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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell exH he can’t wfh in my house while daughter is at school

185 replies

ZebraPyjamas · 14/05/2025 08:30

I’ll try to keep this short - some background; exH and I are civil but he is not a good person, he lives with his parents and has never had the children overnight. I had to work to enforce firm boundaries after we split.

Recently our daughter was in hospital so he stayed in my house to look after the other children. I work part time so once she was home he came and wfh in my house the days I worked. Now she’s on phased return to school requiring a drop off in the morning, one visit for medical reasons 2 hours later and collecting 2.5 ish hours later.

He lives about 20 minutes from the school, my house is less than 10 minutes. He has spoken about his flexibility with work, when he signed on to work at 715 he’s been signed off by 3pm, with a lunch break of at least 30
minutes and coffee breaks etc in between. There will be no other children at home. He’s assuming he can use my house as a base during those in between hours so he would be there alone. This came up when I went through the schedule with him last night - he didn’t ask me if he could, but when I said you’ll have plenty of time to go home in between he said something along the lines of “hmmm your place is much closer, I’ll see”

I HATE him being in my space, I actually sage the place after he’s gone. Up to this he had never set foot in this house.

AIBU to say he can’t use my house?

OP posts:
OnTheBoardwalk · 15/05/2025 17:08

@ZebraPyjamas I can only imagine how annoying this is for you. I take it your house is nicer than his? Does he eat/drink what’s in your house? I've a feeling he's not going to stop when the pickups do

i'd suggest getting yourself, as PP said, a ring doorbell and an internal cheap camera so you can monitor in and outside your house

ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 17:10

Cherrysoup · 15/05/2025 16:57

Re rentals. You CAN change the lock, as long as you give the agent/landlord a key. You’re supposed to put the original back in, cost us £20 to swap out 2 barrels. Do you think he might have made a copy?

I’m in Ireland so don’t know if it would be the same here. Either way though I try to keep a low profile and only contact agent when I absolutely have to, I had a hard time securing this rental due to the market here!!!!

I followed up our conversation this afternoon with a text and have now had an apology in person and in text with an assurance it won’t happen again sooooo hoping that’s an end to it!

OP posts:
ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 17:12

CowTown · 15/05/2025 15:33

Did you change the Wi-Fi password?

No, someone else pointed out he could just hotspot off his phone anyway.

OP posts:
ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 17:15

OnTheBoardwalk · 15/05/2025 17:08

@ZebraPyjamas I can only imagine how annoying this is for you. I take it your house is nicer than his? Does he eat/drink what’s in your house? I've a feeling he's not going to stop when the pickups do

i'd suggest getting yourself, as PP said, a ring doorbell and an internal cheap camera so you can monitor in and outside your house

He lives with his parents, cushy enough set up although they don’t really get on. Apart from drinking my coffee (he did buy some but has used more than he bought) he usually brings his own food & drink.

I think he was just testing boundaries maybe, like a fecking toddler. Lines have definitely been blurred over the last month or so but I think I have firmly reinstated my boundaries now and told him they need to be respected, he has agreed, admitted being in the wrong and apologised so I’ll do no more for now!

OP posts:
ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 17:15

Thanks again to everyone who has replied. It has been very helpful xx

OP posts:
TheOccupier · 15/05/2025 17:20

ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 15:24

Raging. Had everything sorted. Gave him what he needed for the morning visit to school to take with him when he dropped her off this morning. Told daughter to lock up and throw the front door key back in. So very clear to him this morning that I did not expect him to be coming back toy house until after he collected her. He took the front door key from her and came back to my house. I asked him straight out when I got home a while ago did he go to the coffee shop or home and he said oh I just came back here. Playing dumb. I asked him how he got in he said I took a key. I have now said directly no you can’t do that. He whinged a bit about how this is so much closer and I said so is the library and the coffee shop is even closer. He said okay sorry I just assumed and I just said yeah that’s the problem. I could not have been clearer now this afternoon so he can’t pretend next time that he didn’t realise. Absolute fucker. He knew full well he didn’t have permission to use the house. I even moved the spare key and locked an internal door so he couldn’t gain access via the back door. GAH!!!!!!! Hopefully that’s it actually sorted now!!!!

This was obviously going to happen and you should never have put your DC in this position. Why didn't you fake an emergency to stay at home until after they'd left?

Mulledjuice · 15/05/2025 17:33

So very clear to him this morning that I did not expect him to be coming back toy house until after he collected her.

Had you actually used those words?

Mrsgreen100 · 15/05/2025 18:39

Say NO !!!

Ricky10 · 15/05/2025 19:07

I would be concerned that he has had a key cut ........

thepariscrimefiles · 15/05/2025 19:17

outerspacepotato · 15/05/2025 15:42

Change your Wi-Fi password.

Surely he can just use his mobile hot spot if he can't access OP's Wi-Fi.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/05/2025 19:21

Well Done OP.. you've made it clear several times now in a very direct and firm way and you actually got an apology and a promise not to do it again.
I'd call that a win.
He's blown it because he knows you are on your guard and will kick off if he does it again.

dunroamingfornow · 15/05/2025 19:24

ZebraPyjamas · 14/05/2025 08:36

No he doesn’t have a key but he knows where the spare key is. I thought about just moving that but he’ll be leaving the house with my daughter and son in the morning after I leave so could just take a front door key with him then (I’ve never let him do this but in theory he could do it)

I’d change your Wi-fi/ hide the router and change the locks! It’s a request that you are perfectly entitled to refuse.

MissJeanBrodiesmother · 15/05/2025 19:50

Depends whether or not he throws his toys out of the pram and refuses to do any of the visits. If this is likely you need to decide what you would do if this was the outcome.

ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 20:15

Mulledjuice · 15/05/2025 17:33

So very clear to him this morning that I did not expect him to be coming back toy house until after he collected her.

Had you actually used those words?

Yes!

OP posts:
ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 20:15

Mrsgreen100 · 15/05/2025 18:39

Say NO !!!

I did! Several times!

OP posts:
ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 20:17

TheOccupier · 15/05/2025 17:20

This was obviously going to happen and you should never have put your DC in this position. Why didn't you fake an emergency to stay at home until after they'd left?

What position did I put DC in??? The whole reason he is there is because I have to leave for work before she gets dropped to school, I don’t know what faking an emergency would achieve here!!!! I don’t know if you’ve read all my posts.

OP posts:
ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 20:18

MissJeanBrodiesmother · 15/05/2025 19:50

Depends whether or not he throws his toys out of the pram and refuses to do any of the visits. If this is likely you need to decide what you would do if this was the outcome.

I’ve updated. He hasn’t refused to do the visits thankfully.

OP posts:
ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 20:18

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/05/2025 19:21

Well Done OP.. you've made it clear several times now in a very direct and firm way and you actually got an apology and a promise not to do it again.
I'd call that a win.
He's blown it because he knows you are on your guard and will kick off if he does it again.

Thank you :)

OP posts:
NewGoldFox · 15/05/2025 20:24

ZebraPyjamas · 14/05/2025 08:39

Other kids were there at the time so I dropped the conversation there. I’ve a message ready to send this morning to confirms arrangements and state that he can’t go to my house, but need to be prepared for the push back. Lots going on at the moment so I’m feeling quite fragile and want to minimise the conflict!

Modelling assertiveness is no bad thing for children to see. You’re not being the “bad guy” for setting boundaries and expectations.
Sorry that you are having to deal with this on top of a trying time! 🤗

BakelikeBertha · 15/05/2025 20:31

Sorry, I haven't RFT, but if all the doors in your house have keys OP, then it makes it MUCH easier. Simply lock all the doors with the exception of the bathroom, and whichever room you're happy for him to work in. Put a kettle, milk, tea, mug, etc on a tray in the room you allocate him, lock all the doors, then put the keys in the last room, lock the door and take that key with you.

TheCurious0range · 15/05/2025 20:43

For the sake of 5 days I'd just let it go, it's for your daughter

MeridianB · 15/05/2025 20:55

Why do I have a feeling that he will do it again now because you’ve asked him not to?

croydon15 · 15/05/2025 21:14

cantthinkofausername26 · 14/05/2025 09:23

Won’t it be better for your child if he is close by? If it’s a phased return it won’t last too long I’m guessing. When your child is back full time in school he can go back to working from his home

This, he could withdraw the offer and then you will have to take the time off yourself.

ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 21:41

croydon15 · 15/05/2025 21:14

This, he could withdraw the offer and then you will have to take the time off yourself.

Withdraw “the offer” to help his daughter while she’s unwell? So I should allow him to do all all over me because I’m afraid of what he might do? I divorced him so I wouldn’t have to keep living like that :)

OP posts:
ZebraPyjamas · 15/05/2025 21:41

MeridianB · 15/05/2025 20:55

Why do I have a feeling that he will do it again now because you’ve asked him not to?

I actually genuinely don’t think he will, but we’ll see what happens next week I suppose!

OP posts: