Husband wouldn’t help me on flight with children because he paid for holiday

[Mumof22025]

We have taken our two children away, making the most of travelling outside of school holidays because our eldest starts school in September. Both of them started playing up about halfway into the journey, my husband was sat across the aisle and just kept his headphones in depsite seeing I was struggling. I tapped him on the shoulder to ask for him to help and he just shrugged his shoulders and said that I could deal with it as he paid for the holiday. They were causing a scene and it was embarrassing with a packed plane. Do you think that parenting should still be equal even if one has paid more than the other for something? On a flight last year, he upgraded himself to a seat with extra room and that was a few rows in front of us, luckily the kids behaved.

OP firstly, your husband sounds like a pillock.

But re child benefit, both my husband and I are high earners. When I had DC, I therefore assumed we weren’t entitled to CB. I decided to take a couple of years out when my DC were young. I now have 2 years of NI gaps which is annoying so now I either have to fill in the gaps (ie pay the NI myself for 2 years, currently about £900 ish), or work an extra two years to get a full state pension. The alternative is I will get a reduced state pension. I have a private pension but it’s the principle. I wish someone had told me.

Even if you don’t get the actual child benefit income itself, your national insurance contributions towards your state tension will continue to be paid but only if you’re claiming.

Get on the case when you get home or get yourself online if your husband gives you a break from the children (lol) and make an application. I think you can backdate it a couple of months.

You need to do some serious googling OP & find out your rights! Can't believe your husband treated you like this....appalling.

That is an unbelievable story.

The bloke is a dick.

If you only have a 2 year gap then you hardly have to work an extra 2 years past retirement. In a normal working life, you’ll still get your 35 years of contributions.

What are his redeeming features? Please tell me has some OP? He sounds really rubbish

Twats of a feather flock together.

My husband would upgrade himself once and once only and then he’d find himself holidaying alone.

WHY OH WHY do you call it ‘helping’? It’s help when he’s looking after his own fucking kids.

💯

I would never go anywhere with him ever again.

Divorce him and let the selfish bastard deal with the children for 50% of the time. What an absolute, nasty, selfish arsehole.

I'd tempted to walk out on him and leave him as the resident parent.

The least you can do is expose his behaviour on social media and let him explain himself to his friends and family.

I thought this was going to be the first ever 100% vote share for YANBU. Your husband is an utter arsehole. Not only is he in the wrong morally, he's in the wrong logically too - by his thinking, he should be paying half the fees of a full time, live-in childminder and housekeeper to the OP.

You’re not lucky though. Your husband sees you as the the unpaid nanny to take care of the kids and doesn’t want you bothering him.

it also sounds like you’re not claiming child benefit so you need to rectify that immediately. Just put the claim in and either opt out of payments or tell him he’ll be doing a tax return. Don’t ask him about it, he’ll fob you off.

finally is he paying into a pension for you? I can’t imagine he is and if he says he can’t stretch to it, then you can’t afford to be a SAHM.
your missing out on a lot of money, your own contributions, employer matching and the state adding in their 20%.

Get bank to work and have some agency for yourself birdied you find yourself screwed over and struggling to find a job.

She's got two children under five and a very unhelpful husband. Perhaps she's waiting for the first child to start school
It's not unusual for women in that situation to find that childcare for two children would cost more than she earns.
Often they don't realise how unhelpful the DH is until they are stuck at home with two kids... because their labour at home isn't valued by the DH.

Remember OP if you do go back to work.. BOTH of you pay for the childcare. It doesn't just come out of your wages. A lot of men use this argument to keep women at home. If I were you.. I'd be adding up the cost of hiring someone to do all the work at home you currently do, what's the going rate for a cleaner, a nanny etc.. so the next time he brings up this argument you can let him know. And also don't forget that you have sacrificed your salary, your NI and employee benefits, as well as promotion prospects, precisely so that he can earn his big salary. What would he have to pay and how many evening meetings would he have to miss if he can't find a babysitter when you are split up and doing 50/50 childcare.

If my husband ever did this to me he would be very quickly be my ex. So unreasonable and I literally cannot believe people like this exist.

That’s such a nasty way to treat someone you claim to love.

If you went out for dinner with a friend and paid for it, and then saw them struggling with something - say luggage would it ever in a million years occur to you to say as I paid for dinner you can struggle.

The money & holiday are not connected.

He is nasty. They are his children.

I would tell him that you are looking to return to work ASAP so that he no longer needs to be the “breadwinner”. In return he will be expected to pay half of the childcare, do half of the school and nursery runs, half of the house work, and make half of the evening meals etc. See if he soon sees himself as the breadwinner.

If this is genuine, I'd say you need some professional help to help with your self-worth.

How can you even ask this?

You appear to have very skewed ideas of what constitutes a good relationship and loving behaviour.

Was your own parenting as a child like this?

Your husband is a dick.

If this is a pattern of behaviour then can I suggest you get a good divorce lawyer

I used to be married to a selfish twat just like the OP’s OH. He never changed a nappy, never did a night feed, never pushed the pram, and ALWAYS had a very relaxing, restful holiday whilst I did all the childcare. Lose him OP.

How nasty. Plan on a bad headache.

Others may have said this but just to advise some caution here. If he earns above the threshold and you claim it, and then he doesn’t declare it and pay back whatever he is supposed to, you will be effectively committing benefit fraud. He doesn’t sound like the nicest guy so I’d just be cautious of getting proof that he is declaring your claim if you go ahead as ignorance will not be a defence for you

I'm nearly speechless reading this one!

So because your husband works outside the home, he gets to check out as a parent?

This man never should have had children.

Anyone on the plane who witnessed him willfully ignoring your attempts to ask him to help get those kids under control must have been scathing mad at him. The fact that in the past he's upgraded himself and left his family behind is a level of selfishness that is far outside the norm of typical jerk behaviour.

I don't care how much your husband earns. He is an absolute asshole.

He's a twat, OP. I'm so sorry.

What are you going to do about it?

Hmm. In my relationship, I have more assets. Never once have I ever ever said the equivalent to my DP. I wouldn't dream of it. We're a unit. We don't always get it right, and we'll remind each other when we're getting too off course. The money is... the basis. It's not a contribution to family life except on the most basic sense? When he is at work, you too are working. When he comes home, then you both are responsible for 50 50.

He's going to be one of these twats with a very active hobby life isn't he? Plenty of nights out, needs the weekends to relax and you? Well, you're just wifey 2000, you can keep going 24/7 and when you get rattly and complainy you can get upgraded...

he just shrugged his shoulders and said that I could deal with it as he paid for the holiday

He’s financially abusive.

He’s a lazy prick.

He’s got no respect for you.

Leave the cunt.