To think my brother bringing a new girlfriend to see my dead father is inappropriate??

[Meeemeee88]

Basically my father passed away . The day AFTER this happened with everyone at my mums house obviously mourning , upset etc … my brother turns up with a new girlfriend ( first time anyone had met her !!) it was very awkward as we knew nothing about her etc . No one said anything as didn’t want to cause more upset . But he then brings her to view my father’s body a few days later !!! I’m sorry but isn’t this really inappropriate and just insensitive?? My mum isn’t happy about it but again no one wants to cause drama . I’m worried he will bring her to the funeral now but am I over reacting … maybe she has been supportive etc but timing is so off here isn’t it ? To introduce her now when they have only been other a short space of time .

A girlfriend of 3 weeks duration; so possibly someone he picked up in a club three weeks ago. Is three weeks that much different to one day for you?

Right, maybe he asked her to come and she didn't want to tell him know.

There's no correct way to grieve, as long as she didn't cause a scene, I'd let it go.

Is there a correct way not to upset your mother the day after her life partner dies and she just wants her children and close family around her?

I don't think anyone is in the wrong here, to be honest. Your brother wanted emotional support at a difficult time. My mother died several years ago and I can't deny that I would feel protective had I been put in a similar situation. It feels very intimate especially for someone that wasn't a part of their life. All I can say is try to go easy on eachother. Grief can tear families apart.

He lost a parent. He wanted the support of his girlfriend for whatever reason. There is no right or wrong. It's best to let it go.

You seem to want to fight with everyone on here who doesn't absolutely agree with you, not sure why 🤨

As for this bullshit scenario that you made up in your own head...... words fail me!!

While I agree the best thing for the OP is to let it go, I think it's also important she knows that her brother, in this case, is very much in the wrong. She doesn't have to do anything about it. But knowing that might make it easier for her not to.

Again, is that so very different from someone he met three weeks ago?

And I don't know why you think disagreeing with someone is a "fight". If you don't want to back up your opinions, just don't. But everyone just stating their opinion and not being challenged to explain why they think that, or defend it, gets nobody anywhere.

Is what so very different from someone he met three weeks ago? I don't get what you're saying???
Your ridiculous assertion that the woman, instead of offering her sympathies, would simply say Where's the sandwiches?

I think it's really weird she went to view a dead body.

100%. Your feelings are completely valid @Meeemeee88 The way it’s done in Ireland is not necessarily the ‘right’ way. It’s just one way of doing it. Op doesn’t need to be told she wouldn’t cope in Ireland, that is just plain disrespectful when she’s just lost her dad. The most important thing is the feelings of, primarily, your mum, @Meeemeee88 who is most affected by the loss of your dad. That said, it is probably best to let it go as your brother is doing things his way and I’m sure you’re grieving your way. I’m so sorry for your loss, try to let these annoyances wash over you.

All I can think is how massively unsexy it is to go and view a dead body on your 4/5/6th date - no matter how exclusive or smitten you are

I feel like those who are ok with it have not experienced raw grief and bereavement. When I think about it objectively sure why not, there are no official rules. When I think about it based on my own experience of the process, it would have been hell on the actually grieving family. I know he is grieving too and it is not (as another poster projected, which I found a somewhat narcissistic perspective, this conviction that anytime anyone disagrees with you they are trivialising your Very Important Needs) that “his grief is less important than everyone else’s” but just basic human consideration for one’s own family.

It’s not like the brother and 3 week gf, and everyone else, separately form private bubbles of grief/mourning, like people do at funerals. In my experience at least, with the body, everyone is painfully intertwined (not to mention looking a huge mess together), and you really intimately share the intensity of grief and sorrow. I am not a particularly private person but thinking back, it would have been painful almost to have another stranger there who did not understand the grief and was merely a hormonal 3 week new shoulder for someone else to cry and be loved up on. A spectator almost.

By the way, I was in exactly the same situation. As much as I would genuinely have loved to be cuddling and crying in my new boyfriend’s arms, I did not invite him because having a stranger around would have been intrusive for my own family’s grieving (especially my parent)

Because it’s not a date? Would you go to the funeral with some one you had been seeing a few weeks ago.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.

I understand how you feel. He sounds like an insensitive and entitled idiot. But how was he before? Did he always put his needs before others? Has he known this woman a long time prior to getting together? Was your father ill for a long time before he passed away? If it’s a case of hooking up with her randomly on a dating app and he’s bringing her in to such a close and personal space for your grieving family, he’s a bit of a selfish prick. She’s fairly weird for showing up, but then I guess she’s in a pretty awkward situation if he’s asked for her support - she can’t refuse without looking like a cold-hearted cow. I attended the house of a bf’s family member when they had passed away and he expected me to view their body. It was the first time I had done so and I wasn’t comfortable but I had met this person quite a few times and liked them and they were a massive part of my bf’s life so I did and I didn’t feel I was intruding at all really, in fact the opposite - it felt expected. Do you sense she feels like she’s intruding or is she acting like she’s a grieving family member?

I would be incredibly upset if she went in ahead of other family members to say goodbye. You must feel awful.

I think it’s likely she will attend the funeral with your brother, and if she sat with him at the front I would just feel he has no self awareness and is putting his emotional needs above everyone else’s including your mum’s. He may be going through a MH crisis brought on by grief, in which case his behaviour makes sense, or he could just be fairly selfish and lacking in empathy, it’s hard to know without knowing the background. He’s not behaving well to you and your family other to be honest. But grief does strange things to people.

Hope you and your family are doing ok 💐

I think you need to do some reading on rhetoric.

"Has he known this woman a long time prior to getting together? "

She says "they have known each other 3 weeks", so no.

I'm really surprised at these responses OP. I feel like people aren't reading your post and updates properly. I find it utterly bizarre that your brother has brought someone he barely knows (3 weeks!?) to the family home at this time and for her to view the body I think is actually disrespectful on her part. She didn't even know him! She definitely could have waited outside. I think they are both acting weirdly.

I see what others are saying about your brother needing support but I think to lean on someone you have no pre existing relationship with is unusual. Surely he has friends/other family etc.

It is wrong to bring a someone new to the house at that time without asking his mother first.

It's not difficult.

I find it strange that people think she shouldn't see a man she never met, are funerals and cermonies around death not for the living? People come to support the survivors as much as to pay respects to the dead. Yes it's not a good time to be introduced in theory but it's hardly her fault your Dad went and died before she was introduced. If she is willing to go and he wants her there is implies they are serious.

Fwiw my BIL was very new in my sisters life, only a few weeks longer when my Mum died. He went to see her and met all of us as she was on her deathbed. He got landed into the complications of a family grieving and extended family dynamics etc. They are married with kids now and she is grateful he was there at her most difficult time.

Sorry for your loss OP

It's not normal, weird and selfish on the brothers part IMO

I agree

Hmmm if I was attending a funeral with a bunch of strangers I would be focusing on the buffet for sure.

I think the funeral fair enough but coming to the house and to see the body seems a step too far.