To not tell Ex-PIL to stop giving DD money?

[GrandparentsPocketMoney]

My parents have told me I have to tell Ex-PIL to stop giving DD (aged 10 almost 11) pocket money each week because they already feel sidelined and now they know Ex-PIL give her money as well they can’t and DD will always now choose Ex-PILs over them.

ExH lives with his parents, so DD spends 40% of her time with them (5 nights a fortnight). They give all their grandchildren (ExHs siblings have DC) half their age as pocket money or if they’re under 7 as sweets or magazines. So DD gets £5 a week off them (going up to £5.50 when she turns 11) they give this to DD in cash and she then brings it home she insists my house is home and ExHs/Ex-PILs house is dads/grandparents but that's a whole other thread and I put it onto her debit card (she has an account similar to GoHenry included with my bank account). I also top this money up by £5 a week so she gets £10 a week total.

My parents think I should ask Ex-PILs to not give DD money and let them give it instead. They feel she gets too much pocket money already so can’t give her more on top. I’ve offered to cut mine so they can give it instead but they still think Ex-PIL need to “back off” as they have other GC and they don’t (my siblings don’t want DC and I don’t want anymore) so they have other opportunities to be Grandparents whereas they don’t. They also think Ex-PILs already have a better deal with being grandparents than them (my parents) because they live in DDs other home so she’s more likely to choose them over my parents because they think she has a better relationship with them.

I told them to tell Ex-PILs themselves but apparently it’ll sound better coming from me as they have only met them a couple of times.

For added context DD doesn’t spend more than £4 a week unless she really wants something which annoys my parents even more because they think if that’s the case then I can save what I give her for her future and Ex-PILs can just use their money on their other GC. I personally don’t think we can tell Ex-PILs how/when to spend their own money – ExH pays me CM so that’s as far as my relationship with him/his family and money goes. I also already save for her future but this is just her money for now to do as she wishes. Last time I checked her account she had over £100 sitting there (she sometimes asks me to take the money off and save it in my bank and send it back to her when she wants it which I do she normally only ever asks for a few £)

AIBU to not to speak as Ex-PILs to stop giving DD money?

Yes! They've always been like this. When I split with ExH we ended up in court over residency/custody and my parents thought I should off him 1 over night a month only, my solicitor stated it'd be at least 2 overnights a fortnight maybe 3 until she was 7 or 8 then it'd be as close to 50/50 as possible, which is what has happened.

Other than trying to dictate what their GD receives from her other GP's, what do your parents actually do with your DD? How much effort do they put in? Do they come and visit you, or do you always have to go to them? Do you feel that your DD likes them as much as other GP's, and if not, why not?

Most likely.

Ex-PILs are quite wealthy (own several properties, brand new cars every year type wealthy) and when I married now ExH they asked how much they were giving us each month (nothing was the answer, because they didn't!)

This is weird!

Nip it in the bud.

Set some boundaries and tell your parents to BTFO!

I always go to parents but that's my choice, they'd come to me if I let them!

We've done days out before, holidays as well, usually they come to DDs hobby events (but Ex-PILs also come which annoys my parents!)

DD likes them but she finds them a bit intense and competitive.

Your parents sound jealous and I would tell them it’s none of their business.

Tell your parents to mind their own business. Your ex can allow his parents to do what they want when she is with him (as long as its not illegal!) What does it matter if they can't afford to do the same? Your DD won't chose them over yours if your parents show her genuine love (whatever choosing them means!!)

Your parents are controlling and insecure.

My Mum puts £20/month into child trust fund & gives kids pocket money & holiday money. In laws aren’t anywhere near as generous. It’s up to PIL.

Just don’t tell them. Could you put into Child Trust Fund or Premium Bonds? I honestly think they can’t win.

Your parents are ridiculous. Be really careful with them. How can they even think like this? Its not their business anyway and they need to keep their opinion on this matter to themselves. Jealous much.

Don't even get me started on the holiday money Ex-PIL give her! ExH never takes her away on holiday so they give her money when she goes away with me, often £100-200 for a week and double or triple for a fortnight.

My parents hate it, and think it's unnecessary! I mean I do give DD less spending money due to this money but if they didn't give it I'd still give her money so she;s having it either way. But apparently Ex-PIL are spoiling her and they can't!

Respectfully your parents are overstepping. They sound quite resentful.

Your parents are being insane.

I would tell them to back off and not tell the other set of grandparents themselves as you have suggested! Presumably your ex in laws are quite hands on as they live with your ex so I wouldn’t be wanting to rock the boat with this insanity if you have a good relationship.

Your parents are very unreasonable.

Dd may end up closer to the other parents because she spends more time with them but if they think that the pocket money will sway dd then they can’t think much of her character.

I wouldn’t say anything. It’s up to ex MIL how she spends her money and she’s kindly spent some on dd. Half her age is a good amount.

It’s £5 per week 😳 I’d honestly be looking at your parents sideways that they have even suggested this! They want your child’s other grandparents to stop giving money because they are jealous, absolutely sickening tbh if it was my parents I’d probably go low contact for that alone as in my eyes why are they suggesting doing something that would negatively affect your daughter? Bizarre

Do they seriously want dd to lose out on a little pot of savings for her future because of their unedifying jealousy?

They put their feelings over what is best for her (of course a bit more cash will be helpful to her) but demand that she favours them? They are thoroughly unpleasant.

You need to grow a backbone and tell them back off things that aren't their business.

Why do you even bother letting them bring it up
Just shut it down

This is absolutely ridiculous: it's none of your parents' business!

@GrandparentsPocketMoney

Your parents are envious, sadly.

Money given, does not equate to the development of a closer emotional bond, does it?

If they don't want to compete on pocket money they should put it away. Imagine how grateful she'd be if she wanted driving lessons or something and they paid for them.

Why on earth did you tell your parents to tell PIL themselves.
You need to shut this shit down.
You're the parent!

This is absolutely nothing to do with your parents. I would stop telling them about anything that doesn't concern them. The best thing they can do is give your daughter lots of attention when you visit them. Alternatively tell them directly that your daughter's relationship with her father and his family isn't their business and the details aren't really your business unless something is upsetting your daughter or affecting her negatively.

Your parents are totally out of order expecting your ex-PIL to treat your DD differently to the rest of their grandchildren to suit your parents.

That's just batshit.

Might be an idea to start limiting how much you tell them. They don't need to know exact amounts.

Tell your parents that it is isn’t their business, kindly of course but I would encourage dd to save half her money in a junior isa for when she’s older

They sound really generous & surely if they are doing the same for all the kids it’s fair.

My kids don’t think less of my in-laws because they give less financially.

Just put in Premium Bonds until she needs it. It sounds like they want to help her out.