Daughter doesn’t partner & vice versa

[Mumof3babygirls]

So as the title says my daughter and partner don’t get on. Daughters 25, I’ve been with partner 10 years, they have times when it’s ok but mostly they don’t get along. I’m pulled both ways by them both. DD is hard work, has been since being little. I have been fighting to get her tested to see if she’s on the spectrum. She’s a great girl who I love with my whole like but is hard to live with. Partner isn’t very patient or sympathetic of anyone
I work away 3 days a week so can’t always be at home and most weeks DD will text me moaning abt my partner
I’ve spoken to them both so many times
I feel my only choice is to end relationship with my partner but I love him and after my daughters dad left due to multiple affair it took me many years to love someone again
please help me as I just can’t think straight x

So your dd’s dad left, then her step father left when she was 13 and her new step father moved in when she was 15?
Not sure I have fully understood but that’s a lot of disruption at a vulnerable age.

Was their relationship better before she left home or has there always been cracks?

Even in my 40’s I would still revert to being a little childish when visiting my (very tricky) Mum at my childhood home, it’s hard not to even when I recognise what’s happening.

It sounds like things would be more manageable if you didn’t work away for three days a week at the moment.
Or could your eldest look for a job that comes with accommodation?
Are your younger daughters likely to move out soon so everyone has more space?

Thankyou. I’ll go home tmrw and talk with him then we can talk with her x

This is the right question

No their dad left then I got with my now partner. Their was a couple inbetween but the girls never met them

I have looked at changing jobs but I earn well and by working away 3 days a week I am home for 4

my middle daughter is just about to start her 3rd yr in uni so will be moving out in a few months

@Mumof3babygirls part of your job as a parent is to make your DC into responsible adults, people who can live and manage their own lives. If you weren't about what would happen to your eldest, you've felt so guilty you've not prepared her for adulthood and you're still not doing it now.
You've felt guilty for far too long Op, time for a new start

This....sounds like she needs to get a job and place of her own, just because she messed up once doesn't mean you let her live under your roof indefinitely. In a nice way start showing her flats and even on social welfare it's possible to get somewhere. If you don't hard up and start giving her a push to work and to get her own place then she never will.

Stop mollycoddling your adult child. What can she afford? If a room in a house share is viable then she should absolutely be asked to do it (& may teach her a little more about respect & boundaries). You need to explain to her that, as an adult, she is expected to behave appropriately - she is 25 fgs!!!! Not 5, not even 15 but 25. Your poor partner.

I’d not be surprised if your partner left you over this. You’ve handled it really poorly. What a shame.

Next time she messages, your response is have you done any housework today? Everyone else has. I’ve told you there are no more complaining rights for adults who haven’t done their share of the housework.

So they message or just she does? Becuase that has to stop. Clearly agree on rules and boundaries and then anything else they deal with

Let me recap this, hope I got it right ?
OP with 3 DDs meets childless DP.
He moves in, contributing 50% to mortgage, co-parents DD's that are not his, works full time and guess is around similar age ( 50 ).
Sounds like a decent DP.
Then, when most of us deserve/need to wind down a bit agewise, still works and can't relax at home as adult !!! step DD with poss ND needs to be parented whilst ACTUAL parent works AWAY 3 out of 7 days therefore leaving big chunk of parenting another adult in person to DP.
Maybe being present in person iso working away will take pressure off, I feel
for your DP, can't get away from it.
I know he knew what he signed up for but who expects in their 50's to have adult step kids who managed ( unsucessfully ) to move out for 2 years before needing full time parenting again at home.
What a mess.

I have looked at spareroom.com, myspareroom.com and several others when l was helping a friend find lodgings. Lots of professional landlords with multiple house shares as well as those renting out a spare room. The majority of the advertisers required a months’ rent upfront, a deposit and a guarantor. Many also wanted character references.

Many don’t put those requirements on the adverts. As soon as you message to enquire further they reply asking for them as standard before they’ll even consider showing you the room. If you can’t provide what they want they turn you down straight away. And don’t even get me started on those who wanted either payslips or bank statements as proof of earnings. My friend is self employed and a few landlords were even asking to see tax records. So no, not scaremongering, actual experience. Demand is outstripping supply so landlords are imposing stricter eligibility conditions simply because they can.

Why ?? Why do you always take her side ? So what if she's your DD ? She'll never learn to fend for herself if you always let her think she's in the right . It will just make her worse .

As for her financial matters , WHY do you do them every month ?? SHOW her how to do them herself fgs.

You think you're helping her but your treatment of her is showing that you're not . Please get a grip .

Of course she'd be happier, because it sounds like the only person in the house who's telling her to behave like the 25 year old ADULT that she is, would be gone.

I mean, she'd be happier until the point you need to sell your house to buy out your partners stake in it, then she'd probably not be as happy, having to probably downsize with 3 other people in the household.

I'm surprised the partner is still here, I dunno how long I would last in similar circumstances.

She would be happier as I’m not as strict as him

And that, right there, is the crux of the matter. You’re the soft touch and she sees your partner as the one standing in the way of her getting whatever she wants. Your DD is manipulative, hence the disharmony she’s causing in the household. The good thing is that armed with that information you are equipped to challenge it and lay the ground rules that now apply to your continued support of her.

But you and your partner need to provide a solid united front because if there are any chinks in your armour she will exploit them to the maximum. Forewarned is forearmed.

The boyfriend has been having conflict for a decade since the child was 15. He should never have moved in to a house with three unrelated little girls. He should have realised that was not in their best interests, and just dated the OP without involving her children.

The bloke my mother moved in to my home had 'conflict' with me- a child. I don't have a relationship with her now, as an adult.

Your partner sounds like a very decent man to have helped you keep your home for your 3DC. I bet he has the patience of a saint in fact.

You sound like a lovely mum OP, but, having recognised the challenges your DD faced as an adult, you have probably over compensated and so she finds it easier to fit into the teen mode you have allowed her to stay in which is more than comfortable for her. Maybe she is even a little smug about her favoured position?
But still, she repeatedly tests your loyalty to her (rather than to him). She does that for reassurance from you and that reassurance gives her permission to be chippy with him, mumbling under her breath to wind him up etc.
It’s a game that has become a habit and it has now become risky but she hasn’t recognised that fact. You need to point out how the house of cards could come tumbling down if she can’t put herself out to get on with this man without whom you would have to sell her childhood home which in turn means that as an adult, she would be out on her own again.

If she can’t behave like a considerate adult in the home, then she is deliberately jeopardising your happiness, and her own financial and home security.
I’m sure she is capable of raising her game quite a bit more if you get a bit tougher with her. It’s in her best interests after all.

For example, if she wants to live in a nice clean home, all of which she has a right to access and use, then she has to do her FAIR share of communal cleaning, gardening, maintenance, shopping, meal prep etc rather than utilising her right to chill all day on her days off.
No other adult in the household can do that, why should she? Your partner is right.

Don’t let her remain in that child mode any longer OP. Raise your expectations of her behaviour and of her contribution to the household. And make sure she understands the risks she is taking by not doing so. She is no longer a child, and she isn’t a guest in the home being hosted by you. She has responsibilities the same as you and your partner. And she is lucky that you allow her to be living at home.

Let’s hope that when your partner sees a different attitude from her, he will have a little more respect for her efforts.

She might be happier short term as you'd let her have her own way and do everything for her, but long term she definitely wouldn't benefit from being treated like a spoilt child. Also you wouldn't be happier and your happiness is also important, as well as your other children, who it sounds like get on well with your partner.

At 25 I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter and owned my own house. I know I’m enabling her behaviour

OP, she sounds spoiled, entitled and selfish.
She is manipulative and knows well how to pull your strings.
She has lived out of home, messed up by being used, and is now wanting to dictate your life.
Really really selfish.

You are doing her no favours. She will not grow if she's babied. She will not mature if your relationship breaks up.
She will just hunker down on being a more selfish adult that expects everything to go her own way.

How dare she think that she somehow doesn't have to share the load.
Appalling selfishness.

YOU are at fault here and you really need to own it with actions not words.

YOU did not have affairs.
YOU did leave your children and not bother.
YOU have not decided to abandon your children.
YOU are the parent that has been there for them.
Stop with the useless guilt that is NOT yours.

Take responsibility for your shit, not that of their father.
That is all on HIM, not you.

We cannot be dictated to by guilt for the choices of others.

She needs one decent parent and you are it.
Stop allowing her to be a selfish manipulative lazy madam.

Take her aside and give her a real zero tolerance chat.
Tell her YOU are sick of her manipulative selfish lazy bullshit. That she either starts to sort herself out or she needs to find a room somewhere.

Do not sell your house so that she becomes even more controlling of your life.

I actually think that she is very very controlling and you need to watch this very carefully.
Do you want to be her carer for life because she has regressed?

As for your other daughters?
They are telling you that you are in the wrong but you continue to favour her?

You need to really look at things from their point of view, .......how you and her and this toxic control she has of you,...... because of YOUR guilt, could upend THEIR lives.

There needs to be a complete reset where you tell her you are sick of her and her bullshit.
She either cops on or she leaves.
You won't be leaving, she will.

You need to find your anger.
Your other daughters will rightly feel huge anger towards you for your failings to protect them from their sisters selfishness.

I would think you need to be a lot less pleasant and available to your eldest.
She badly needs consequences and to see that you are fed up, pissed off, and have had enough of her bullshit.

Keep saying get a room elsewhere if this house is not to your satisfaction.
Tell her that SHE messed up and you have offered her a space to live.
Her thanks is to sour it.
Enough is enough.

Shape up or move out is what she needs to be told.
25 and thinking she rules the house?
If it was a son I would tell you that you were in an abusive relationship.
Think about that.
Because it applies here.
She doesn't get to control your life, home and that of her sisters.

Go back to your partner and tell him that YOU take responsibility for being manipulated by her and that she has been told to shape up or ship out.

Normally I would say this is a man issue but you need to see that your daughters have told you that you are unfair.

YOU need to change.
She WILL respond to you changing.
Self interest will make her respond to your change of attitude towards her.

Don't be manipulated by tears from her.
She needs to see you hard, fed up, and done with her bullshit.

All families bicker.
Families become toxic when one person is allowed to dictate too much.

I know this because I have lived it with a 24 year old.

She needs firmly putting in her place and told you work with the family or you leave.
That simple.
"No one member of this family gets to dictate its happiness. You aren't happy with the rules etc.,? Move our and live how you want elsewhere, but you will not behave like this any longer in MY home".

She thinks she is your boss.
Big mistake.

Hope the above gives you food for thought.
You are not alone.
This is a common situation with adult children and unless you handle it firmly, it will only get worse.

Oh and one last thing. If you move out and rent with your daughters, she will only get a lot worse, will do nothing and have proof that it IS her that is top dog in your life.

Screw that.

Then stop!
X

Thankyou. That makes a lot of sense.

I think I’ve just let things get on too of me. I lost my mum a year ago and feel like I’d do anything for a bit of peace now but I know I need to take control. Thankyou so much

Those 3 girls would have lost the house they lived in if it wasn't for the OP's partner moving in after 2 years of dating.

And seriously, read at least the OP's post if you aren't going to read the whole thread. There has not been conflict for a decade. Its only happened in the last couple of years. And the eldest daughter still turns to the partner when she needs help with things.

You are clearly projecting your own history onto this.

They've only lived together for 8 years, and she said the conflict was recent.

That’s not relevant for a lodger necessarily.

Loads of people have debt and manage to rent and get mortgages. I had several tenants with CCJ’s who I had a chat with and went with and were fine.