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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be genuinely tearful about this situation 🥹

226 replies

Theordinaryfam · 12/05/2025 19:29

This will be very outing but I honestly feel so heartbroken and I am sure I am probably over reacting.
DD is year 6 of primary school, she has not had it easy and ill health has meant she has had a unique education journey so far.
she is an able, sweet and kind girl who causes very little trouble for anyone.
she has an IV central line called a Hickman line which she has had since neonates. She although has been through a lot tries her best at everything she does and is capable of most things when well.
the only thing that is fairly restrictive is water based activities due to high risk is sepsis - something we know all too well can put her life at risk. We have to take care in physical activities but that is usually easily adapted and she participates to her level of ability.
the school are aware of the issues surrounding this due to a few times now it being a barrier.
year 6 SATS are this week and between some medical appointments she is sitting them like everyone else.
she was excited about Friday because she anticipated something fun was going to happen with her class due to SATS ending Thursday and she was right.
The school however did do any risk assessments before booking a trip to a riverside water activity centre where they will be kayaking etc in the in the River Thames. She is the only child again that won’t be able to attend ( she can not participate in residential which for many reasons I accept and agree )
I could of maybe swang it with the hospital which again was something the school has had previous experience with regarding daughter to allow her with a specific swim gear that we could lend from a charity but they have given me 4 days notice.
tonight I have had to sit and tell DD that she will most likely not be able to participate in the Friday after her working so hard.
she is so upset and I am so angry but I know probably like I will be told in here she is one child 🥹🥹

OP posts:
76s · 12/05/2025 21:47

I’m really pissed off about this, it is discrimination at its best! School should not have done this but cannot really go back on this now as it will cause uproar with a lot (but not all parents). I’m gutted for you and your daughter.
let school know but then take her out and have the best day. Maybe Thursday night away into Friday so she gets away from it all. X ex teacher here btw

aredcar · 12/05/2025 21:49

I would take this further. I’d be fuming. I’d be asking for a meeting and asking why they have chosen a reward trip that is inaccessible to just one child. I would demand that they consider a way that dd can be rewarded alongside her peers and that they rectify the situation they’ve created immediately. This is awful behaviour. Very discriminatory. Your poor dd

aredcar · 12/05/2025 21:51

Reminds me of when my friends daughters school chose to have the cinema as their end of year reward trip. All well and good but her daughter is registered blind. And the showing they had chosen didn’t have audio description. She kicked off massively and they changed the trip

Hulabalu · 12/05/2025 21:54

It’s kind of discriminatory of the school to do this. being excluded like this can make a child ( or adult ) feel distressed . I’d ask school to postpone or find alternate activity so your disabled child isn’t excluded

Theordinaryfam · 12/05/2025 21:55

Hulabalu · 12/05/2025 21:54

It’s kind of discriminatory of the school to do this. being excluded like this can make a child ( or adult ) feel distressed . I’d ask school to postpone or find alternate activity so your disabled child isn’t excluded

The issue with this is the class is not a friendly bunch of parents so no one is going to agree with this.

OP posts:
ThatsNotMyTeen · 12/05/2025 21:55

That’s rotten - I’m sorry OP XX

Itsnotmyjobtoeducatestupid · 12/05/2025 21:57

Oh I was so sad to read this. My son has a complex and complicated medical needs which means he cannot access his school swimming with his peers, he had a 1;1 which came in his EHCP and he would have loved to be with his friends. However the EHCP was ceased - I have contested this- so to stop him sat in the class or being sent somewhere else I am taking him every Thursday off site and taking him to a pool with the babies so he can play and attempt at being water safe. He is 6 and autistic, - he's on liquid thickener and long term antibiotics, and chest compressions for suction when any non thickened liquid gets to his lungs. I wrote to the school and stated categorically that they have a duty of care to make all SMART adjustments. I understand the link with the splashing and my son not drinking the water if he went under.

In your daughters situation however the school have handled this extremely poorly. There is no where were she could not have attended with an adapted/ managed day without it impacting on anyone.

A number of things you could ask such as why they are specifically singling her out and not meeting her needs when there is clearly so many options they have. We live 300 metres from the Thames and there is an activity centre on the water up from us. My ASD daughter was side lined not to attend due to her behaviour. I went along and supported the school as they didn't have a TA and I accepted that she could be difficult.
Your daughter is not like my eldest, there are no behaviour - I am praying it is a massive over sight.
They appear to have had little thought and at a basic level as teacher myself I would be doing all I can.
There is so much they can do to include her I am astonished and angry for you. And as someone who was part of senior management when I was working with our unit and SEN children in mainstream school, this would not be an option to exclude a young pupil for something that really is quite fixable.

I would be asking them what they would be doing in order for her to be included. Are they willing to pay you for your time, or an activity that involves the cost, and you could even write I am happy to bill you. I mean they won't do anything but you get the gist.

It is about making it abundantly clear that you daughter has every right to be attending, it sends a stinking message to her class mates that an orgnisation that they have spent their lives at learning and nurturing and developing into caring and compassionate members and setting of into the world starting secondary school can't even make reasonable adjustments to include her. And it sends a crushing message to her. Honestly PM me if you want me to pen a professional but firm letter, I am so mad for you. All children on a basic caring level should feel that their disability or medical needs are not going to hinder them. This is not even a glaringly obvious one. In my second year of teaching in Year 3 I had a young girl who had brittle bones and was in a wheelchair, we knew she had to have specifically catered help and mats for simple gym work, the only trip she couldnt do was one that would have literally endangered her bones, and we planned accordingly. what's upsetting is not that they are saying she can't go- which is nonsensical , its the lack of an attempt to even try and work around it. I mean come on.

Can I say apologies for any typos I am rushing this as I can't believe what I am reading. I think ultimately you can take her out and should if they still cannot facilitate her, but I would be raising this as it's wrong.

aylis · 12/05/2025 21:58

That's very poor from the school, I'm so sorry for your daughter, and for you as her parent feeling it for her too. If you're able to, you should take it further as they've not considered your daughter's needs and are therefore actively excluding her. They won't cancel it but they do need to be aware of their failings.

JojoM1981 · 12/05/2025 21:59

I would let her have the day off from school and let her choose something fun

VenusClapTrap · 12/05/2025 22:01

Appalling. Please make a formal complaint.

DS broke his arm just before his year 6 end of year party, which included an inflatable obstacle course. I remember only too painfully his devastation when I told him he couldn’t go on it. Very sweetly, his circle of friends boycotted the obstacle course too in solidarity.

That was of course totally different from your situation in that he hadn’t had years of missing out on stuff, and the school weren’t to blame because it happened after everything had been booked.

In your shoes I’d be playing hell. Make those teachers realise what a shitty thing they’ve done.

gerul · 12/05/2025 22:09

I feel sad for your daughter. Very poor of the school. I would send her though, just so that she could be with her friends, doing the playing even though she can't do the kayaking etc. That is if she wants to go. And then I'd book an activity with a few friends for her over the weekend. The poor love

Orangeoranges42 · 12/05/2025 22:11

Outrageous! I’m very sorry for your little girl, having all the health problems she’s overcome and had to battle which I can’t imagine have been easy this is terrible form from
the school.

Sounds like she’s been attending long enough to know her.

Our local school is doing a week of celebrations week after SATS and to celebrate being year 6, are there any other activity planned?

I’d 100% be going full force on this, can you find a better activity? Go on school website find the governors name and even local MP it’s a bloody disgrace discriminating against a poorly child.

Im sure you’ll be able to find a fun activity anyway just shame you have had to.

Orangeoranges42 · 12/05/2025 22:13

Also once you have a conclusion register your thoughts with ofsted for their next inspection on how they value their pupils!

Rainbowcat99 · 12/05/2025 22:15

Incredibly thoughtless of the school, I’m not surprised you’re upset. Your poor dd.
It probably won’t do any good for now but I would ask to see the head and explain the impact their thoughtlessness has had on you and your dd. They might just stop and think twice next time.

PurpleThistle7 · 12/05/2025 22:16

(I didn’t read everything yet) but I’d be losing my mind over this. All they had to do was give you proper notice and you’d be able to bring her. They weren’t even trying.

Does she have a close group of friends? Could you host a party afterwards? Or even take as many of them as you want out somewhere else? My daughter could take or leave a lot of children in her year so if I offered to take out her 5 closest friends instead she’d love that.

TheOtherRaven · 12/05/2025 22:17

I understand it's late now and you may not well want to make the fuss, but under the Equality Act this is discrimination, she is being treated less favourably than her peers directly on the grounds of her disability, and they have put her in a position of experiencing exclusion and consequences they either didn't foresee or didn't care about. The school don't have a leg to stand on. To have been told by her teacher it was a shame for her not to sit her SATs with her peers but to not worry about excluding her from this is absolute salt in the wounds. I would really want an explanation from school about why the one situation mattered to them but the other didn't. I am sorry.

I agree entirely, I would not be sending her to sit and watch while everyone else has fun, but take her out of school that day, explaining exactly why to the staff and the HT had better grant that day's absence very apologetically, and do something just for her, which won't make up for it in any way but at least will spare her having to remember a day of feeling left out and less important than her peers, and watching them have fun.

Awful, awful behaviour on the part of the school.

Tlittle · 12/05/2025 22:18

Hey sorry to hear this, you should complain as it's discrimination on the schools part and hopefully she can do something else either with the school or you.
My boy/ girl twins are also in year six and both type one diabetic and have been left out of things before which has been upsetting although the school have got better over time.
I don't think they can go on residential either and it feels unfair.

OhHellolittleone · 12/05/2025 22:20

I’d write to the governors. Or ask your daughter to. Explain how she and say she doesn’t want anyone else to feel so excluded. They could have done ANYTHING else. I can’t see anyone (who can kayak) couldn’t do mini golf, trampolining, chessington (lots of options!), etc etc. as a teacher I think this is truly appalling. It’s not like general swimming lessons, I get that they should all go with or without anyone who can’t participate.

Daisydiary · 12/05/2025 22:24

I don’t say this lightly, but I would go to the press! Daily Mail sad face and all that. She’s leaving in a few weeks so it doesn’t matter that the school’s relationship with you breaks down. What a horrible way for them to behave! So many other things they could have chosen and they chose this. What planet are they on?

Thedownstream · 12/05/2025 22:25

Oh OP, your poor DD!

I’m not on the school’s side here at all, but could it be they have a number of children with additional needs and couldn’t think of something that would work for everyone? E.g. cinema / bowling wouldn’t work as they have children with SEN who wouldn’t cope with the noise. Would your DD have been able to take part if they’d have chosen an on land outdoor activity centre e.g. doing climbing and abseiling or would that have been impossible too?

The above said, surely they could have organised something with a bit more variety to the day so if your DD couldn’t do everything she could at least do parts (same for other children who might have different additional needs).

Does one of the organisers have a child / best friend’s child who was desperate to do kayaking perhaps 🤔🤔?

Newname25 · 12/05/2025 22:25

Your poor DD. Extremely thoughtless of the school

Hulabalu · 12/05/2025 22:27

Aren’t the school required to be inclusive? Shouldn’t they postpone or change the activity ? It doesn’t seem fair to OPs DD nor to DD’s little friends who will miss her being there having fun with them.

Theordinaryfam · 12/05/2025 22:27

Thedownstream · 12/05/2025 22:25

Oh OP, your poor DD!

I’m not on the school’s side here at all, but could it be they have a number of children with additional needs and couldn’t think of something that would work for everyone? E.g. cinema / bowling wouldn’t work as they have children with SEN who wouldn’t cope with the noise. Would your DD have been able to take part if they’d have chosen an on land outdoor activity centre e.g. doing climbing and abseiling or would that have been impossible too?

The above said, surely they could have organised something with a bit more variety to the day so if your DD couldn’t do everything she could at least do parts (same for other children who might have different additional needs).

Does one of the organisers have a child / best friend’s child who was desperate to do kayaking perhaps 🤔🤔?

So she could do those things - not well granted but she would always give it a shot 🤣
water is because the central line is in the blood stream and a huge sepsis risk - the river Thames is riddled with bacteria.
physically she may struggle not do well at day walk climbing but she would give it a go.

OP posts:
JillAndJenTheFlowerpotMen · 12/05/2025 22:28

OP I’m sad for you. I hope you’re able to do something special with your dd instead.

Theordinaryfam · 12/05/2025 22:29

Thedownstream · 12/05/2025 22:25

Oh OP, your poor DD!

I’m not on the school’s side here at all, but could it be they have a number of children with additional needs and couldn’t think of something that would work for everyone? E.g. cinema / bowling wouldn’t work as they have children with SEN who wouldn’t cope with the noise. Would your DD have been able to take part if they’d have chosen an on land outdoor activity centre e.g. doing climbing and abseiling or would that have been impossible too?

The above said, surely they could have organised something with a bit more variety to the day so if your DD couldn’t do everything she could at least do parts (same for other children who might have different additional needs).

Does one of the organisers have a child / best friend’s child who was desperate to do kayaking perhaps 🤔🤔?

There is 2 groups
so when 1 group is doing the kayak the other group are doing games then vice versa but daughter says this is just like the giant comment 4 things whilst they wait for their turn.

OP posts: