To tell exH he can’t wfh in my house while daughter is at school

[ZebraPyjamas]

I’ll try to keep this short - some background; exH and I are civil but he is not a good person, he lives with his parents and has never had the children overnight. I had to work to enforce firm boundaries after we split.

Recently our daughter was in hospital so he stayed in my house to look after the other children. I work part time so once she was home he came and wfh in my house the days I worked. Now she’s on phased return to school requiring a drop off in the morning, one visit for medical reasons 2 hours later and collecting 2.5 ish hours later.

He lives about 20 minutes from the school, my house is less than 10 minutes. He has spoken about his flexibility with work, when he signed on to work at 715 he’s been signed off by 3pm, with a lunch break of at least 30
minutes and coffee breaks etc in between. There will be no other children at home. He’s assuming he can use my house as a base during those in between hours so he would be there alone. This came up when I went through the schedule with him last night - he didn’t ask me if he could, but when I said you’ll have plenty of time to go home in between he said something along the lines of “hmmm your place is much closer, I’ll see”

I HATE him being in my space, I actually sage the place after he’s gone. Up to this he had never set foot in this house.

AIBU to say he can’t use my house?

He would just ask the kids where it is and they would probably tell him!

Honestly, I’d let it go if (and only if) it’s a VERY short term thing. Otherwise you might find him refusing to help cover your work days at all
Whilst it’s less than ideal, a bit of give and take is presumably being offered on his to help and some give and take on your part seems the mature, pragmatic approach to take personally

Buy a key safe and don't tell the kids the code

It will be at most 2 days in the week. There are coffee shops and a library as close as my house. So drop off, visit and collection is 3 round trips I guess?

I do the same back and forth. I feel that his choice to live that distance from his children is not my issue even though I do agree that back and forth is a hassle. There also only 2 more weeks of school so at most he will only have to do it 5 times over 3 weeks (including tomorrow)

Unfortunately they need access to the key!

So is he doing the mid morning school visit and the lunchtime pick up? Even if he is, I wouldn’t want an ex in my house, potentially snooping through my private things.
Could you find a way where he doesn’t need to be in the house first thing? Could the children go to breakfast club, or could you drop them to his/he collects them from you before you leave for work?

2 weeks left in school term so he might have to do this 5 times over 3 weeks.

Civil but not friendly.

because it’s cheaper I suppose? No plans to get his own place and never has the children overnight.

He does not do any actual parenting but sees them for a few hours once or twice a week.

Yes but I would have to tell them the code then and he would just ask them for the code!

Whilst I understand why you don't want him WfH in your house, the reality is he's being very, very flexible. Legally (not maybe morally) he doesn't need to be doing any of the child care at all on "your" days, and he's bending over backwards and being very accommodating (rightly so as a parent).

I'd let it go for the sake of 5 days. He's doing a lot to make your life easier, why not do this to make his easier in this fairly exceptional situation where despite being divorced, you're having to work as a team.

Usually my daughter gets the bus to school and I drop her to that before I go to work but she can’t do that at the moment. I can’t drop her to his either due to current medical needs but anyway wouldn’t have time between dropping other kids to bus and getting to work. So no alternative there for the moment!

Just change the lock, OP.

It’s his child.

Every day is my day though! He has never even while married done any child care whatsoever. I consider this the bare minimum. I also don’t think he’s bending over backwards. The only alternative to him covering my work days would be me taking unpaid leave which is not feasible. With regard to flexibility, for some context a few years ago hale asked to be removed as an emergency contact from the children’s schools as he said he couldn’t leave work to collect them if they’re sick, even though he works from home and would be closer to their schools when at home than I would be at work.

It’s a rental so I can’t!

Yes very short term

I don’t rely on him for anything child care related. He has never done school drop offs before. I have all of that taken care of but usual system doesn’t work for the next few weeks while daughter has these medical needs. There are 5 days in 3 weeks that need to be covered

Could you just get spare keys cut for the kids and do away with the keeping a spare under a flowerpot situation? Would probably be better from a security pov as well.

I should add he also has the options of taking a day paid leave if he can’t wfh in those circumstances. I don’t have that option.

While I don't think you're being unreasonable I do think you need to accept that if you say no to this he may just refuse to do it at all. Where would that leave you?
Would you be able to find another way to accommodate the appointments?
If so I would probably do that anyway, not because he shouldn't be doing this for his dd (he should) but because the less you have to rely on him the better. He isn't parenting and he isn't going to change. You relying on him just gives him power in your life. From experience the only way to avoid that is to not need him for anything.
If you couldn't manage without him doing this i probably wouldn't rock the boat.
I appreciate that you are responsible for 100% of everything and it's not fair, but you can't change him, only the amount he influences your life.

As your daughter has been in hospital and obviously has medical needs right now, couldn’t you speak to your employer and try to take some leave because it really doesn’t sound as if you want your ex to be doing what he’s doing? You’ve said yourself that there’s only two weeks left of the school term.

Oh yes, I don't exactly think he's a prince among men.

But, like it or not, your set up is such that he could choose not to help you. And if he did choose not to help you it would cause you a lot of problems.

He has stepped up, he is doing what he should do, so letting him WfH at your house for 5 day is the trade off.

If you say he can't WfH at yours, he might say he can't /wont cover the days, leaving you with a much bigger problem to solve...