Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wouldn’t help me on flight with children because he paid for holiday

527 replies

Mumof22025 · 12/05/2025 19:01

We have taken our two children away, making the most of travelling outside of school holidays because our eldest starts school in September. Both of them started playing up about halfway into the journey, my husband was sat across the aisle and just kept his headphones in depsite seeing I was struggling. I tapped him on the shoulder to ask for him to help and he just shrugged his shoulders and said that I could deal with it as he paid for the holiday. They were causing a scene and it was embarrassing with a packed plane. Do you think that parenting should still be equal even if one has paid more than the other for something? On a flight last year, he upgraded himself to a seat with extra room and that was a few rows in front of us, luckily the kids behaved.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
whynotmereally · 13/05/2025 09:05

He doesn’t respect you and your role. He sees you as less than him. Why are you with someone who treats you that way. ? He paid for the holiday because you enabled him to by providing child care for his children. Your currently limiting your own career opportunities, not getting credit for your state pension and maybe not paying into a private pension yourself all so he can be the big man and treat you like the help.

healthybychristmas · 13/05/2025 09:05

There are so many things wrong with your posts, OP. It sounds as though your husband is financially abusive. He certainly doesn't turn his income and puts money into an account for you - what about the rest of it? Where are your pension contributions and national insurance contributions?

fuckislessoffensivethanpardon · 13/05/2025 09:13

This isn't true

’Yes please be careful to opt out of the payments if you are not sure of his salary, or think he is over the threshold. I know many are saying you should take the payment and it’s his problem to declare it in his tax return, which yes technically is right. But if you can’t be sure he will actually do this you will be the one who will get into trouble for benefit fraud, so please only actually claim any money if you can prove he is declaring that you are taking CB payment’ @Goodluckanddontfitup

He'll be the one that receives a fine for not completing the tax return and benefit fraud wouldn't even come into it.

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/05/2025 09:21

PinkBobby · 13/05/2025 08:08

Agreed - if he doesn’t change then I would get a job in preparation to leave. But I think I’d at least try to fix his way of thinking first (unless I felt the impact he was having on my children was harmful enough to need to leave immediately for their safety).

It is a risk, you’re right. I think that’s my issue. It’s a shame that women are limited by the shortcomings of men. Whether that’s pursuing their career or wanting to be at home.

Re being the default parent, I think it’s a little complicated as certain ages of development tend to mean one parent is ‘preferred’ - it’s not entirely down to the parents who the kid wants to go to for comfort. I think I’d try to prepare my son/daughter for that and say that if their partner is in the default parent phase, they need to make sure they are doing everything else for the house because it’s really hard. And if they are the default parent, then they can ask for help and demand their partner be showing up in every other way.

Show quote history

Men like that don't change, unfortunately.

It is a shame but it's also important for women to protect themselves because it isn't just about men turning into arseholes, men can also die, lose their jobs etc.

I feel like a child generally prefers the parent they see the most which in a lot of cases is the mother. That is not something I'll encourage, I think it's important for fathers to spend as much time as they can with their children too which is why DH and I flex around each other so he does just as many pick ups etc as me and is just as likely to put them to bed as I am.

Goodluckanddontfitup · 13/05/2025 09:48

fuckislessoffensivethanpardon · 13/05/2025 09:13

This isn't true

’Yes please be careful to opt out of the payments if you are not sure of his salary, or think he is over the threshold. I know many are saying you should take the payment and it’s his problem to declare it in his tax return, which yes technically is right. But if you can’t be sure he will actually do this you will be the one who will get into trouble for benefit fraud, so please only actually claim any money if you can prove he is declaring that you are taking CB payment’ @Goodluckanddontfitup

He'll be the one that receives a fine for not completing the tax return and benefit fraud wouldn't even come into it.

Edited

It’s a bit more complicated though as it’s a case of he said she said. He can claim he didn’t know she was claiming CB. If the finances are separate there is no proving he knew she was taking payments, in which case he’s she could be under suspicion. So all I am saying is make sure there is proof that he knew you are claiming and agreed to declare it in his tax return.

Blueandblack2 · 13/05/2025 09:53

Mumof22025 · 12/05/2025 19:17

No I plan on working again when our second child starts school in a couple of years. I know we are lucky to be in the position where I can bring them both up full time as husbands wage supports this.

Show quote history

With a husband like that, I would return to work ASAP. No way I would be a sahm if he treats me like that. Protect yourself and get back into employment.

And he is a total dick. Maybe write him an invoice for all the childcare you provide which enables him to work, use the money to pay him back and upgrade to business on the way home for yourself. You have set yourself up here (I did the same and now I am stuck many years down the line ).

Original poster
Mumof22025 · 13/05/2025 10:04

He is ‘taking the morning off’ today and has already gone out for a long walk and I’ve had to chase both children around the breakfast buffet whilst barely having the chance to eat myself. He says he needed this holiday to re-charge from work but will make sure I get a break at some point…which probably means I can sun bathe in peace for a couple of hours. Starting to wish I stayed at home to be honest

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 13/05/2025 10:08

Mumof22025 · 13/05/2025 10:04

He is ‘taking the morning off’ today and has already gone out for a long walk and I’ve had to chase both children around the breakfast buffet whilst barely having the chance to eat myself. He says he needed this holiday to re-charge from work but will make sure I get a break at some point…which probably means I can sun bathe in peace for a couple of hours. Starting to wish I stayed at home to be honest

He's not taking the morning off.

He can't be arsed to take responsibility for his own children. You don't get to treat your children like a job when it suits you but not allowed your wife to do the same.

He's a sexist arse. It will be more expensive for him to divorce.

He's giving you the ick isn't he?

AngelicKaty · 13/05/2025 10:09

Mumof22025 · 13/05/2025 10:04

He is ‘taking the morning off’ today and has already gone out for a long walk and I’ve had to chase both children around the breakfast buffet whilst barely having the chance to eat myself. He says he needed this holiday to re-charge from work but will make sure I get a break at some point…which probably means I can sun bathe in peace for a couple of hours. Starting to wish I stayed at home to be honest

I think you know this isn't right, don't you OP?

PinkBobby · 13/05/2025 10:12

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/05/2025 09:21

Men like that don't change, unfortunately.

It is a shame but it's also important for women to protect themselves because it isn't just about men turning into arseholes, men can also die, lose their jobs etc.

I feel like a child generally prefers the parent they see the most which in a lot of cases is the mother. That is not something I'll encourage, I think it's important for fathers to spend as much time as they can with their children too which is why DH and I flex around each other so he does just as many pick ups etc as me and is just as likely to put them to bed as I am.

Show quote history

I think they should change though so I’d try telling them what they were doing was wrong first. I don’t believe all men are incapable of change and if we want a better world, we have to be vocal and give them a chance at least to do better. Otherwise he’ll probably find some other woman to control.

I think we are just approaching the same problem with different solutions! I’m not condoning the husband’s behaviour for a second - I just want her to take the power back whilst still doing a role she wants to do. She might end up having to work anyway but at least she tried.

Clownsy · 13/05/2025 10:13

Mumof22025 · 13/05/2025 10:04

He is ‘taking the morning off’ today and has already gone out for a long walk and I’ve had to chase both children around the breakfast buffet whilst barely having the chance to eat myself. He says he needed this holiday to re-charge from work but will make sure I get a break at some point…which probably means I can sun bathe in peace for a couple of hours. Starting to wish I stayed at home to be honest

I really hope this thread makes you realise that "lucky" is the last thing you are with a selfish prick like that.

Thats some gaslighting job that has been done on you.🙄

SheridansPortSalut · 13/05/2025 10:15

You're right - you would have been better off staying at home and letting him go by himself. He's acting like he has done you a favour by paying but there is nothing in this holiday for you.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 13/05/2025 10:22

When he gets back tell him when you’re back from holiday you’re booking a weeks annual leave from your employment as the nanny/cleaner because you need time to recharge.

Edited to add - make that time to recharge and get some legal advice.

Imbusytodaysorry · 13/05/2025 10:27

@Mumof22025 you really need to open your eyes to the kind of relationship you are in , it’s shocking .
You need to grow a back bone and stand up to this man . You don’t get child benefit , you don’t know your husbands earnings.
You are treated as second class to his superior .
You are the non paid help .
what happened to his last slave?

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/05/2025 10:27

PinkBobby · 13/05/2025 10:12

I think they should change though so I’d try telling them what they were doing was wrong first. I don’t believe all men are incapable of change and if we want a better world, we have to be vocal and give them a chance at least to do better. Otherwise he’ll probably find some other woman to control.

I think we are just approaching the same problem with different solutions! I’m not condoning the husband’s behaviour for a second - I just want her to take the power back whilst still doing a role she wants to do. She might end up having to work anyway but at least she tried.

Show quote history

His behaviour isn't OP's responsibility to change. Women need to stop taking responsibility for men like that and I don't think things will truly change until men like that are actually forced to finally take responsibility for their own actions instead of a woman trying to change them.

He'll probably find some other woman to control no matter what because that is how he behaves. None of that is OP's responsibility, again, it is all on him.

Imbusytodaysorry · 13/05/2025 10:31

RedToothBrush · 13/05/2025 10:08

He's not taking the morning off.

He can't be arsed to take responsibility for his own children. You don't get to treat your children like a job when it suits you but not allowed your wife to do the same.

He's a sexist arse. It will be more expensive for him to divorce.

He's giving you the ick isn't he?

Show quote history

Exactly!
@Mumof22025 You will be entitled to half of what he has . Savings pensions everything . The house and probably more than 50/50 on the house .
tou will get child benefit . Cma payments and you will get time off . He will need to step up then .

Dweetfidilove · 13/05/2025 10:32

I don't care what your financial responsibilities are and how you share childcare, but I'd be judging the fuck out of him, and feeling so sorry for you and those children being stuck with him.

What a twat ☹️!

Superscientist · 13/05/2025 10:36

Mumof22025 · 13/05/2025 10:04

He is ‘taking the morning off’ today and has already gone out for a long walk and I’ve had to chase both children around the breakfast buffet whilst barely having the chance to eat myself. He says he needed this holiday to re-charge from work but will make sure I get a break at some point…which probably means I can sun bathe in peace for a couple of hours. Starting to wish I stayed at home to be honest

I imagine he'll pick an opportunity when he can be fun dad for an hour and once they need parenting again he will do a disappearing act.

PinkBobby · 13/05/2025 10:42

Mumof22025 · 13/05/2025 10:04

He is ‘taking the morning off’ today and has already gone out for a long walk and I’ve had to chase both children around the breakfast buffet whilst barely having the chance to eat myself. He says he needed this holiday to re-charge from work but will make sure I get a break at some point…which probably means I can sun bathe in peace for a couple of hours. Starting to wish I stayed at home to be honest

So do the same thing tomorrow. You really don’t have to put up with this selfish behaviour. Say you need to recharge from your ‘work’ too. Just walk off and don’t look back! When he has a tantrum about it, remind him that you look after the kids all the time - how is this a holiday if you’re having to do it 24/7 whilst you’re away? Just be honest - he’s being selfish and you’re not going to put up with it anymore. He is a father now - he needs to grow up and act like one.

Blueandblack2 · 13/05/2025 10:43

can you pack up and fly home earlier? Doesn't sound like much of a holiday. He is doing his own thing in any case. He has very much checked out and you are just his nanny/house maid by the look of it. I mean what is the point of flying out together. My not so nice H isn't at least taking me and the kids along and holidays alone. I thought that was crap but I think you 'win'.

does he have any redeeming qualities?

AuntieAunt · 13/05/2025 10:48

Your DH sounds like a right twat.

My BIL wasn’t a twat and definitely didn’t see childcare as a 24/7 role for his stay-at-home-wife (my sister) BUT he did used to pay for me to come along (when I was a uni student) so I could give them both a hand. I’d play with the kids in the pool so they could both do some sunbathing/just generally another pair of hands to tag team. I guess in a way I was there to support my sister/the kids so he could naturally step back and have a relax where as me and my sister were happy to take the kids on day trips everyday.

I’d definitely be making your DH sit with the kids on the way back as he got to relax on the way out.

I’d serve him up some raw vegetables. He may pay for the food but he doesn’t pay you to make dinner.

riverislanjeans · 13/05/2025 10:49

This is awful. He doesn't care about you or those children and he has absolutely ZERO respect for you.

Leave him, get your self a part time job and stick him with 50/50 childcare!

PinkBobby · 13/05/2025 10:51

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/05/2025 10:27

His behaviour isn't OP's responsibility to change. Women need to stop taking responsibility for men like that and I don't think things will truly change until men like that are actually forced to finally take responsibility for their own actions instead of a woman trying to change them.

He'll probably find some other woman to control no matter what because that is how he behaves. None of that is OP's responsibility, again, it is all on him.

Show quote history

I’m not saying she has to do anything more than call out his awful behaviour and demand he do better. If he doesn’t, she leaves. It isn’t her responsibility to change him, it’s her responsibility to not let him walk all over her. That comes from communicating his massive shortcomings.

Guinessandafire · 13/05/2025 10:56

This is utter nonsense..I cannot believe how some women live their lives. You would have been better just letting the dickhead go on holiday by himself, at least you would be able to properly plan for being a single parent then.

This is a cautionary tale for anyone thinking that being a SAHM is a good idea;
it really does put you in the position of hired help and completely dependant on ' the man'.

SouthLondonMum22 · 13/05/2025 10:59

PinkBobby · 13/05/2025 10:51

I’m not saying she has to do anything more than call out his awful behaviour and demand he do better. If he doesn’t, she leaves. It isn’t her responsibility to change him, it’s her responsibility to not let him walk all over her. That comes from communicating his massive shortcomings.

Show quote history

I agree that it is her responsibility to not allow him to walk all over her.