To tell exH he can’t wfh in my house while daughter is at school

[ZebraPyjamas]

I’ll try to keep this short - some background; exH and I are civil but he is not a good person, he lives with his parents and has never had the children overnight. I had to work to enforce firm boundaries after we split.

Recently our daughter was in hospital so he stayed in my house to look after the other children. I work part time so once she was home he came and wfh in my house the days I worked. Now she’s on phased return to school requiring a drop off in the morning, one visit for medical reasons 2 hours later and collecting 2.5 ish hours later.

He lives about 20 minutes from the school, my house is less than 10 minutes. He has spoken about his flexibility with work, when he signed on to work at 715 he’s been signed off by 3pm, with a lunch break of at least 30
minutes and coffee breaks etc in between. There will be no other children at home. He’s assuming he can use my house as a base during those in between hours so he would be there alone. This came up when I went through the schedule with him last night - he didn’t ask me if he could, but when I said you’ll have plenty of time to go home in between he said something along the lines of “hmmm your place is much closer, I’ll see”

I HATE him being in my space, I actually sage the place after he’s gone. Up to this he had never set foot in this house.

AIBU to say he can’t use my house?

Why is he even coming into your house? If they are old enough to have keys/get the bus then surely they can be on their own for the short period between you leaving and him collecting. Then he collects DC, takes them to school, finds a nearby coffee shop/library whatever until pickup, returns DD then repeat for later pick up, drops then off home and then leave. If it's too long to leave them, then he takes them back to his or they go into town. I really would be doing everything in my power to prevent access to the home this is not helping your boundaries.

For the sake of 5 days, can you wfh or take any parental leave? Ask a friend to help, parents? Remove his key, get a key safe and explain to the DC that this is no longer dad's home so no longer appropriate for him to be using a key. Send your message and make sure it's absolutely clear he is not to come in.

I could but it would be unpaid leave which I can’t afford.

Yeah that’s definitely my concern

Thank you to everyone for all the feedback

Ultimately I think you need to balance up the benefits of him not being in your space against the potential negatives, i.e. your assessment of the probable response and reduction in childcare that he is doing.

What do you think he would do if you say no more WFH in your house? Is there a half way house where you permit it but email him or message that it will be a time limited arrangement with certain boundaries as you see fit and reasonable? Is this about him being in your home or a sense of loss of agency - you may be able to reclaim the latter while permitting the former.

Yeah honestly if this is short term I would just be the bigger person, put up with it and buy more sage!

So...
He was temporarily living in your home to take care of the other children for the time you were in the hospital with DD.
He is participating in the school situation on some days- picking children from your home, school visits in the middle and pick up - for the time being.

This explains why he needed (temporary) access to the key.
It doesn't sound totally unreasonable from him to want to work from your home on those days now.
It would have been be better if he asked than just assumed.

I am on the edge here. I understand you aren't happy about needing his help, and that he isn't helping you personally, he is helping DD.
Still, it might be a kind of investment in cooperative relationship to let him while the midday visit is needed.

I think that, under the circumstances, I’d be inclined to allow it just for the five days in two weeks, simply because of the complex arrangements and the flexibility he has available to him, which you don’t have in your own job.

However, obviously I don’t know your relationship or what he’s like as a person. If he has form for coercive controlling behaviour or violence or whatever, then of course that’s different. You, of course, understand the dynamic of your own situation.

If you definitely can’t handle him working in your home for a few days temporarily, then I think given your civility, maybe being straight with him would be a better option than just changing the WiFi password without telling him. But again, totally depends on the relationship.

"I'll see" 🤣🤣. It's not his house or his decision. I'm assuming his arrogance is a contributing factor in you guys being divorced

Can you lock your bedroom door? If not, I'd be putting anything personal in the loft (or where he won't look - eg the laundry basket 😁) and covering my room with post-it notes saying "I'm disappointed that you are in here, but not surprised. Get out".

But other than that, it does sound like you need to put up with this briefly (sorry).

I can't believe some of these replies - she doesn't want him alone in the house, after looking after his children (which he barely does otherwise)

Why ON EARTH is that a problem - he can go to Costa or the library for a couple of hours (hell, I've worked from my car in a carpark when it wasn't worth going back home inbetween school pickups)

He's not doing her a favour, he's picking up a bare minimum of childcare (she's doing all the rest of the pickups/dropoffs!)

Can I ask whether your exh pays maintenance for his kids? If he has a good job and he has never had them overnight, I would assume that he would be liable for quite a lot of maintenance. I'm wondering because you do seem to tiptoe around him so as not to upset or anger him even though, objectively, he sounds like a poor father and a waste of space.

If you aren't claiming, you should do so as soon as possible as that would help you afford to take unpaid leave in circumstances such as these.

I understand why you don't want him in the house on his own Op, but if he knows where the key is he could let himself in any day anyway. Once your DD better move the key, but until then it's him or unpaid leave.

Won’t it be better for your child if he is close by? If it’s a phased return it won’t last too long I’m guessing. When your child is back full time in school he can go back to working from his home

It's obvious that OP is always the bigger person. Her ex-husband is a shit dad who never looks after the children on his own or overnight. She must be sick of being the responsible parent 24/7 without a break.

Is this a joke? He's their father. He's not doing a favour - it is called parenting. He should be doing school drops offs and NOT expecting to use his ex-wife's house as his base for the day.

Not obvious enough for you apparently. He’ll be inside the house before the OP leaves for work as he is taking the dc or he’ll be outside the house waiting for DV to come out. So he’ll have access to the front door key

Tell him your wifi has been acting up and change the password, or take the whole wifi box with you to work and say you’re getting someone to look at it! I’d put cameras downstairs in communal areas of the house and lock doors of rooms you don’t want him to go in. It does sound like a control thing tbh if he is saying you don’t have a choice in whether he works in your house.

This is a crazy situation really. What's to stop him turning up at your house to 'WFH' whenever you're not there?
The next few days are very awkward for you but you have to set very clear boundaries, with him and the kids. Give the kids their own keys or have a key safe and they are NOT allowed to give him the code.

Can they not be on their own between you leaving and him picking them up?
And I second the question about maintenance too.

If it's a key safe then change the code

If it isn't then get one!

And the locks!

I definitely understand why you don't want him there but I think I would just suck it up to get through these next few weeks.
What's the plan for the summer? Do you need to work? Will you need him to do some parenting? I think it's going to be much easier to put down a hard line at the end of term than it is now.
Can you arrange in summer that the kids don't need the key? If so, I would make the start of the holidays the new locks / new key location moment.

Abso-fucking-lutely. I bloody despair reading some of the replies.

Can you change the lock to one that locks when he leaves without a key and then move the key you have to a lockbox?

I would also agree that if you need him to do the school run, you need to drop the kids at his place on your way to work, so that he is NOT in your house at all. And/or speak to your employer to find a temporary flexible working arrangement for the final weeks of the summer term so that you can phase her back in fully without him.