Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my brother bringing a new girlfriend to see my dead father is inappropriate??

275 replies

Meeemeee88 · 14/05/2025 12:58

Basically my father passed away . The day AFTER this happened with everyone at my mums house obviously mourning , upset etc … my brother turns up with a new girlfriend ( first time anyone had met her !!) it was very awkward as we knew nothing about her etc . No one said anything as didn’t want to cause more upset . But he then brings her to view my father’s body a few days later !!! I’m sorry but isn’t this really inappropriate and just insensitive?? My mum isn’t happy about it but again no one wants to cause drama . I’m worried he will bring her to the funeral now but am I over reacting … maybe she has been supportive etc but timing is so off here isn’t it ? To introduce her now when they have only been other a short space of time .

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 14/05/2025 13:59

Funeral, fine. Viewing the body? Not appropriate.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 14/05/2025 13:59

Im sorry for the loss of your dad ❤️
I'm Irish and our wakes are the time between death and funeral where absolutely everyone is welcomed to pay their final respects to the deceased. It's the most normal thing that you go to a wake of even a friends auntie or uncle or someone else you didn't know and you're in the line to see them (its actually rude not to) and you spend the customary time hearing stories (and sharing them if you knew the person) with the family. Friends, family, colleagues, neighbours, everyone is welcome. This is actually fairly normal in lots of cultures. I have Nigerian friends and they say this is fairly similar in their culture.
I know this maybe isn't the done thing where you are, but he could well be getting a lot of support from her right now when he needs it. And if they stay together, her support will have a massive impact on him.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 14/05/2025 13:59

Meeemeee88 · 14/05/2025 13:13

I’m happy he has support . It’s the fact she never met my father that she went in to see him . I’m sorry but it’s just odd . She saw him with my brother before any of us did . I don’t get how that’s appropriate

I'm really sorry for your loss, but honestly... you are (all) making this into a mountain it isn't. There are no "rules" around this, no appropriate/ inappropriate. She is supporting your brother and is being respectful. And I don't think your dad cares about the fact that she saw him dead. She sounds level-headed and kind - possibly a "keeper", because she is standing with him when many would simply back out.

As @Hankunamatata has said, not all cultures (and not all people from any specific culture) react in the same way anyway. In my family and where I grew up just about everyone paid their respects - even the people you didn't get on with the rest of the time. And the first funeral I ever went to as a child was in Ireland with my grandparents - and we weren't even reated to him (although my grandparents came from the same village). It isn't that odd.

saraclara · 14/05/2025 14:00

BarleyMcGrew · 14/05/2025 13:42

OP, you are very upset and stressed.

Don’t focus on this. Just stop and let it go - you are only hurting yourself.

What about OP's mother? You know, the person who's actually lost her spouse of many years?

Would all of you lecturing OP, stand in front of that woman and tell her that she's acting irrationally?

I've been that woman, and 24 hours after DH died would have been a horrific time for a new boyfriend have turned up to be introduced to me.

WellINeverrr · 14/05/2025 14:00

I'm with you OP. Perhaps your brother asked her and she felt like she couldn't say no as he needed support but it's weird of your btoehr to have asked her/brought her.

SheRasBra · 14/05/2025 14:04

I'm with those saying it's weird. Weird for him to invite her, weird for her to want to go and especially weird to view your late father's body. All those people saying she's supporting him - after only 3 weeks I bet she can barely remember how he takes his tea!

Your brother has not considered the impact on his mum and the rest of the family and unless you're going to come back and say he's 17, then grieving or not he should be able to think of his Mum who has just lost her life partner.

Snugglemonkey · 14/05/2025 14:04

I don't see anything wrong with this. But then, I am Irish and have been to see the body of lots of total strangers who were related to friends/colleagues.

Oakcupboard · 14/05/2025 14:05

OP I'm so sorry for your loss 💔

Personally I see no harm in it, but I'm in Ireland and we seem to do things differently here. It would be normal for the deceased to waked for 2 or 3 nights with many, many people calling at the house to pay their respects and pray over the body. Often the people are coming to support relatives rather than knowing the deceased themselves. I find it strangely comforting.

Butchyrestingface · 14/05/2025 14:07

I’m worried he will bring her to the funeral now but am I over reacting …

I think bringing her to the funeral is less problematic than him introducing to her to your father for the first time when your father is ... dead.

The funeral I don't think would bother me. The post-mortem introductions feel intrusive and inappropriate, imo, so I'm with you on that.

Also, this woman must have balls of STEEL. She's only been dating your brother for 3 weeks and already flung in at the deep end.

Kerrylass · 14/05/2025 14:10

I know its a cultural thing, but in Ireland this would be OK. Bodies are usually on display in the family home for a few days before burial and all friends and family call and offer support.

I know this is not your normal but maybe he needs the support and shes it for him. In the coming days and weeks, speak to her and try to get to know her, Shes obviously very improtant to your brother.

beAsensible1 · 14/05/2025 14:10

It’s inappropriate sorry.He could’ve at least given prior warning

MyLittleNest · 14/05/2025 14:10

If they've only known each other for three weeks, I think it's awkward for everyone except your brother. Imagine being this girl and your new BF wants you to come to his father's funeral and meet his family at the height of their grief? And no, it's not fair to you or your mother, either.

I wouldn't go out of my way to accommodate her--if she sticks around you can make an effort at a more appropriate date. Now is the time to focus on your father and your mother and you own feelings.

Your brother must need support but I don't think he made the right choice. This girl could be gone tomorrow and likely will be and this is his chance to properly say goodbye to his father. A very immature and short-sighted choice on his part.

Butchyrestingface · 14/05/2025 14:11

I'm Irish and our wakes are the time between death and funeral where absolutely everyone is welcomed to pay their final respects to the deceased.

That's different. If the 'everyone' OP refers to being at her house refers to friends, neighbours, and complete strangers all filing through to pay their respects, then I would think, what's one more for the road?

But I interpreted 'everyone' to mean family members only.

OP seems more annoyed at the girlfriend here, but really, it's her brother who orchestrated her presence.

indianques · 14/05/2025 14:12

I agree with you Op, that timing is terrible! When my DH's Mum passed, he, his sister and Dad were all in the room with her body. When I arrived, I didn't go in, it felt far too intrusive. I sat in the waiting room until they actually beckoned me in. At that time, me and DH were married and had been together for 5 years, and obviously I had met him Mum numerous times, but it still felt like it wasn't my place.

Even if your brother is grieving and not thinking straight, it says volumes about this woman, that she thinks it's okay to intrude in this way. She should be saying to him, that this isn't the time!

Ddakji · 14/05/2025 14:13

My now-DH came to the evening meal after my dad’s funeral (which was 4 days after he dropped down dead unexpectedly). We’d been dating 3 weeks. He was warmly welcomed, and it turned out there were some interesting connections between friends and family of us both, which was nice to discover.

But I wouldn’t have invited him to the funeral or a viewing (if we’d had one), that wouldn’t have felt right, and I don’t think he would have come.

The fact that he came to this meal to support me and meet my family so early on in our relationship was one of several things that made me realise I had a good man here, and 24 years on that hasn’t changed.

CatCaretaker · 14/05/2025 14:13

Hankunamatata · 14/05/2025 13:20

You wouldn't cope in ireland. Your next door neighbours, cousins, father in law will tip up to pay respects at wake and then funeral.
Surely the important thing is your brother wants her there.

I came here to say this. Entirely normal, every Tom, Dick and Harry is welcomed in.

Fargo79 · 14/05/2025 14:14

BobbyBiscuits · 14/05/2025 13:50

I'm sorry but why are you so anti this girlfriend? He obviously knows her well and wants her support and she's kind enough to offer it.
I'm sorry for your loss. Everyone needs support including your brother. Unless the girlfriend has done something horrible to you why not warmly try and make friends. Or if not just be civil and accepting.

Read the OP again. She's spelled out her objections. And he doesn't "clearly know her well". He's known her 3 weeks.

Dinoswearunderpants · 14/05/2025 14:15

Firstly, it's also his father so he is too grieving.

It's likely not the best timing to introduce to th family but he clearly needs some support too so let him be.

It sounds like there's more deep rooted issues here that perhaps need to be addressed.

PralinesandCream · 14/05/2025 14:15

Grief is highly personal and people do strange things. So although I agree that bringing a new and very date to your grieving immediate family is just weird and insensitive, your brother might be acting from a place of grief. I view the behaviour of his date however much less forgiving, who in the hell steps into an unknown family during such a personal time and who views a person they have never met after they have passed away. I would have great concerns about anyone who things this is remotely normal.

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 14/05/2025 14:16

The timing is not their fault.

It sounds pretty normal to support your partner, even in a new relationship if they both at least hope/ think/ try to make it a serious one. Every serious relationship has to start somewhere and being there for the other one at such a distressing time is exactly what people do.

I am sorry for the loss felt by every family member, but as long as the new partner behaves appropriately of course, it should be a complete non-issue.

Anyotherdude · 14/05/2025 14:17

Meeemeee88 · 14/05/2025 13:05

they have know each other 3 weeks

Show quote history

I got engaged to my DH after knowing him for 3 weeks.
We are still happily together and have been married for over 40 years, so maybe, just maybe, he has found his soulmate and her support for him in his grief might have made him realise that!

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 14/05/2025 14:18

I think you need to rephrase it and it's wrong to put as he is "introducing his new girl friend". He's coming with his girl friend to support him, he's not making a big declaration in the middle of a funeral.

Sassybooklover · 14/05/2025 14:18

May be your brother asked his girlfriend if she would come to your Mum's house and also view your Dad's body? It doesn't necessarily mean she wanted to do either of those things, but she felt your brother needed her support so agreed. Again, he may ask her to attend the funeral with him, no one wants to attend a funeral but she may feel she needs to support him, and attend. I see a woman who is being supportive, even though she doesn't know the family, and is trying to be kind and caring. If you don't like it, then talk to your brother, but be prepared to be shot down in flames. There's no right or wrong way to grieve, and we all do it differently.

BunnyLake · 14/05/2025 14:19

I met my brother’s gf for the first time when we all got together the day after my dad died. It wasn’t an issue.

honeyrider · 14/05/2025 14:19

Sorry for your loss OP. I think you're letting your grief affect your thinking.

Your brother has an equal say in who should attend his and your Dad's house removals/funeral as you have even if it's a girlfriend who you haven't met. Your opinion doesn't trump his.