To think my brother bringing a new girlfriend to see my dead father is inappropriate??

[Meeemeee88]

Basically my father passed away . The day AFTER this happened with everyone at my mums house obviously mourning , upset etc … my brother turns up with a new girlfriend ( first time anyone had met her !!) it was very awkward as we knew nothing about her etc . No one said anything as didn’t want to cause more upset . But he then brings her to view my father’s body a few days later !!! I’m sorry but isn’t this really inappropriate and just insensitive?? My mum isn’t happy about it but again no one wants to cause drama . I’m worried he will bring her to the funeral now but am I over reacting … maybe she has been supportive etc but timing is so off here isn’t it ? To introduce her now when they have only been other a short space of time .

Agree, as an Irish person I'm always really struck by how differently death and funerals are treated in England.

I was the girl in a similar situation when I was young and naive. But the bottom line is my boyfriend wanted me there so I was there for him. It didn't end up being a long term thing but I don't regret doing what he asked. It was awkward as fuck for me too but what else was I to do? Refuse the support he wanted from me during a difficult time?

I feel like posters are being a bit unfair here. Yes, grief is a personal process and it's good that your brother has a supportive person during this time. But I also think it's not unreasonable to step outside of himself for a moment or two and question how sensitive it is to bring a stranger into the immediate family's private grieving space.

My father passed away a couple of years ago. Obviously the whole family was heartbroken, but really myself and my sister had a duty to think firstly of our mum, for whom it hits hardest. Grief is personal, but it's not an excuse to not apply sensitivities to it.

Good grief no, what he did was massively inappropriate!! He’s been with her for 3 weeks!

I’m with you OP. Inappropriate behaviour and especially as it’s made your mum even more unhappy.
I can’t imagine dating someone for 3 weeks and then thinking it was ok to go and view his father’s body when I’d never met him previously.
sorry for your loss.

The OP isn't in Ireland so I'm not entirely sure what all the people coming in giving it "wElL YoU wOuLdN't CoPe In iReLaNd" are actually hoping to achieve. Is it really that difficult for you all to understand that a world outside your own exists?

I could just as well say "well the Toraja exhume their dead loved ones, dress them up, give them ciggies and have a party, so it's absolutely ridiculous for you to find it distasteful for me to dig up uncle Glen and buy him some new spats and take him to Wetherspoons". Different cultures exist and there's nothing wrong with having your own cultural norms but they just don't apply to every one and every situation.

I think above all it's the bringing a new girlfriend to meet a recently bereaved and mourning widow that's insensitive and inappropriate, that poor woman. Imagine trying to pretend to give a shit about the girl your son's been shagging for a fortnight when you're grieving the loss of your life partner.

Hmm. I can understand how odd this is, particularly the viewing. However I did similar. 30 years ago my mum died and my new bf of about 4 months (no one in the family had met him as he were working at the other end of the country) drove 300 odd miles to come to the funeral. He was a great support (I was early 20s) and I’ve been married to him for a long time.

I wouldn't do that, but if it helps him I would respect that. If she comes with him to that she may well be someone with long term potential.

Yanbu. He's only known her 3 weeks. She could be gone in another 3 weeks but she was there for what should have been a very personal family gathering.

It's awful losing a parent. But the spouse's loss is even greater.

Let your brother get emotional support from his new GF the rest of the time. But your mother shouldn't have had to deal with a new face in the house at probably the worst time in her life. It would have been kinder for just people close to her to be there.

Fine for her to attend the funeral, but she really shouldn't be sitting up front with the family or following the hearse with them.

No one batted an eyelid when my brother brought his gf to the house for the first time the day after my Scottish dad passed away. She didn’t see the body though but if even if she did I’m not sure anyone would have minded, after all it’s not uncommon for some cultures to have the open coffin in the house (Is that an Irish custom?)

It seems that your brother really wanted the support so I would probably try to see it from that perspective.

But the gf might be from somewhere in the UK where this is the norm. The UK is a multicultural society and one family’s normal is not another family’s normal and even within families there isn’t a normal as you can see from the OP where her brother felt it was natural to bring this gf along.

He doesn't have an equal say with his mum though. He didn't ask her if the girlfriend could come and his mum was distressed.

Everyone's saying to cut him some slack as he's grieving and needs support. But so are you, OP.

I wouldn't have felt comfortable with my new partner there, or being there with a new partner, or having a siblings new partner turn up! But that's me. He feels how he does which is ok. You and your family feel how you do and that's ok. I do think he shouldn't have done it, or at least have asked first (although I'd still find it inappropriate!)

Grief does funny things to us all. I remember being pissed off at my grandpa's funeral because my uncles girlfriend decided to plonk a single flower on top of his coffin beside the beautiful arrangement we had chosen and she made a performance of it. Was it irrational of me to be annoyed? I'd say yes. Could I help how I felt? No. Slightly different as she takes any and every opportunity to put herself in the centre of everything.

That's not similar at all. That's pretty normal.

You think the brother is from a different culture to the rest of his family? He's the one who has behaved inappropriately here. Even if the girlfriend is of a culture where this sort of thing is acceptable, he isn't. He should've had the self awareness to look outside his own happy bubble for three seconds and realise that the viewing of the body of his recently deceased father was perhaps not the most appropriate moment to debut a new shag.

You deal with your loss in your way, and let your brother deal with it in his way. He needs all the support he can get. It doesn't matter who sees your father's body. He isn't there anymore.

I'm in a protestant country area and it's very much the same. A recent death in our family and I was caring for my mum with Alzheimers too so we put house private. They all still came as they all thought but private doesn't mean US.

I'm sorry for your loss OP it's a different situation especially if the girlfriend is there for the long term.

As OP’s mother was upset it has caused an issue but that’s not the case for everyone. My mum was fine about meeting my brother’s gf for the first time the day after my dad passed. Maybe the brother should have checked first in this particular instance as every family will be different.

I’m with you OP. I don’t blame your brother as he may not be thinking straight and just wants someone at his side which is understandable. However I do think she is being intrusive and insensitive and I think in her shoes I would be offering him lots of support but firmly bow out of introductions and certainly the private and emotionally intense visit to the chapel of rest, that really is a lack of reading the room and almost smacks of satisfying her curiosity. A funeral is a more public occasion and her presence would concern me less there.

Reducing a woman to just a new shag? She wouldn’t have gone if her bf hadn't asked her to.

I don't suppose your brother's girlfriend is a ghoul, so I'm guessing your brother must want her to be there with him. I can also see how you and the rest of the family would be struggling with a complete stranger being so up close and intimate with their dead father / husband / relative. It is a really difficult situation no doubt compounded by the feelings of grief you will all have.

I don't think there is any right or wrong way to go here, other than to all try and be kind to each other and supportive. Sending you sympathy and condolences @Meeemeee88 .

It’s odd and very inappropriate… not to mention very intrusive.

Grief does strange things to people… I’d have to put that in this camp.

edited to add… she’s not grieving though. So makes it even odder that she agreed to this. She can support without viewing the dead body of someone she has never met. That is just weird.

So sorry for your loss.

I'm with you OP. She's a stranger to you , and only 3 weeks into a relationship with him. That really was not the time to be introducing her to everyone, and letting her view your father's body was beyond the pale. If i were your Mum I'd have put a rocket up him.
If she's being a good support for him, fantastic. But he really should not have bought her into that situation when you are all distressed and grieving, and don't know her from Adam.

No, but his wife and family are.
Would i want someone i'd never met before viewing my DH or other close family members body in those circs? Absolutely not.
And before anyone says what about medics or funeral home staff - that's completely different as they see bodies for a reason, in their professional capacity.