earth will happen eg if they sell their house to a family with young kids?

I would grow a tall herbatious border on your side of the low fence. It will take a bit of time, but it is still worth it. Laurel, variegated pittosporum, pyracantha and other evergreen plants for full privacy, or even native hedging for seasonal privacy. That can include rambling roses. Or if you can fix a trellis to the top of the fence then clematis is nice and you can get evergreen varieties, as is climbing hydrangea.

I do understand where you are coming from OP though obviously your neighbours are entitled to use their garden as much as they like. Our original neighbours never sat out, only their kids played outside. Do we got used to having a certain privacy.

Current neighbours cut down all the shrubs and trees on their side. We did get some trellis to put on top of the fence and have some things growing on our side (though there seems to be something wrong with the soil as lots die off).

They host friends in their garden a lot and one of them works from a new garden office, often making calls on speakerphone in the evening which we can hear every word of.

But they generally nice people so am just sucking it up.

Nothing to stop you putting up a higher fence on your side along theirs. I’d hate it if people could see me pottering / sunbathing in my garden all the time.

God they’re are some totally unreasonable neighbours about, you and OP being good examples!

Glad my neighbours are neither of you pair.

They can cut their shrubs, they can entertain friends, they can use their gardens. It’s all part of their homes.

One of the first things I'd be doing if I bought a house with a low fence next to it is putting up my own high fence. This is such a simple resolution.

I do feel sorry for you that you had inconsiderate and rowdy neighbours previously who impacted your ability to enjoy your garden, let alone get a good night's sleep. Some people treat their garden as a party pad in the middle of a 30 acre estate with no one else around which is selfish and antisocial.

You may not end up as best buddies but you've got to show yourself to be a friendly and considerate neighbour for your own sake. If they knew the real reason for you appearing over their fence with a face like a cat's bum they would probably feel a degree of sympathy for you but as it is they will just think you're a bit hostile which is not a great start. Think about it: they have invested a lot of money in a garden home office so they would not want there to be annoying neighbours either side of them. You are still an unknown quantity to each other. Don't just sort the fence without talking to them. Go round and have a friendly chat.