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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my brother bringing a new girlfriend to see my dead father is inappropriate??

275 replies

Meeemeee88 · 14/05/2025 12:58

Basically my father passed away . The day AFTER this happened with everyone at my mums house obviously mourning , upset etc … my brother turns up with a new girlfriend ( first time anyone had met her !!) it was very awkward as we knew nothing about her etc . No one said anything as didn’t want to cause more upset . But he then brings her to view my father’s body a few days later !!! I’m sorry but isn’t this really inappropriate and just insensitive?? My mum isn’t happy about it but again no one wants to cause drama . I’m worried he will bring her to the funeral now but am I over reacting … maybe she has been supportive etc but timing is so off here isn’t it ? To introduce her now when they have only been other a short space of time .

OP posts:
YouOKHun · 14/05/2025 15:49

There is a big difference in background support and supporting at a funeral with discretion versus attending an emotionally very intense funeral home visit that was clearly for close family.

My newly divorced DB bought his OW who I’d never met around to my mum’s house the morning after my dad had died in the house in very traumatic circumstances. He wanted her support which I understand but we were in a complete state and only wanted people there who understood WHO we were grieving for. It felt like being an animal in a zoo. Trying to hold it together and make small talk was so hard. I next met her at the funeral which was a bit easier and I was as friendly as I could be but obviously distracted. I haven’t met her again though she did complain to my brother than I didn’t make her feel welcome on that first occasion Confused

GroovyChick87 · 14/05/2025 15:50

I don't think having her there at the funeral would be a problem to most. Anyone can go to funerals. Viewing the body is a bit insensitive, particularly if she'd not even met him when alive. And the family couldn't have wanted a stranger there seeing them at their most sad, intimate moment with their father's dead body. He ideally should have asked how you all felt about it, but he's grieving and there are not really any rules on how to grieve. Maybe having her there really helped and he wasn't thinking straight.

Horticula · 14/05/2025 15:50

To all those saying it's fine and it's fine for her to go to the funeral to support the OP's brother, where do you think she should sit at the funeral? Presumably you can't possibly think that she should go in the funeral car with him, walk in with him or sit next to him in the front seats at whatever ceremony they have with all the other close family? That would be outrageously rude and inappropriate. If the brother does bring her( which I think is totally wrong) she should sit at the back. If anyone does think it would be ok how would you justify it to the OP and her mother and other family who were shocked when this 3 week girlfriend turned up at the house?

GroovyChick87 · 14/05/2025 15:54

Horticula · 14/05/2025 15:50

To all those saying it's fine and it's fine for her to go to the funeral to support the OP's brother, where do you think she should sit at the funeral? Presumably you can't possibly think that she should go in the funeral car with him, walk in with him or sit next to him in the front seats at whatever ceremony they have with all the other close family? That would be outrageously rude and inappropriate. If the brother does bring her( which I think is totally wrong) she should sit at the back. If anyone does think it would be ok how would you justify it to the OP and her mother and other family who were shocked when this 3 week girlfriend turned up at the house?

It would be up to the discretion of the family. If they don't want her riding in the car, she could make her own way there, sit a few rows away from the front and then join her partner for the wake after. Anyone can go to funerals, you don't invite people.

ilovepuppies2019 · 14/05/2025 15:54

Totally inappropriate. That day is about your shared family experience and the memories that bring you comfort together. It’s ridiculous to expect you or your mother to have your grief exposed to a stranger. I can’t fathom that she also couldn’t have realised this and gently told him that she wouldn’t be coming. I would be very, very upset and this thoughtless behaviour. Grief is deeply intimate and not a spectacle for strangers.

saraclara · 14/05/2025 15:56

Americano75 · 14/05/2025 15:43

I mean, your poor mum. Literally just lost her husband and the last thing she'll want to do is meet/entertain her son's new girlfriend of 3 WEEKS.

It's odd that on a forum for mothers, only two or three posters have shown any empathy for OP's mother who was not asked if this would be okay, who was not okay, and was very distressed.

FFS, this girlfriend got to see the the body of someone she'd never met, before his own wife did!

NotWorthTheHeadache · 14/05/2025 15:56

I’m with you, this is really weird and inappropriate and I’m struggling to understand PPs viewpoint on this. The girlfriend could have supported him privately in their own time, maybe come to the funeral (still think 3 weeks is way too early to go to the funeral though)

And what was the girlfriend of 3 weeks thinking coming to your father’s wake? Honestly, if a guy I was seeing asked me to meet his family for the first time over the corpse of their dead father I’d run a mile.

Highly inappropriate of both of them and I’m not sure I’d be rushing to build a relationship with this strange woman.

DappledThings · 14/05/2025 15:57

Horticula · 14/05/2025 15:50

To all those saying it's fine and it's fine for her to go to the funeral to support the OP's brother, where do you think she should sit at the funeral? Presumably you can't possibly think that she should go in the funeral car with him, walk in with him or sit next to him in the front seats at whatever ceremony they have with all the other close family? That would be outrageously rude and inappropriate. If the brother does bring her( which I think is totally wrong) she should sit at the back. If anyone does think it would be ok how would you justify it to the OP and her mother and other family who were shocked when this 3 week girlfriend turned up at the house?

I haven't given it that much thought but while on balance it would be better if she arrived separately and sat not with the family (anywhere other than the first row really absolutely no need to be at the back) if the brother wanted her in the funeral car (if there is one) then I don't think it's a big deal if she is.

saraclara · 14/05/2025 15:57

Americano75 · 14/05/2025 15:43

I mean, your poor mum. Literally just lost her husband and the last thing she'll want to do is meet/entertain her son's new girlfriend of 3 WEEKS.

It's odd that on a forum for mothers, only two or three posters have shown any empathy for OP's mother who was not asked if this would be okay, who was not okay, and was very distressed.

FFS, this girlfriend got to see the the body of someone she'd never met, before his own wife did!

gamerchick · 14/05/2025 16:00

I kinda feel sorry for the girlfriend. New relationship and you're being introduced to family and taken to viewings of deceased in the depths of a grieving family. You would definitely feel awkward and an outsider.

Your brother is not thinking straight and his girlfriend might not know what to do. Wait until the dust has settled a bit before judging her. She might be long term. I personally wouldn't intrude on a grieving family though, there are ways of supporting someone outside of that.

So sorry for your loss OP.

Lavender14 · 14/05/2025 16:02

its2025 · 14/05/2025 13:11

Sorry for your loss

The girlfriend is not there for you, your mother or even your father. She is there to support your brother.

As long as she's being respectful to everyone and not causing any kind of nuisance I don't see an issue.

I agree, also it depends on culture, some communities like where I'm from this would be very common practice. Plus it really depends on what he's asked of her. If he's asked her to be there for support then I think it's fair for her to be there. I think you need to drop any concept of expectations around "meeting the family" - it's been pushed forward/essentially skipped in order for her to support him.

I think it's very strange you wouldn't expect his girlfriend to be at his father's funeral. I would always go to wake or funerals of people I don't know if I was even so much as a collegue of their kids etc.

Obviously you're grieving and he last thing that's needed here is a pile on, you're all struggling. I'm so sorry for your loss op.

Collaborate · 14/05/2025 16:03

I think you come across as controlling. It's not for you to police how he deals with his grief. I hope you said nothing to him about it.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 14/05/2025 16:11

OP, you are completely valid in your feelings but please don't hold it against the new girlfriend. If a boyfriend of 3 weeks had just lost his father and said: "I don't know how I am getting through all of this. Will you please come and be by my side?" I don't know whether I would have considered anyone other than him in this moment. But even if I had objected, if he still wanted me with him, I would have been by his side.

MaggieLk · 14/05/2025 16:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2025 16:15

Whoarethoseguys · 14/05/2025 13:11

I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things we have to experience.
Everyone reacts to grief differently and I assume tej girlfriend is there to support your brother and help him through his grief.
What about it upsets you? Do you think her being there makes it mate difficult for you as a family to grieve together? I can understand that but I think your brother needs to do whatever makes him feel better

Edited

By bringing a total stranger (to everyone else) to the family home?

Thoughtless and insensitive

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2025 16:16

Collaborate · 14/05/2025 16:03

I think you come across as controlling. It's not for you to police how he deals with his grief. I hope you said nothing to him about it.

It's not controlling

She can be his support when he goes home

You shouldn't bring strangers into family grief

Teanbiscuits33 · 14/05/2025 16:16

Meeemeee88 · 14/05/2025 13:07

I’m not upset he has support . I’m upset over the timing of introducing her to family . Fair enough if it was a week or so later but that was a very vulnerable time for all family to meet a new person and not feeling like they can be upset in front of a stranger ? Plus a stranger seeing my father dad . There was no need for her to go into the room . Fair enough come . Wait in the waiting room but I find it completely inappropriate I’m sorry

Show quote history

I’m with you, OP, it’s weird, and if I’d have been the GF I’d have told him I’m not going as it’s inappropriate, so what is she thinking? Perhaps she felt backed into a corner, but three weeks since they met and this is the first time the rest of the family even became aware of her? No way is this okay. I’m a bit shocked at the responses. I’d be livid if I was family.

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2025 16:17

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 14/05/2025 15:03

It's not odd to have your partner with you when you loss a parent.

She's not a partner!

She's a girlfriend of 3 weeks!!

slamdunk66 · 14/05/2025 16:18

imo it’s fine. Your brother must have wanted her there. Here in Ireland we have many many people show up at wakes (open coffins in family homes before funeral). Even when you haven’t met the deceased person but knew one of their loved ones. Totally normal.

Waitingfordoggo · 14/05/2025 16:20

YANBU, I would find this very odd and quite intrusive. I would have much less of an issue with her attending the funeral to be a support to your brother- that actually wouldn’t really bother me, but viewing the body is inappropriate. When my parents had just died, I would have been very upset if a stranger who had never met them had come in the room to view their body. It is an extremely personal thing.

NotWorthTheHeadache · 14/05/2025 16:20

slamdunk66 · 14/05/2025 16:18

imo it’s fine. Your brother must have wanted her there. Here in Ireland we have many many people show up at wakes (open coffins in family homes before funeral). Even when you haven’t met the deceased person but knew one of their loved ones. Totally normal.

Nah, I’m in Ireland too and this shit wouldn’t fly in my family, or with anyone else I know. It’s fucking weird to bring a girlfriend of three weeks to meet your family for the first time over the corpse of your dead father. He was out of line and she should have had the good sense to stay away and support him in their own time. His family were around to support him, she’s practically a stranger to even him.

newyearsresolurion · 14/05/2025 16:21

Weird to be viewing when she's never met him!!However I don't see anything wrong with just being there to support her boyfriend

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 14/05/2025 16:23

I have to agree that people do some very weird things when grieving. Just give the situation some time and space and try to avoid being angry with them both until you feel a little less upset generally.

im sorry for your loss.

Niallig32839 · 14/05/2025 16:24

It is very odd and surely the girlfriend finds it odd too and would rather meet the family in better circumstances at a later time. Not the time to be getting to know her when there’s so much more important things going on and high emotions.

Id say fine to attend the funeral but should go separately from the family and be there to support her boyfriend. Not fine to see the body when she’s never met the man in life.

I don’t know how I’d react if it was me in this situation but when things are so heightened and grief comes into it it might be best to hold your tongue as the last thing anyone needs is a family fall out, least of all your mum.

AthWat · 14/05/2025 16:26

saraclara · 14/05/2025 15:56

It's odd that on a forum for mothers, only two or three posters have shown any empathy for OP's mother who was not asked if this would be okay, who was not okay, and was very distressed.

FFS, this girlfriend got to see the the body of someone she'd never met, before his own wife did!

Show quote history

Everyone who has said this is inappropriate is saying so because they have empathy for the OP's mother (and other family) - they don't have to say so explicitly; that's the whole point.