To not tell Ex-PIL to stop giving DD money?

[GrandparentsPocketMoney]

My parents have told me I have to tell Ex-PIL to stop giving DD (aged 10 almost 11) pocket money each week because they already feel sidelined and now they know Ex-PIL give her money as well they can’t and DD will always now choose Ex-PILs over them.

ExH lives with his parents, so DD spends 40% of her time with them (5 nights a fortnight). They give all their grandchildren (ExHs siblings have DC) half their age as pocket money or if they’re under 7 as sweets or magazines. So DD gets £5 a week off them (going up to £5.50 when she turns 11) they give this to DD in cash and she then brings it home she insists my house is home and ExHs/Ex-PILs house is dads/grandparents but that's a whole other thread and I put it onto her debit card (she has an account similar to GoHenry included with my bank account). I also top this money up by £5 a week so she gets £10 a week total.

My parents think I should ask Ex-PILs to not give DD money and let them give it instead. They feel she gets too much pocket money already so can’t give her more on top. I’ve offered to cut mine so they can give it instead but they still think Ex-PIL need to “back off” as they have other GC and they don’t (my siblings don’t want DC and I don’t want anymore) so they have other opportunities to be Grandparents whereas they don’t. They also think Ex-PILs already have a better deal with being grandparents than them (my parents) because they live in DDs other home so she’s more likely to choose them over my parents because they think she has a better relationship with them.

I told them to tell Ex-PILs themselves but apparently it’ll sound better coming from me as they have only met them a couple of times.

For added context DD doesn’t spend more than £4 a week unless she really wants something which annoys my parents even more because they think if that’s the case then I can save what I give her for her future and Ex-PILs can just use their money on their other GC. I personally don’t think we can tell Ex-PILs how/when to spend their own money – ExH pays me CM so that’s as far as my relationship with him/his family and money goes. I also already save for her future but this is just her money for now to do as she wishes. Last time I checked her account she had over £100 sitting there (she sometimes asks me to take the money off and save it in my bank and send it back to her when she wants it which I do she normally only ever asks for a few £)

AIBU to not to speak as Ex-PILs to stop giving DD money?

@GrandparentsPocketMoney - just tell them how other folks grandparent is none of their business and you are no longer interested in hearing about it going forward. Nip the conversation in the bud every time. “Parent - you are overstepping our boundaries, please stop.” Repeat verbatim until they do.

The Ex PIL as you call them are your child's grandparents.
They are free to give her money as they see fit.
Your parents are interfering in something that quite frankly is none of their business.
Why not open a child savings account for your daughter (not a child trust fund) and give both sets of grandparents the details so that if they wish they can send her money. You could regularly save £20 a month for her instead of adding to her pocket money. I would slso look for a bank account that is free to use rather than one that has a monthly charge.

Your parents are being ridiculous. It's perfectly ok for their other grandparents to treat them. Honestly of they prefer them it won't be because they give them pocket money it's because they are attention seeking and divisive.

I have an ISA for her and then I have short term savings that I use for things like school trips, uniform etc. so she can go on trips etc.

My parents expected Ex-PILs to pay for everything, not that Ex didn't ask them for anything. We didn't ask anyone to pay for our wedding or anything at all, although Ex-PIL did buy ExH a car when DD was a toddler as his broke down and was unfixable.

Your parents are being ridiculous, it isn't up to them how much money your DD gets from anyone apart from themselves. Your DD is very fortunate and that absolutely shouldn't be taken away or cut down because your parents can't afford to do same and they're jealous.

I do already save for her, and this was my offered solution but my parents say she already gets too much money so ex-PILs need to stop paying at all and they just give the £5 without me giving DD any top up but I can't tell ex-PILs what to do.

No you can't.

Just tell them that they can do what they like and so can your PIL.

They don't get to dictate what your PIL do and you will certainly not be passing on any messages.

I would tell your parents that if they have an issue with ex PiL giving your DD pocket money they should tell them themselves - that you don’t agree with it and you won’t be the go between. Then I would forewarn your ex PiL and say that should your parents actually contact them about it, they should tell them in no uncertain terms that what they give their grand daughter in the way of pocket money is none of your parents’ business.

I would also explain to your parents that their behaviour is off the scale controlling and that as a result of them putting their petty jealousy above the welfare of their grand child, you have concerns about whether it’s in her best interests to be around them.

That’s what I’d do. But then I’m an arse !!

It’s not up to your parents how much money your DD has or gets. It’s up to YOU, the parent, to decide how much is too much. If they want to give, they give. If they don’t, they don’t. None of the rest is any of their business and I suggest you tell them to stick to their role as GRANDPARENTS and butt their big noses right out.

This thread has achieved a rare unanimity in comments - your parents are BU to try and dictate what two other adults do for their own DGD. Bonkers!

she finds them a bit intense and competitive.

Your DD is very perceptive. Ironically, it's their competitiveness that will lose them the perceived grandparenting contest, nothing to do with money.