To not tell Ex-PIL to stop giving DD money?

[GrandparentsPocketMoney]

My parents have told me I have to tell Ex-PIL to stop giving DD (aged 10 almost 11) pocket money each week because they already feel sidelined and now they know Ex-PIL give her money as well they can’t and DD will always now choose Ex-PILs over them.

ExH lives with his parents, so DD spends 40% of her time with them (5 nights a fortnight). They give all their grandchildren (ExHs siblings have DC) half their age as pocket money or if they’re under 7 as sweets or magazines. So DD gets £5 a week off them (going up to £5.50 when she turns 11) they give this to DD in cash and she then brings it home she insists my house is home and ExHs/Ex-PILs house is dads/grandparents but that's a whole other thread and I put it onto her debit card (she has an account similar to GoHenry included with my bank account). I also top this money up by £5 a week so she gets £10 a week total.

My parents think I should ask Ex-PILs to not give DD money and let them give it instead. They feel she gets too much pocket money already so can’t give her more on top. I’ve offered to cut mine so they can give it instead but they still think Ex-PIL need to “back off” as they have other GC and they don’t (my siblings don’t want DC and I don’t want anymore) so they have other opportunities to be Grandparents whereas they don’t. They also think Ex-PILs already have a better deal with being grandparents than them (my parents) because they live in DDs other home so she’s more likely to choose them over my parents because they think she has a better relationship with them.

I told them to tell Ex-PILs themselves but apparently it’ll sound better coming from me as they have only met them a couple of times.

For added context DD doesn’t spend more than £4 a week unless she really wants something which annoys my parents even more because they think if that’s the case then I can save what I give her for her future and Ex-PILs can just use their money on their other GC. I personally don’t think we can tell Ex-PILs how/when to spend their own money – ExH pays me CM so that’s as far as my relationship with him/his family and money goes. I also already save for her future but this is just her money for now to do as she wishes. Last time I checked her account she had over £100 sitting there (she sometimes asks me to take the money off and save it in my bank and send it back to her when she wants it which I do she normally only ever asks for a few £)

AIBU to not to speak as Ex-PILs to stop giving DD money?

Because I knew they wouldn't! Or if they did Ex-FIL especially would shut them down quite quickly (DD is definitely the apple of Ex-FILs eye as she's the oldest GDaughter!)

Why can't they pay whatever they're willing to pay into an ISA for her? Or even a pension. If they're interested in being generous, those will be far better in the long term.
If they just want to whine that it's not fair, well 🤷‍♀️

I don't know if they give the other GC holiday spends, I assume so but I don't ask.

Your parents are being mean spirited and ridiculous. Of course your ex partner’s parents shouldn’t have to stop giving your children spending money. It’s irrelevant how many grandchildren each set of grandparents have. I would tell your parents to wind their necks in. Jealousy is never a good look.

Honestly if your parents asked me to stop giving money I’d probably double it. Just to be petty.

I might suggest this to Ex-FIL if my parents decide to discuss it with him 😂

Sorry but your parents are bang out of order. It's nothing to do with them what your pil do

Stop telling them about the money she gets. And if they ask, say it’s none of their business and you will not be discussing it further. End of.

Definitely stop telling them, especially about treats and holiday money. If they ask, ask them why they want to know and why it concerns them. If your daughter tells them and they comment have a word with them when she isn't there and tell them to stop it. They sound very intrusive.

DD tells them, and on a day out over Easter with my parents she mentioned that she could get something "With the money Grandy and Pops (her names for ex-pils) give me as I have some left over"

When my grandson was born I set up an account which I paid £15 in each month. He had no idea of this until this year when at Christmas, he told us that he and his girlfriend were saving up to go travelling. They had both saved a couple of thousand and were working as many hours as they could. I gave him the bank statement and he was so emotional. He is currently having the best time and has been away for 2 months with another 2 to go. He is sending us regular videos and pictures. He will always remember this experience and not what he was given or not given at the age of 5.

Well I wouldn't tell her to keep it secret but if your parents comment I would tell them to mind their own business and if they comment in front of your daughter I would be very annoyed and take it up with them later. Do they interfere in your life generally or have an opinion on everything?

Your parents sound batshit crazy frankly! Tell them that how you parent your child is absolutely none of their business and if your daughter's grandparents choose to give her pocket money, that's also none of their business!

You need to put your DPs on an information diet because they weaponise everything for THEIR personal benefit - not yours or your DDs. How dreadful to advise that a child only sees their own father once a month. Totally emotioanlly destructive.

Your parents are ridiculous. How immature to be jealous of what Pil give their grandchild. They ought to be happy for her as long as she's not spoilt and entitled. Tell them that what PIL give DD has nothing to do with them- it's her dad's parents and he deals with them as you deal with your parents. They sound so petty though that I don't know how you can stand visiting them without exploding.

Can't your parents spend money on taking her out for tea once a week or something?

I'd tell my mum and dad to f off if they tried to dictate things like this! How ridiculous 🙄

Does your DD ever go to your parents alone OP, ie, do they ever look after her, and if so, what do they do to entertain her?

When I had my child we had a falling out with my DH's parents, and didn't see them for a few years, so when we introduced them to our child, they went overboard with gifts etc., because they too were very wealthy. My DM felt a bit put out because my parents didn't have a lot of cash to throw around, but my child grew up knowing that the amount of money someone spends on you, or gives you, has nothing to do with how nice a person they are, and also enjoyed time spent baking and gardening with my DP's, much more than they enjoyed time with my in-laws. As time went on, my DM realised that the love and time, she spent with my child, meant far more to my child, than money ever could.

It's brilliant that your DD has such a close relationship with her father and grandparents. Your parents are not being sensible about this at all, sounds like they are jealous, probably because they can't afford to spend as much on her and they don't get to spend as much time with her. Ignore the batshit suggestion but think about what you could do to make them feel more secure in their relationship with your DD.

They do spend time alone with her but not often maybe an hour or two a few times a year, they like to see us together as I can only go once a fortnight really. They don't like seeing me without DD, I do offer to go when she's at school and I'm not working but they usually say it's boring without DD.

Your parents are being weird

I think you made a mistake in telling your dp to tell in-laws themselves - you've given them the idea that stopping the pocket money is something you will allow to happen, if your parents talk to in-laws. And actually, you can't control this even if you wanted to - you are divorced and have no real ability to tell your ex's parents that they can't give her pocket money, if that's what your ex allows. Your parents are bonkers.

You are also allowing them too much say. How your dd is raised, how often she sees her paternal GPs, pocket money etc are decisions for parents, not grandparents. You have to stop your folks from overstepping - they will just end up alienating your daughter in the long run. The best way to protect the relationship is to shut down this notion that they get a say in parenting.
It was outrageous that they think your ex should only have his child for one overnight - they've forgotten whose child she is!

I’d have told your parents to mind their own buisness and never mention it again. I wouldn’t have entered into any conversation about this at all.

The fact your DD likes your parents but finds them ‘a bit intense and competitive’ is very perceptive of her.

Sorry voted wrong meant YNBU your parents are ridiculous

Your parents are being petty silly assholes. It is not a competition over your child's affections and why would you listen at all to them, Tell them what your exes family do is up to them, why would you start a war with the ex laws over something so trivial and end up with them hating you.