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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my brother bringing a new girlfriend to see my dead father is inappropriate??

275 replies

Meeemeee88 · 14/05/2025 12:58

Basically my father passed away . The day AFTER this happened with everyone at my mums house obviously mourning , upset etc … my brother turns up with a new girlfriend ( first time anyone had met her !!) it was very awkward as we knew nothing about her etc . No one said anything as didn’t want to cause more upset . But he then brings her to view my father’s body a few days later !!! I’m sorry but isn’t this really inappropriate and just insensitive?? My mum isn’t happy about it but again no one wants to cause drama . I’m worried he will bring her to the funeral now but am I over reacting … maybe she has been supportive etc but timing is so off here isn’t it ? To introduce her now when they have only been other a short space of time .

OP posts:
Hoohaz · 14/05/2025 13:03

You are upset that your brother has some support? He is grieving just as much as you are. It shouldn't matter how long he has known her, but perhaps they have known each other longer than you realise?

Original poster
Meeemeee88 · 14/05/2025 13:05

Hoohaz · 14/05/2025 13:03

You are upset that your brother has some support? He is grieving just as much as you are. It shouldn't matter how long he has known her, but perhaps they have known each other longer than you realise?

they have know each other 3 weeks

OP posts:
2dogsandabudgie · 14/05/2025 13:06

Had his girlfriend ever met your father before he passed away? It must have been very awkward for her as well. Grief affects people differently and maybe your brother isn't thinking straight.

Sofiewoo · 14/05/2025 13:06

I think you’re lashing out really unnecessarily.

Whats wrong with him bringing his girlfriend to his father’s funeral?

Original poster
Meeemeee88 · 14/05/2025 13:07

Meeemeee88 · 14/05/2025 13:05

they have know each other 3 weeks

Show quote history

I’m not upset he has support . I’m upset over the timing of introducing her to family . Fair enough if it was a week or so later but that was a very vulnerable time for all family to meet a new person and not feeling like they can be upset in front of a stranger ? Plus a stranger seeing my father dad . There was no need for her to go into the room . Fair enough come . Wait in the waiting room but I find it completely inappropriate I’m sorry

OP posts:
TooManyCupsAndMugs · 14/05/2025 13:07

I agree with @Hoohaz - your brother needs support with his grief and his new partner is there to help him. It's not really anything to do with how you feel. Try to see it from that point of view maybe? If she is willing to get stuck in to intense family situations this early, maybe she's a keeper.

Original poster
Meeemeee88 · 14/05/2025 13:10

2dogsandabudgie · 14/05/2025 13:06

Had his girlfriend ever met your father before he passed away? It must have been very awkward for her as well. Grief affects people differently and maybe your brother isn't thinking straight.

No she had never met him or anyone before

OP posts:
Whoarethoseguys · 14/05/2025 13:11

I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things we have to experience.
Everyone reacts to grief differently and I assume tej girlfriend is there to support your brother and help him through his grief.
What about it upsets you? Do you think her being there makes it mate difficult for you as a family to grieve together? I can understand that but I think your brother needs to do whatever makes him feel better

TasWair · 14/05/2025 13:11

I'm sorry about your loss OP. I hope you're bearing up.
Gently, I think that when someone close to you dies, there is a lot of anger within you, because it's unfair, really, isn't it? Everything is heightened and emotional. And it's so easy, when someone behaves in a quirky way or whose grief looks different to what you expect, to focus your anger on them. Your brother is doing what he needs to do to cope at the moment, that is all. And you're allowed to be unsociable and not make small talk with her at this moment too- that is your prerogative.
Hugs to you. It's really awful.

its2025 · 14/05/2025 13:11

Sorry for your loss

The girlfriend is not there for you, your mother or even your father. She is there to support your brother.

As long as she's being respectful to everyone and not causing any kind of nuisance I don't see an issue.

Ilovecakey · 14/05/2025 13:11

Meeemeee88 · 14/05/2025 13:07

I’m not upset he has support . I’m upset over the timing of introducing her to family . Fair enough if it was a week or so later but that was a very vulnerable time for all family to meet a new person and not feeling like they can be upset in front of a stranger ? Plus a stranger seeing my father dad . There was no need for her to go into the room . Fair enough come . Wait in the waiting room but I find it completely inappropriate I’m sorry

Show quote history

Yes I agree with you. I think she must be weird to want to go see the body of someone she didn't even know!

middleagedandinarage · 14/05/2025 13:13

It is very strange! To be honest I wouldn't find it that odd her going to the funeral to show your brother some support, I mean turn up and sit at the back type thing not to be part of the "family" I do find it very odd she would come to your mums house and view your dads body when she'd never met any of you before. How awkward for everyone.

MissMoneyFairy · 14/05/2025 13:13

Grief affects everyone differently, don't pass judgement and just let everyone deal with your loss in their own way.

Original poster
Meeemeee88 · 14/05/2025 13:13

I’m happy he has support . It’s the fact she never met my father that she went in to see him . I’m sorry but it’s just odd . She saw him with my brother before any of us did . I don’t get how that’s appropriate

OP posts:
Senzaunadonna · 14/05/2025 13:15

Surprised at these responses. I’m with you, OP. I think this is a time for family and very close friends. You’re all dealing with a lot of very difficult emotions. Having a stranger present in these moments must feel like an intrusion.

As for the brother needing support. Unless there is a massive back story I expect he could find support from his family at these moments and his new girlfriend when he goes home or whatever.

BeMintFatball · 14/05/2025 13:15

I agree with the OP it’s weird and very uncomfortable for the rest of the family.

Time will tell but she had better be ‘the one’ and not some random that will be gone from his life .

3 weeks ffs 🤦🏼‍♀️ far too early

Unconvinced8768 · 14/05/2025 13:16

I think it’s weird as fuck but people do crazy things in the midst of bereavement (I certainly did).
I’d put it to one side for now, everyone is in a delicate state and now is not the time for confrontation but you’re not wrong. Hopefully she’s thinking how the hell have I ended up here, too!!

PicaK · 14/05/2025 13:17

When my ex-fil died I'd known him 15 years. We were still happily married but hell would have frozen over before they let me see the body.
He's not thinking but he's grieving. You're more prone to offence cos you're grieving.
Look to the person most greatly affected - your mum.
But this girl could be in your lives for decades to come.

Moveoverdarlin · 14/05/2025 13:17

I’m surprised at the responses so far. I’m with you totally OP - it’s highly unusual and frankly odd behaviour.

Imagine dating a guy for three weeks and him saying ‘Do you want to meet my Mum and sister? My Dad died yesterday so don’t worry if they’re a bit quiet and tearful!’

Any woman with any intelligence would say ‘look I’m here for you but it’s family time and I am a total stranger to them, I don’t want to be in your Mothers home at such a difficult time. We’ve not known each other a month yet. I’m not a long term partner, so I’d much rather meet them when the dust has settled.

McSpoot · 14/05/2025 13:17

We were introduced to my brother's then girlfriend (now wife) at the hospital when my mother was in the ICU. She also supported him through the funeral and the days after her death (and, of course, beyond). We were grateful he had her support.

Digdongdoo · 14/05/2025 13:19

People do odd things in grief. If she's being respectful and supportive, does it really matter?

LifeExperience · 14/05/2025 13:20

My parents met my now husband of almost 40 years for the first time at my brother's funeral. Because they loved me with generous open hearts, my parents were glad I had someone for emotional support to deal with my grief.

AgnesX · 14/05/2025 13:20

Think it depends on your culture really. I personally wouldn't have a problem with it but then the Celtic nations see funerals etc more as a celebration of life.

SocktopusEatsSocks · 14/05/2025 13:20

I think this probably means he’s absolutely smitten with her and she probably is with him. So much so that he felt he wanted her to see your father, to be there while he said goodbye. And she agreed despite probably realizing it would be awkward for you and for her.
I think you should not give too much thought to this. I also don’t think you should worry about interacting much with her or making a good impression on her - you’ve got other things on your mind right now. Don’t count it as your first time meeting this girlfriend - ask your brother to introduce her properly at another time in a month or two when the grief is less raw and everyone has enough headspace to think of other things as well grieving your father.

Hankunamatata · 14/05/2025 13:20

You wouldn't cope in ireland. Your next door neighbours, cousins, father in law will tip up to pay respects at wake and then funeral.
Surely the important thing is your brother wants her there.