To tell exH he can’t wfh in my house while daughter is at school

[ZebraPyjamas]

I’ll try to keep this short - some background; exH and I are civil but he is not a good person, he lives with his parents and has never had the children overnight. I had to work to enforce firm boundaries after we split.

Recently our daughter was in hospital so he stayed in my house to look after the other children. I work part time so once she was home he came and wfh in my house the days I worked. Now she’s on phased return to school requiring a drop off in the morning, one visit for medical reasons 2 hours later and collecting 2.5 ish hours later.

He lives about 20 minutes from the school, my house is less than 10 minutes. He has spoken about his flexibility with work, when he signed on to work at 715 he’s been signed off by 3pm, with a lunch break of at least 30
minutes and coffee breaks etc in between. There will be no other children at home. He’s assuming he can use my house as a base during those in between hours so he would be there alone. This came up when I went through the schedule with him last night - he didn’t ask me if he could, but when I said you’ll have plenty of time to go home in between he said something along the lines of “hmmm your place is much closer, I’ll see”

I HATE him being in my space, I actually sage the place after he’s gone. Up to this he had never set foot in this house.

AIBU to say he can’t use my house?

I'd be more worried about him snooping

OP, think about what you'd say to me if I insisted I was going to let myself into your home and work from there because it was easiest for me. Then say that to him, because the position is really no different.

If it's only for a few weeks then I think I'd let him. If you don't want him to then message him saying, I'm sorry but I don't want you wfh at mine.

I totally understand why you don't want him in the house OP. No way would I even have left him in my house with dc there (talking for myself)

I would have to find a work around and deal with it myself. What would you do if his work wasn't as flexible or if he wasn't willing?

I would convince him not to WFH in your house by telling him that you know he still loves you and he’s trying to weasel his way back into your life by being in your home more, but you just don’t feel the same way about him.

Act sympathetic and caring and look like you feel sooooo sorry for him being so desperate to be near you that he has to use any excuse he can to be in your home at the slightest opportunity.

Then let him prove you wrong by going elsewhere.

I have a very amicable relationship with my ExH.. but he still isn't allowed in the house on his own because i don't trust him not to snoop in my bedroom. I don't blame you OP.

He can go to the library, and quite frankly if he DOES take a key, that means you have grounds to ban him from your house altogether.

Classic male entitlement.

I’d suck it up for a few weeks.

I assume if you say no then there’s a danger he says well he won’t be able to help with your dd as the increase in travel time would impact on his job too much. And then you’ll be dumped with having to sort it all out yourself

Ha! "I'll see"?! Tell him to jog on!

He helped in an emergency but things have moved on now. Even if you had a healthy relationship I can see why this may be uncomfortable. But given his self-serving boundary jumping, it would be a hard no.

If your children are old enough to let themselves in then couldn't he just collect and drop - no need to enter your home? And work from cafe or library or wherever?

Please tell me he pays proper maintenance?

OPS daughter has to be picked up at different time to the other kids so how can she ask a friend whose child goes to the same school ? Also, there is a medical visit , it’s not everyone you will like doing that, or that her daughter will feel comfortable with, so as far as paying someone to do it goes 🙄 , I’d say safely , not on the table ..
It’s one day , she is not relying on her children’s father too much ! ! !

Would he be willing to pay you what you’d lose in wages, in lieu of doing the childcare himself?

How many kids did you have by him?

Facts, statements, they will stand you well if you feel fragile.

I can't see how old yoru children are.

Could they have a key in their school bags so that they have a key but he can't get it?

Then when this three weeks are over you could hide the spare?

Him doing the drop offs isn’t doing you a favour. It’s his kids and he should be doing that anyway. And it doesn’t mean that because he is doing it, that you need to feel grateful and allow him to take advantage. Set clear boundaries with him op. What a joke of a man, 20 min to travel back home is nothing at all.

I wouldn’t want my ex in my house under any circumstances and YANBU to say no. However I think you have blurred the boundaries a bit by letting him live in the house when the children needed looking after. That has given the message that you’re ok with him being there so he now thinks he can push that to his advantage.

You need to be very clear that he can’t use the house and then either get a key safe or make other arrangements so that the key isn’t accessible.

I’m going against the grain here but personally I’d feel the current situation requires more flexibility from him and you to make it work. It’s hard having a child off school and it’s great that you and he have been able to coparent through this without either having to take loads of unpaid leave.

But I would explain that as soon as your daughter is going to school full time he will not be able to access the home.

The issue is the entitlement. That he can pick and choose if he has access to your house, whether he uses it or not. It’s triggering the underlying issue that he is also able to pick and choose how much childcare he does, how involved he is etc. You do not have that luxury. You are carrying the responsibility for everything day in and day out.

He could become self sufficient and be a proper father by securing his own accommodation and therefore parenting properly - but he chooses not to. He gets to call all of the shots. It’s all on his terms, which is why you are annoyed. Understandably.

So there was much more to the ‘I see’ than it first appears. It’s not his bloody decision.

On that basis I would say no, find a coffee shop. My house is not going to be appropriate as the emergency is now over. I am going to restore my own boundaries. He is doing this for his dd, not for you.

Can you sort other arrangements for childcare?
He really shouldn’t be looking after your other children as well (the ones that aren’t his)?

buy a small key safe like the ones you see on airbnbs. only give the number to your children. make it something they can remember but dont tell exh then he has no access to your key either.

But presumably he has to leave the house and lock up, still having access to the key.

I don't know about these things, but can you get a keypad entry with a code that the (presumably) older kids can use to come and go, but one that you don't have to use the code to lock up, the door locks itself behind him IYSWIM. Assuming he is just leaving with child, rather than arriving with child, then he doesn't need the code.
Failing that just tell him that he absolutely can not work from your home!! While there are no children there to look after!

I do think this is a trickier one than I first thought and I'd hope any reasonable co-parenting team would just do what is best for this very short period of time. However as he hasn't exactly been a co-parent I don't think you need to do anything to support him. Do you have a backup plan if you say no to this and he says he therefore won't do any of it? Other family members or some sort of compassionate leave from your work?

I don’t understand why you don’t just tell him no.

‘no, not ‘I’ll see’, you can’t work from my home.

easy peasy. If he goes and lets himself in, ring him and tell him to leave otherwise you’ll call the police.

I honestly don’t know why it’s a problem. Even in front of the kids. A simple ‘sorry that doesn’t work for me, make an alternative arrangement for work that’s not my house.

A very minor contributory factor but yes!!!!!!

He can use the coffee shop but if you do let him use your home, set up a couple of webcams to monitor his activity.