To not tell Ex-PIL to stop giving DD money?

[GrandparentsPocketMoney]

My parents have told me I have to tell Ex-PIL to stop giving DD (aged 10 almost 11) pocket money each week because they already feel sidelined and now they know Ex-PIL give her money as well they can’t and DD will always now choose Ex-PILs over them.

ExH lives with his parents, so DD spends 40% of her time with them (5 nights a fortnight). They give all their grandchildren (ExHs siblings have DC) half their age as pocket money or if they’re under 7 as sweets or magazines. So DD gets £5 a week off them (going up to £5.50 when she turns 11) they give this to DD in cash and she then brings it home she insists my house is home and ExHs/Ex-PILs house is dads/grandparents but that's a whole other thread and I put it onto her debit card (she has an account similar to GoHenry included with my bank account). I also top this money up by £5 a week so she gets £10 a week total.

My parents think I should ask Ex-PILs to not give DD money and let them give it instead. They feel she gets too much pocket money already so can’t give her more on top. I’ve offered to cut mine so they can give it instead but they still think Ex-PIL need to “back off” as they have other GC and they don’t (my siblings don’t want DC and I don’t want anymore) so they have other opportunities to be Grandparents whereas they don’t. They also think Ex-PILs already have a better deal with being grandparents than them (my parents) because they live in DDs other home so she’s more likely to choose them over my parents because they think she has a better relationship with them.

I told them to tell Ex-PILs themselves but apparently it’ll sound better coming from me as they have only met them a couple of times.

For added context DD doesn’t spend more than £4 a week unless she really wants something which annoys my parents even more because they think if that’s the case then I can save what I give her for her future and Ex-PILs can just use their money on their other GC. I personally don’t think we can tell Ex-PILs how/when to spend their own money – ExH pays me CM so that’s as far as my relationship with him/his family and money goes. I also already save for her future but this is just her money for now to do as she wishes. Last time I checked her account she had over £100 sitting there (she sometimes asks me to take the money off and save it in my bank and send it back to her when she wants it which I do she normally only ever asks for a few £)

AIBU to not to speak as Ex-PILs to stop giving DD money?

Why should your daughter miss out because of their insecurities? And why should you be the go between.

As your daughter isn’t even spending it all, it doesn’t sound like money particularly drives her or her behaviour, or would impact who she ‘likes the most’ anyway.

You can change your vote 😊

So they want your DC to go without so they can buy her affection? How would she feel if they give their other gc money and not her. Sounds ridiculous

And I would open her an ISA or something if she is able to save some of it.

This is quite controlling isn’t it ? They’ve arbitrarily decided that if they give DD another fiver she’ll be getting too much pocket money, even though she doesn’t spend what she gets now. I would tell them that what her paternal grandparents give her is none of their business, and that the relationships with family are more important than money. I’d say that whether they also give her pocket money or not is their own business, but you’re not going to stop PiL’s contribution just to satisfy their petty jealousy. Tell them if they want to contribute they could open an ISA for your DD and put any pocket money they would have given in that instead, so she has something when she’s older.

I think l’d also have to say something about the way in which they’re trying to make money the driving force behind their relationship with their DGD when it sounds as though money isn’t important to her - at least right now. It’s not a good look for them.

How utterly sad for your daughter that she has grandparents who want to cause problems in her relationship with her other grandparents and potentially her dad for the sake of £5 a week pocket money and their quite frankly batshit jealousy. There is nothing stopping them from either giving her pocket money themselves or finding something else to bond them to their only grandchild.

I would tell them to piss off btw.

Tell them that you’ll only tell ex PIL to stop giving her money if you can also tell DD why she isn’t getting it any more. That will shut them up.

I’ve lost both my grandparents. Neither gave me pocket money. One always gave me money for birthdays and the other was a terrible present buyer but spoiled me in other ways - it didn’t change how I felt about them. It is nice that your DD has a lovely relationship with her grandparents - your parents need to focus more on connection and less on competition.

Why do your parents even know she gets pocket money from her other set of grandparents? Mine have no idea what the other set of grandparents give as gifts and vice versa. If your parents ask then shut it down, I'd be blunt to the point of rudeness and say they are being weirdly competitive and you won't discuss it again.

Do what is, in your thoughtful and considered opinion, best for your child. Always. You and her dad decide. That in itself can be challenging; you don't need anyone else mixing in. You can respectfully listen to and consider your parents' opinion, but you are also free to dismiss it.

It sounds like what your ex's parents are doing is reasonable and fair; they give a moderate amount to all of the grandchildren and scale it by age. Everyone knows what to expect; it's not going to suddenly change on whim. I'd keep that for your daughter. Let her be a grandchild and be like her cousins; don't separate her out because of what your parents want for themselves. Instead, perhaps challenge them to give her something of themselves that only they can - maybe stories about your family heritage and past, maybe a trip to someplace where there are family roots, maybe giving her a family heirloom or getting her a present with special significance (not necessarily expensive) for a birthday or Christmas?

Your parents are way out of order and sound rather controlling. I think it's a nice thing the other grandparents are doing and they're treating all their grandchildren the same. It sounds like your parents resent their relationship with your dc. They need to build their own relationship with their grandchildren not try to take away one with the other side.
There are lots of way they could treat your dc if they don't want to give more money. It's not wrong for them to want to be more involved but it is wrong for them to take something away from the other grandparents.

Why don't your parents save it up in an account for your dd for when she turns 18/21, that way they will fell like they are doing something for her.

I assume that OP means that when she married her ex-DH, her own parents asked how much OP's PILs were giving them each month.

Sounds like they are jealous and trying to push out the other grandparents. Why don't they set up a savings account for her instead, that would be a nice thing to do as an alternative.

They tell you seeing you is boring unless your daughter is there? They do not sound very kind OP or reasonable. This is not normal behaviour!

Telling their adult daughter that, dictating how much pocket money their grandchild should get. Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this? Have some boundaries and tell them what her other grand parents choose to do is none of their business and you will not be talking about it again.

Refuse to discuss it with your parents anymore, open an ISA for your DD, send them the details and tell them to stick their £5 a week in there. Your parents are disgraceful and sound very controlling. My mum is very well off, my MIL is not. Neither has a clue how much money each has given my kids and neither has ever asked because that is incredibly rude and inappropriate.

Your parents would prefer their grandchild to go without pocket money from her other grandparents in order to prevent their own bitterness at it not being a level playing field for them. My goodness, that’s all sorts of wrong thinking.

I know they are your parents OP, but please do not entertain this idea from them. Put a stop to their thinking as soon as possible by explaining that you don’t want your daughter to measure the success of her relationships on how much money she receives. It is morally wrong and I’m sure goes against a child’s instincts to love her family, anyway.
Encourage your daughter to value her lovely relationships equally with both sets of grandparents in spite of them each having a different set of circumstances.

Your parents are controlling and way off with this request and show themselves in a bad light.
You are correct to object strongly to their line of thinking on this.

This is the perfect time to tell your daughter about not mentioning the source of her funds in front of other people. I can't talk about any gifts from the other GPs to my children or my mother becomes incandescent with jealousy. If she asks about money I just say, "oh gosh, I have no idea!" When in fact, I know all the figures but have absolutely no intention of sharing it with them! I wouldn't even tell them the price if we were buying a house. The tittle tattle and jealousy!

So your parents solution for their jealousy of your ex-PIL’s is for your ex-PIL’s to treat your DD differently to their other GC’s and for your DD to miss out? Because that won’t cause issues down the line when DD finds out that she gets no pocket money from them whilst her cousins do! Your parents should be happy that your DD has 4 supportive GP’s who all want to have a good relationship with her.

it also sounds like you have instilled a good attitude towards money with your DD and that she understands the value of it - it’s so cute she asks you to put chunks of it in her savings until she’s decided what she wants to do with it ☺️ keep doing what you’re doing OP!

I know they are you ex-PIL and you might just be referring to them as that here for ease. But do you think if you stopped talking about them as ex and just at the other grandparents your parents might see things slightly differently?

It seems that they think of you as the primary carer, and therefore themselves as the primary grandparents. Whereas in fact they are all “just” grandparents. The fact you and your ex are no longer together hasn’t altered the grandparents standing.

What maybe best is if your parents give the same amount of money (if they can afford it) and put it into premium bonds. That way they can stick to the guns of her not having any more spending money right now, but can always tell your daughter that they give her pocket money too.

Your parents need to stop being so ridiculously selfish and recognise that your daughter is a human being, not a toy that everyone should get an equal turn with.

Whether they get to be grandparents again is completely irrelevant to your daughter's relationship with her other grandparents.

This sums it up perfectly to be fair!

Your parents are batshit but if you wanted a “solution” I’d suggest that your ex in laws carry on giving the money, your in laws give money and you put your £5 a week into a longer term savings or ISA for your daughter.

Sorry I wrote in laws twice. Ex in laws carry on paying, parents start paying and you put your£5 in savings.

You should tell your parents that DD will only favour her other grandparents because they aren’t jealous, competitive and controlling. Quite simply their salty attitude is ruining their relationships. It’s obvious to DD already and will be more obvious the longer the allow it to continue.

You DPs have not right to tell DD's other GPs what to do with their money or what to give their DGD. It's NOTB. Tell your DPs to back off, you are not interfering with DD's relationship with her other grandparents, who are not stopping your DPs giving your DD pocket money if they wish.

Your parents sound nuts. No way would I do this! The other grandparents have a right to a relationship with the children too.