DH threw a tantrum and so I'm taking a pause

[SaraG3018]

Hi all... first time posting on here but no idea what to do.

DD #1 is almost 6 and DD #2 is 6 months. DH has been really stepping up with DD1, kind of taking a kid each, since I had my second DD. At the same time he's had a tricky period and work and I can see he's more stressed.

However, it's been taking its toll on his patience. I often found him growling or yelling at DD1... it felt like though he'd never fully yell at her it was always raised voices and irrelevant threats and punishments. Just the opposite of all gentle parenting guidelines. I've tried to sort this with creating written house rules we both agreed on to help DD1's behaviour, thereby removing the need for arguments or silly uses of no screen time etc. It's kind of working, e.g. you won't pick up your toys ok we'll take this one away. Point to this is just flagging he's been emotional lately and I've been a bit concerned about the effect on DD1.

ANYWAY last night my sister, who just had a baby, asked us both on our WhatsApp group who took which nights with DD2. I laughed and told her I always do all nights, to which she jokingly said wow that's not fair. DH responded with a full tantrum. Excerpts from the tantrum include him saying 'what is maternity leave for, doing f all, am I to give birth then sit around doing f all while he looks after DD1 goes to work does chores and now is expected to also look after DD2 at night, did our mother not teach us anything, why don't I just f'ing marry my sister's husband if he's so perfect'... he stomped about literally kicking toys across the room. Speaking in this way isn't normal for him but in the early days of marriage ten years ago I did have to calm these sorts of outbursts during arguments. I thought he had mellowed out.

I didn't say a word on response to ask this but have quietly booked myself and the girls a hotel for a couple nights. He's going to come home tomorrow to an empty nest.

SO my question. I feel like i can't stand for this type of emotional un-regulation.. but for the kids' sake... should I? AIBU? Despite tonight and the bad moods with DD1 overall he's a very thoughtful and loving father to them. Am I overreacting?

As is so often the case here, there are a bunch of sepearate things going on and they all impact each other, but they're not actually the same.

1 your DH is clearly feeling quite stressed and overwhelmed.
2 Your dh has a somewhat different attitude to parenting to you in respect of discipline and consequences
3 Your sister seems to think it's okay to judge your family dynamic and do so publicly
4 your DH has an emotional regulation problem that is, inevitably, more of a problem currently because he is stressed out
5 Your DH IS stepping up to support you and the DC BUT, there is an inequality in the case of sleep and rest and you are feeling resentful even while acknowledging he is absolutely doing his bit.

The one that's a deal breaker for me is 4. And I have big problems with 5, but I think with better communication and by sorting out 1 and 2, that one could be managed a bit better perhaps by shifting some of the responsibilities and tasks.

He needs to manage 4. Managing 1, 2 and 3 will help with 4. But I would suggest that he seeks professional help to manage his emotions and feelings. I speak as someone whose DH had a similar issue and who had to do the work, and go through the counselling, to improve because he 100% accepted it wasn't okay and that it was HIS issue and that while ensuring our lives were set up aprpopriately helped, his behaviour was OTT, frightening and completely wrong

But it is OK for the OP to take the piss of what she agrees is more than doing his fair share with his daughter, chores, working etc. She and her sister pretty much told him he was not pulling his weight, whereas he is clearly very close to the edge. If OP disappears to a hotel with the kids without saying anything, I am damn sure that I would be advising him to start "putting his ducks in a row" as I for sure could not stand being with someone like this.

I think he had a point about maternity leave but I guess he's stressed & seeing you & your sister speaking sent him over the edge if you have a generally good relationship I would stick at it & be more assertive with your sister about not making comments/jokes/comparisons if your set up works for you

The biggest issue here is the negative parenting of DD1, imo. That child needs to be loved, cherished and supported big-time to come to terms with the new family order, and instead the quality of parenting she's receiving has substantially declined.

yes but you should tell him. Just because his communication has been rubbish doesn’t mean yours should be too.

I think this aspect of it has been underplayed in this thread, actually.

If the DD is getting a watered down, barely controlled version of his frustrations simmering between the surface in his parenting of her, then that's at least borderline abusive parenting and actually the OP does have to step in to parent both children until things improve.

"Gentle parenting" only works for people who are naturally gentle people. I know some people who are genuinely like this, wonderful kind, calm people with endless patience. Lovely parents, with lovely families.

If you'd expected me to do "gentle parenting" I would probably have had a breakdown. If a toddler is driving me up the wall, I'm going to have to release steam in some way. My own mother did this.

Side note: Gentle parenting may be the root cause of all the MN-ers "shaking and crying" when they are reprimanded in public for prattish behaviour...

I think the man is having a much-needed blow up, we all do when the pressure builds up to steaming point.

OP, would you both consider parenting classes? He shouldn't be throwing tantrums, growling at her, kicking her toys across the room. And you shouldn't be using consequences that are actually punishments.

('' e.g. you won't pick up your toys ok we'll take this one away.'') This is not gentle parenting.

What was he complaining about if he had two weeks to himself? Lazy git. You should have been complaining he wasn't helping.

I haven’t read the whole thread but have read the OP and the update. It looks like you’ve reflected quite a bit. The whole situation screams of two people that don’t feel appreciated by the other, and both find themselves at their wits end.

To you it was a joke from your sister, but then in your update it seems like it wasn’t a joke as they’ve seen you become stretched. I imagine when she said that you felt a pang of vindication and this made your DH lose it, as he also feels that he’s doing a lot and felt criticised.

It also seems that you aren’t on the same page about how you want to parent. You have rules and ideas that perhaps he doesn’t agree with. Gentle parenting is a bit of a fad and certainly isn’t for everyone.

The final thing that sticks out to me is your access to free time. You both feel stretched yet he has more access to free time for naps & lie ins. I imagine this is because he has taken responsibility for the older child. If we works 5 days a week, there are two “spare” days and if possible, both of you should be able to get a lie in!

I'm surprised by the replies here.

He's nasty to your DD daily.

He does nothing between 4 and 9.

He does nothing overnight - ever.

He kicks his children's toys around when he doesn't get his own way.

Are you kidding ??? He was abusive . This is threatening behaviour to the op and her kids .
She is putting clear boundaries .
He had obviously been on his best behaviour now op had two kids he’s being the real him again .
Op should put her kids first by leaving not by staying.

Exactly! He is an abusive twat.

I wouldn't be putting up with his behaviour. Swearing, kicking toys across the room etc all over a text message?

I'd text him to tell him that you're in a hotel and are seriously reconsidering the marriage due to his temper. There is absolutely no excuse for it.

Whatever the rights and wrongs bringing a third party opinion into a relationship is more often going to end in tears.

Nobody reacts well in this situation irrespective of what other issues are going on

I agree. If someone posted on here about their BIL making a joke about how they don’t pull their weight, there would be outraged questions about why the poster’s DH didn’t defend them, and how it’s none of the BIL’s business.

Having read your update sounds like you are doing an awful lot. And now are trying to fix this. I hope he is putting in as much time and effort to improving things as you are.

Do you get any breaks yourself? Sounds like he gets time to nap and lie in at weekends,plus the break of work. Do you get any opportunities to recharge?

@SaraG3018 this us your life and you know best . Honestky I think you should tell him you are going to leave if he doesn’t get help for abusing your family . You are carrying the load and he know lay this fine well and was angry that someone called him out on it.
This is one reason abusers isolate so nobody can make the abused see sense.

Time for change op . Sounds like things would be better if you were alone .

When I was on mat leave, I took it for granted I would do the night feeds. It didn’t seem fair when my dh was commuting every day and working full time to keep us for him to get up in the night as well. Even if you’re not happy doing them all, it’s totally stupid to not say anything but ‘quietly’ book yourself a hotel room so your dh comes home to an empty house. That’s a batshit red flag.

My husband is/was a bit like that - mellowed with age, but still. I really, really regret being too understanding of his stress and not putting firmer boundaries of acceptable behaviour in place.

I think the OP is doing the right thing, provided they have a proper conversation about it, once everyone is calm.

You come across incredibly passive aggressive and manipulative. Why not just have a conversation with your husband who you presumably love and who loves you?

So even when he's on holiday he gets uninterrupted nights? I think that's very unfair. When is your holiday?

This.

A one off meltdown where he’s obviously had pent up stress and finally exploded doesn’t make him an abusive husband but rather someone who is fed up and at the end of their tether.

Doesn’t make it right, but it doesn’t make him the bad guy either, and leaving and taking your children to a hotel to punish him is just cruel and makes you even worse.

You are both stressed. You have a baby and a child. That’s bloody hard work. You need to communicate and find ways to get rest.

And you really need to stop belittling your husband to your sister and “joking” that he did no work with a newborn. That’s not a joke - that’s just mean.

@TooGoodToGoto thank you! (and others that pointed out the 180 the OP did between her posts).

@Dontletthebedbugsbite2 my standards are definitely not in the gutter. My DH does 70% of the household chores and about 20% of the children despite commuting (we both work ft, but me from home). It's just that in this particular thread I think the OP comes across badly. 1. the nonsense with the sister via whatsapp. 2. the hotel!!! this is bananas, such an overreaction, and cruel to the father. 3. the complete re-write of history. The DH sounds like he needs not to snap/shout, but who knows given the inconsistency of the story. Sounds like he spends lots of quality time with the older child too. Gentle parenting is fast falling out of fashion as far as I can see, so I'm inclined to think some of his strategies might be more viable anyway.