To not tell Ex-PIL to stop giving DD money?

[GrandparentsPocketMoney]

My parents have told me I have to tell Ex-PIL to stop giving DD (aged 10 almost 11) pocket money each week because they already feel sidelined and now they know Ex-PIL give her money as well they can’t and DD will always now choose Ex-PILs over them.

ExH lives with his parents, so DD spends 40% of her time with them (5 nights a fortnight). They give all their grandchildren (ExHs siblings have DC) half their age as pocket money or if they’re under 7 as sweets or magazines. So DD gets £5 a week off them (going up to £5.50 when she turns 11) they give this to DD in cash and she then brings it home she insists my house is home and ExHs/Ex-PILs house is dads/grandparents but that's a whole other thread and I put it onto her debit card (she has an account similar to GoHenry included with my bank account). I also top this money up by £5 a week so she gets £10 a week total.

My parents think I should ask Ex-PILs to not give DD money and let them give it instead. They feel she gets too much pocket money already so can’t give her more on top. I’ve offered to cut mine so they can give it instead but they still think Ex-PIL need to “back off” as they have other GC and they don’t (my siblings don’t want DC and I don’t want anymore) so they have other opportunities to be Grandparents whereas they don’t. They also think Ex-PILs already have a better deal with being grandparents than them (my parents) because they live in DDs other home so she’s more likely to choose them over my parents because they think she has a better relationship with them.

I told them to tell Ex-PILs themselves but apparently it’ll sound better coming from me as they have only met them a couple of times.

For added context DD doesn’t spend more than £4 a week unless she really wants something which annoys my parents even more because they think if that’s the case then I can save what I give her for her future and Ex-PILs can just use their money on their other GC. I personally don’t think we can tell Ex-PILs how/when to spend their own money – ExH pays me CM so that’s as far as my relationship with him/his family and money goes. I also already save for her future but this is just her money for now to do as she wishes. Last time I checked her account she had over £100 sitting there (she sometimes asks me to take the money off and save it in my bank and send it back to her when she wants it which I do she normally only ever asks for a few £)

AIBU to not to speak as Ex-PILs to stop giving DD money?

OP, you say of your own DPs, “DD likes them but she finds them a bit intense and competitive.”. I’m not surprised. I am open mouthed that your DPs would think it’s their place to ask you to tell your DC’s other DGPs to stop giving your daughter pocket money - it is so not their business. Also has it not occurred to them that, were you to do so and your DC found out, it would reflect very badly indeed on both you and them? Tell them that all DGPs are free to give your DC as much or as little as they see fit. It’s really not a competition. I know my son’s MIL is better placed than I am, and can afford to take her DC and DGC on holiday from time to time, which I certainly can’t - but I am pleased for them that they are able to go. Your DPs need to start looking at things from a perspective of what is in their DGC’s best interests and stop being so petty, jealous and interfering - it really isn’t a good look.

Your parents are being totally unreasonable, and I wouldn't encourage them to make this ridiculous demand of your PIL themselves - PIL might assume you agreed and it could harm your relationship with them. Of course DD has a good relationship with PIL if she sees them so much. I understand why your DP might be jealous, but tough.

(Having said that, personally I think £10 a week spending money is too much for a ten-year-old. I would put your £5 into a savings account she can’t access yet, and if your DP wanted to do the same they could, and tell your DD what they are doing.)

Your parents need to grow up and act like mature adults.

My parents think I should ask Ex-PILs to not give DD money and let them give it instead. They feel she gets too much pocket money already so can’t give her more on top. I’ve offered to cut mine so they can give it instead but they still think Ex-PIL need to “back off” as they have other GC and they don’t

Your parents really need to wind their necks in. They sound completely irrational and my-way-or-the-high-way types. And they’re jealous and resentful of their own grandchild’s relationship with her family:

Your ex-husband must have LOVED having them as in-laws.

I would tell them hee-haw about anything to do with your daughter’s other GPs going forward.

I have the same sort of situation. Pils give my kids a monthly allowance and only live round the corner so they do see them more. My mum can't afford to give the same and I do think there is a bit a jealously there but she would never tell me to tell them to stop. Kids don't think any less of her for not giving.
Oh and now the eldest is 15 the extra pocket money helps when she wants fancy shower gels and shampoos instead of the generic stuff that I buy 😂

sounds like they should spend more time with her, have her to stay over etc, and save some money for her future. You cannot ask them to stop giving money, it’s not their business.

Imagine begrudging a child their pocket/holiday money. Disgusting behaviour.

Your parents need to realise that all that matters is that their GC is loved and lucky to be cared for my so many adults.
also, maybe you should open a savings account for her.

The most outrageous thing in all this is your parent's view that your DD shouldn't get more pocket money. Stuff changes. Big ticket items come along and need to be saved up for.

And just wait til she's older, cost of driving lessons etc. Both grandmothers of my DC are contributing (thousands!) to support DC with costs of going to uni, even loans need to be added to be thousands. Encourage them to look ahead - in my opinion late teens/ early 20s can be even more expensive than the earlier years.

Your parents have a strange take on this. If your DD only spends a couple of pounds of the pocket money a weekend and saves the rest, she sounds like a sensible child! What is their objection to her adding any pocket money they give her to her savings? If they want to feel like they're treating her, I'm sure they could find something inexpensive to give her now and again when she visits, favourite sweets, art supplies etc.

You can't seriously think your parents are right
They are not ex pil
They are your child's grandparents
Exactly the the same relationship to your DD as your parents

That bit from your ex is really weird, though!

”My parents have told me I have to”

Do your parents often demand what you have to do? This sounds pretty controlling, and I imagine is not in isolation.

If you are over the age of 18 then they can’t really boss you around. If you are a paid employee of their business, they can tell you what your work duties are. If you live in their home, they can decide reasonable rules on how you behave in their house. But outside of that they can’t go making crazy demands on you and your child.

I would just refuse to talk about money from ILs again with your parents. They are bieng completely unreasonable.
Next time they ask about pocket money or bring it up say you are not discussing it again and keep changing the subject.

They are ridiculous!
why do t they open a savings account for her, it won’t be long before she is spending far more than that each week and she will need pocket money from everyone!

I was just coming to say the same.

it’s none of their business what her other GPs do. It IS in their co trial what they do. So start saving for her if money is so important.

also, what they think she should get is irrelevant. You are her parent. It sounds like you have managed to retain a good solid co parenting relationship with your ex and his family are part of your daughter’s life. If your parents live her as they say then they should be delighted she has so much support.

my mum can’t help us financially but my MIL can. Does my mum complain, no. She does what she can. She lives closer so can offer time and attention in a way MIL can’t due to distance. They all love the kids!

Your parents are weird and actually sound horrible. You're too boring to see alone?!
Don't entertain them deciding what your daughter's grandparents do.

Absolutely nonsensical trying to control another grandparents spending like this I've never heard such tosh.

Your parents can always put money into a bank account themselves so your dd doesn't have too much spending money and can have money for when she's older which I'm sure she would be hugely grateful for.
It's weird instead of using their brain power to come to a satisfactory solution themselves they want you to ask them to treat all their grandchildren differently!!

So they want to take something nice away from their grandaughter so that they can make themselves feel better? Not great behaviour from grown adults that are supposed to love her.

I am a DGM. It is not a competition.
I do not give my DGC any pocket money, but pay into an account set up by my DS for them.
What I have is a relationship with them. That means more than anything.

Personally I’d be doing all I could to get as much money as I could for my DC as who knows how much houses etc are going to cost for them by the time they’re adults. I would tell your parents PiL (or whatever the abbreviation is) has stopped and they need to start putting £5.50/week in an isa for her to access when she’s 18. Then keep accepting the original money. Everyone’s happy and none the wiser. And your DD is rich! Problem solved. You’re welcome.

Yes I agree they could enjoy the other parts of life with your DD, seems they don’t strive for that either?

They do sound a PITA, whilst in-laws treat every GC the same and have a plan of how they like doing that.

Absolutely not. Suggest to your parents that they put some money into a bank account for your daughter so she has a lump sum when she is older.

It is none of your parents business who gives you daughter pocket money or how much they give her!
Being a grandparent is a privilege NOT a competition between the sets of grandparents as to who can treat the grandkids the best ffs
I would be encouraging the child to save some of her pocket money though - this is something that will help her to appreciate the value of money ( I hope that makes sense as I mean it kindly and not condescendingly ) .
Your daughter clearly has a wonderful relationship with her paternal grandparents , why would you fracture that by dictating what they should and shouldn’t do to salve your parents ego?

Not only should the ex PIL be able to give pocket money as they see fit- YABVU by saying your parents should speak to them to sort it.

why drag your child’s life down because your parents are jealous and insecure. Also what are they saying about your child’s character that they’ll only respond to money.

extra money could be invested for your child or saved towards things in the future. Why limit your child’s options? Why is there a maximum level your child can have and why are your parents dictating this austerity. You’ll always need money for something.

if they can’t give money, they could give time instead. I think the other PIL sound lovely.