To not tell Ex-PIL to stop giving DD money?

[GrandparentsPocketMoney]

My parents have told me I have to tell Ex-PIL to stop giving DD (aged 10 almost 11) pocket money each week because they already feel sidelined and now they know Ex-PIL give her money as well they can’t and DD will always now choose Ex-PILs over them.

ExH lives with his parents, so DD spends 40% of her time with them (5 nights a fortnight). They give all their grandchildren (ExHs siblings have DC) half their age as pocket money or if they’re under 7 as sweets or magazines. So DD gets £5 a week off them (going up to £5.50 when she turns 11) they give this to DD in cash and she then brings it home she insists my house is home and ExHs/Ex-PILs house is dads/grandparents but that's a whole other thread and I put it onto her debit card (she has an account similar to GoHenry included with my bank account). I also top this money up by £5 a week so she gets £10 a week total.

My parents think I should ask Ex-PILs to not give DD money and let them give it instead. They feel she gets too much pocket money already so can’t give her more on top. I’ve offered to cut mine so they can give it instead but they still think Ex-PIL need to “back off” as they have other GC and they don’t (my siblings don’t want DC and I don’t want anymore) so they have other opportunities to be Grandparents whereas they don’t. They also think Ex-PILs already have a better deal with being grandparents than them (my parents) because they live in DDs other home so she’s more likely to choose them over my parents because they think she has a better relationship with them.

I told them to tell Ex-PILs themselves but apparently it’ll sound better coming from me as they have only met them a couple of times.

For added context DD doesn’t spend more than £4 a week unless she really wants something which annoys my parents even more because they think if that’s the case then I can save what I give her for her future and Ex-PILs can just use their money on their other GC. I personally don’t think we can tell Ex-PILs how/when to spend their own money – ExH pays me CM so that’s as far as my relationship with him/his family and money goes. I also already save for her future but this is just her money for now to do as she wishes. Last time I checked her account she had over £100 sitting there (she sometimes asks me to take the money off and save it in my bank and send it back to her when she wants it which I do she normally only ever asks for a few £)

AIBU to not to speak as Ex-PILs to stop giving DD money?

I was thinking it was silly from the start when I was assuming that the PILs were the parents of her step father. But they're her biological grandparents? Sorry but your parents are being bizarre. If your daughter is getting too much money, get a bank account open and put some in there every so often. You could even ask PILs to standing order into the account if they give her a regular amount.

The fact your parents want your daughter to have less money is seriously odd.

My parents are more... I don't know, well off? Than my in laws. My parents can afford much more expensive gifts and my dad gives my DD and DS a £20 note almost everytime he sees them which is often. Do my kids care? Nope, both my parents and in laws all 4 are AMAZING grandparents and play with my kids and enjoy their time with them. I'm not sure how it will go when they're older but for now my kids hand me the money to save for them to buy things later and want to see/love all grandparents equally!!!!!

I give my DGS's money but they love me because when we play football I act as the mid field and let them take the goal scoring opportunities. I play chess with eldest dgs and naughts and crosses with youngest. I very often send my DD money to get them new coats or shoes and invert much doubt if that would impress them. They are Lucky they have 4 sets of dgp's and 1 set of great parents. There is no competition between dgp's although I am thrilled DD, sil and DGS's are coming on holiday with me and DH this half term. Your parents are being ridiculous and I'd knock it on the head immediately. Her other dgp's treat her equally with their other DGC, which is as it should be.

Whilst I don’t think that your parents giving less will affect their relationship with DD, I can’t understand what they want from this.

Initially I thought that they wanted to do pocket money without it being too much, but you’ve offered that they give instead of you and they have said no.

Surely they can’t want PIL to stop giving her money which she has got used to, and which has been given to all grandchildren? That would ruin her relationship with your parents as soon as she asked PIL why she wasn’t getting pocket money any more!

I think your parents are bonkers. Maybe a savings account would be better in the long term? You can’t really buy a child’s affection with a fiver a week you need to put in effort and time doing stuff thst they will enjoy / remember. Facilitate a hobby, my 10 yo love going to see a show, plant raspberries or strawberries with them.

A favourite memory of mine is visiting a family member who would put us to work and let us eat berries off the bushes and peas from the pod.

Your parents need to get a grip. Your daughters relationship with her grandparents isn't any of their business. They can't dictate what the ExPIL give her. Why should your daughter get less pocket money because it makes them insecure. Honesty, they need to sort their shit out. They need to build a relationship with their grandchild because that's what will be remembered.

Your parents sound unhinged. What your ex PIL give your daughter as pocket money is absolutely none of your parents' business.

I think I would tell your parents that if your DD does end up favouring her other grandparents it will be nothing to do with her living arrangements and everything to do with their own batshit behaviour.

Even if you don't actually say to your ten year old, "By the way, Nanny and Grandad have asked me to ask Gran and Grandpa to stop giving you pocket money because they think you get too much" (which really would give her a reason to dislike your parents), it sounds pretty likely that they are saying and doing other nasty shit that your daughter has picked up on. They sound weird and mean.

Your parents are being ridiculous. The more family members that love and like to treat your dd the better, surely?

I’d just say you won’t be telling PILs anything and to stop mentioning it and that’s your final word. Madness!

I would tell your parents to mind their own business. Your daughter has two sets of grandparents end of discussion

if your parents want to give her money then they can without you or your ex’s parents stopping

I've never given my DGD pocket money. Or any actual cash. I have no idea whether her other GPs do.

But we have lovely times together, regular sleepovers, and we cook and do crafts together, or go for walks and chat. I love her dearly, and she loves coming to my house. You don't buy DGCs affection with money (though I can see that teens might be glad if it when they get to old for sleepovers and simple shared activities)

You can only tell your parents no, and offer them ways to bond with DD & shut it down. Otherwise it'll drive you mad.

My DM has always had the grandparent jealousy. First with DB's DC, then mine. She did ridiculous things to impress them & be their favourite.

I don't know why it's a thing as DM never gave a rip about us growing up & pretty much ignored us. I just don't engage.

A good relationship doesn’t evolve from how much money you can give.
Tell them to do all the things that money can’t buy and build a good relationship from that.

Your parents are being ridiculous and run the risk of your daughter becoming much closer to her other grandparents not because of pocket money but because of their own sniping, mealy mouth behaviour. It is not even just their dictating how much the PIL give but deciding them matching it would mean she gets too much and not accepting you giving less . Considering, you said they are wealthy the amount they give is great - they are not throwing money at her meaninglessly but giving a reasonable amount she can use/ save as she likes.
The holiday money is not just for your daughter but also an acknowledgement that you are doing something their son isn't.
Your daughter is lucky she has 4 living grandparents and lots of people to love and care for her - your parents being jealous of two of them is just petty.

Wow, your mum needs to stop with the jealousy, it is petty and nasty and ultimately it will only backfire on her.

👏👏

It doesn’t work like that anyway. My PIL had more money than my parents so always gave larger cash sums etc to my kids.. but guess who they’re closer to as adults? My parents, who are interested in their lives and want to be part of them.

Obviously your daughter needs to get the grandparents into a bidding war. 😉

This!^^

Your parents are green with envy and are only thinking of themselves. They have such an awful attitude. I can’t believe what they are even thinking. They wouldn’t have the nerve to tell the in-laws themselves because they know how ridiculous they are.

From your last response to my questions OP, it sounds like they should be concentrating on spending more quality time with their GD, rather than criticising what her other GP's do for her. Is there a reason why they only see her alone for 'an hour or two a few times a year, as it doesn't sound like they put in a lot of effort to see her, and they're certainly wouldn't be scoring any brownie points with her, if you were to listen to them, and put a stop to her other GP's giving her pocket money? Quite frankly, the fact that they don't like seeing their own DD without her child, says an awful lot about them, would you say you have a close relationship with them OP?

You say: Mum, dad. Pull your heads in. Of bloody course I’m not going to say that to them, and anyone who loves my children should be glad they have 2 sets of grandparents who care about them. I cannot deal with your endless jealousy, I’m just going to hang up now.’

Me too

So the poor child can’t even speak about them without your jealous parents getting huffy. You need to shut this down and be the parent! It’s none of their business. I have a member of my family who gets huffy as my MIL spends more than my family can afford and I tell them that my children are grateful for anything they get and it’s about time and energy spent, not money!

Your parents are insane. They want your daughter to be treated differently by her grandparents than her cousins and to miss out on things she could have. They sound very selfish.

My paternal grandparents gave me money.
My maternal grandparents gave me love.

I chose the love.

Plus my rich grandmother was mean - which probably had a negative effect on my wanting to be in her company lol