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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband wouldn’t help me on flight with children because he paid for holiday

527 replies

Mumof22025 · 12/05/2025 19:01

We have taken our two children away, making the most of travelling outside of school holidays because our eldest starts school in September. Both of them started playing up about halfway into the journey, my husband was sat across the aisle and just kept his headphones in depsite seeing I was struggling. I tapped him on the shoulder to ask for him to help and he just shrugged his shoulders and said that I could deal with it as he paid for the holiday. They were causing a scene and it was embarrassing with a packed plane. Do you think that parenting should still be equal even if one has paid more than the other for something? On a flight last year, he upgraded himself to a seat with extra room and that was a few rows in front of us, luckily the kids behaved.

OP posts:
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6
Lottie6712 · 12/05/2025 23:13

Mumof22025 · 12/05/2025 19:05

I probably didn’t word it well. I mean should that ever be a consideration and someone given leeway? He says that’s the case with his best friend who has kids of a similar age.

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Errrrrr, no? I'd laugh in my husband's face if he said something so moronic. I'm on maternity leave at the moment, so earning almost nothing and just got back from a 3 hour flight with my husband and two children where he did 50/50 of the parenting on the flight... As our children have 2 parents. I've had periods of not working and my husband has never made me feel that he's more important than me for earning more, or that it entitles him to opt out whenever he feels like it. I personally couldn't be with someone who acts so disrespectful to me and the work I do for our family - just because it's not financial doesn't mean it's any less valuable.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 12/05/2025 23:18

Jawdroppingly bad treatment from your “ D”H.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership of mutual goals, values, love and respect.
You are being treated as Domestic appliance and Nanny.

RedToothBrush · 12/05/2025 23:18

Mumof22025 · 12/05/2025 19:05

I probably didn’t word it well. I mean should that ever be a consideration and someone given leeway? He says that’s the case with his best friend who has kids of a similar age.

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I'm with the poster above who says I'd laugh in my husband's face if he said something so moronic

OP what would you say if your husband said
"My mate has kids of a similar age and he beats the shit out of my wife, so it's ok if I do too because I deserved it for not looking after the kids properly when I earn all the money"

Like seriously.

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/05/2025 23:19

PinkBobby · 12/05/2025 22:53

And that’s understandable - we don’t all want to be SAHMs. I just appreciate some woman love doing it and it’s a huge sacrifice for them to stop. So if that’s her preference, then I would start taking the power back. Tell him he doesn’t get to opt out, call out his terrible behaviour. Leave the kids with him over the weekend so he knows what it feels like to do it alone etc.

And re your daughters, obviously it is entirely up to you how you choose to advise them about future relationships. Like I said before, it just makes me sad for women who want to be at home and are brought up to feel like there are no men out there who can cope with the idea that being a SAHM is respectable or to grow up believing that no man is ever trustworthy enough to support them through a few years of not working. It just seems so bleak!

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and when he doesn't change or she leaves DC with them and he can't be arsed with them because he pays for everything and DC are her job? She is going to either have to accept it because she's so desperate to be a SAHM or LTB.

It's a huge risk to take and not something I'd feel comfortable encouraging my daughters to do. I also dislike that it's an expectation for women to be the default parent and don't plan to teach them to put up with that either or to teach my son that women = default parent.

GreenCandleWax · 12/05/2025 23:19

Mumof22025 · 12/05/2025 19:04

He does usually help with things at home but if he doesn’t want to he will say about being the bread winner and that being a pass when he can’t be bothered or is tired.

Masrriage and parenthood is meant to be a partnership. He has broken the contract. When will you kick him out?

Boysnme · 12/05/2025 23:19

Mumof22025 · 12/05/2025 19:22

I don’t know, I’ll have to ask him. I’m sure when we looked at it his earnings exceeded the limit

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You should still do as this poster has suggested regardless of if he earns too much to get the payment.

We paid back via tax return the first couple of years then just claimed the benefit but opted not to receive the payment to stop having to do the tax return.

we did it as my DH was not working and got the pension credits.

Itiswhysofew · 12/05/2025 23:19

Does he think you're the nanny?

4forksache · 12/05/2025 23:27

Did he choose the holiday too, considering he paid for it?

i bet he did!

DreamCircle · 12/05/2025 23:29

Wtf did I just read? This can’t be serious… and if it is then you need to leave.

LittlePudding1 · 12/05/2025 23:44

Some of these threads this evening really are beyond belief.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 12/05/2025 23:45

Shocking! So unkind and immature.

Pickled21 · 12/05/2025 23:48

It depends on what is important to you. I have no interest in sharing my life with a tosser so the beautiful home, holidays and staying at home would be wasted on me. For me a man that doesn't respect you, doesn't love you and I just wouldn't allow this. What kind of father would see his kids upset, tired or distressed and not intervene? A shit one. A true partner lightens your load.

Your standards are low and priorities all wrong. I hope you have some family or friends in real life who can get you to see some sense. If this is something you are willing to out up with to be a sahm then you need to get on with it. Frankly I think you need to give your head a wobble and ditch the deadweight.

We went on holiday last year and I sat with our older 2 and dh sat with our youngest. He had the harder time but we helped each other out because we are a family and on the same team. I'm not sharing this to be gloating but illustrate that your dh's behaviour is just so unacceptable.

Crazyworldmum · 12/05/2025 23:50

You should I have gotten rid of the waste of oxygen last year !! He doesn’t love you or your children clearly ! Seems narcissistic to say the least . I’m truly sorry for being blunt

Grinchybinchy · 13/05/2025 00:08

I’m really sorry and I don’t say this lightly but what a dickhead arsehole ltb flipping cheek x

SecondVerseSameAsThe1st · 13/05/2025 00:16

MrsPlantagenet · 12/05/2025 19:09

I find this hard to believe. But if it’s true, you need to LTB before your children think this sort of behaviour is anyway near normal.

Hard to believe you'd need MN to tell you this isn’t normal 🙄

spoonbillstretford · 13/05/2025 00:18

Tell him he can pay for a divorce next and that will cost him a lot more than a holiday.

spoonbillstretford · 13/05/2025 00:21

If I sat next to someone behaving like that I'd be asking him why he wasn't helping out.

AffableApple · 13/05/2025 01:25

Mumof22025 · 12/05/2025 22:34

I will go on at home and try to claim it myself. Do I need to input his salary? I don’t know his exact earnings.

Why don't you know his salary? It's not just his earnings, it's family money, it's your income.

This thread had better not turn out to be real because it's crazy.

mathanxiety · 13/05/2025 01:31

The man is a twat of the worst kind.

He thinks far too highly of his ability to afford coach class tickets for himself and his wife and children, doesn't he...

I'd be reassessing the entire relationship after an arrogant, entitled performance like that. I'm sure other passengers were aghast, and not because of your children.

mathanxiety · 13/05/2025 01:34

Mumof22025 · 12/05/2025 19:05

I probably didn’t word it well. I mean should that ever be a consideration and someone given leeway? He says that’s the case with his best friend who has kids of a similar age.

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"But muuuum! The other boys are allowed to get away with it!!! You're a meanie"

This person is not a man. He's a disgraceful, up-himself waste of space.

Goodluckanddontfitup · 13/05/2025 06:43

RedToothBrush · 12/05/2025 22:48

You need to put the claim in your name and then not claim the CB payments. That's it. You put in a claim in your name but opt out of getting payments because you are over the threshold. So as long as you are over the threshold you just say I don't want payment. You don't have to give your income.

This is worth thousands to you in the long term.

The details are easy to find. You have access to the internet. Google is your friend.

https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit/make-a-change-to-your-claim
This is the relevant page that's says that you just opt out of getting the payments.

You really need to take responsibility for this. This should have fuck all to do with him.

Yes please be careful to opt out of the payments if you are not sure of his salary, or think he is over the threshold. I know many are saying you should take the payment and it’s his problem to declare it in his tax return, which yes technically is right. But if you can’t be sure he will actually do this you will be the one who will get into trouble for benefit fraud, so please only actually claim any money if you can prove he is declaring that you are taking CB payments.

NebulousWhistler · 13/05/2025 07:22

Blackdow · 12/05/2025 20:10

If you only have a 2 year gap then you hardly have to work an extra 2 years past retirement. In a normal working life, you’ll still get your 35 years of contributions.

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You’re not wrong but I have no intention of working the full 35 years!

But the point is, I have NI gaps because I didn’t claim CB during the years I didn’t work because I didn’t realise this was A Thing.

PinkBobby · 13/05/2025 08:08

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/05/2025 23:19

and when he doesn't change or she leaves DC with them and he can't be arsed with them because he pays for everything and DC are her job? She is going to either have to accept it because she's so desperate to be a SAHM or LTB.

It's a huge risk to take and not something I'd feel comfortable encouraging my daughters to do. I also dislike that it's an expectation for women to be the default parent and don't plan to teach them to put up with that either or to teach my son that women = default parent.

Show quote history

Agreed - if he doesn’t change then I would get a job in preparation to leave. But I think I’d at least try to fix his way of thinking first (unless I felt the impact he was having on my children was harmful enough to need to leave immediately for their safety).

It is a risk, you’re right. I think that’s my issue. It’s a shame that women are limited by the shortcomings of men. Whether that’s pursuing their career or wanting to be at home.

Re being the default parent, I think it’s a little complicated as certain ages of development tend to mean one parent is ‘preferred’ - it’s not entirely down to the parents who the kid wants to go to for comfort. I think I’d try to prepare my son/daughter for that and say that if their partner is in the default parent phase, they need to make sure they are doing everything else for the house because it’s really hard. And if they are the default parent, then they can ask for help and demand their partner be showing up in every other way.

PinkBobby · 13/05/2025 08:28

Optimist2020 · 12/05/2025 22:49

But @PinkBobby she’s staying at home to raise her kids, whilst financially reliant on a financially abusive man. The @Mumof22025 doesnt even know how much her husband earns . She considers herself to be “lucky”.

The women in my family sat me down at 14/15 and told me to NEVER rely on a man financially, kids or no kids. I was told to have my own degree, career, bank account , car etc .

In an ideal world , women should be able to stay at home with their kids with a loving and supportive family to support the family .

However, men can be truly evil and not to be trusted so you need a plan B.

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I think OP’s comment about being lucky was her trying to avoid the usual comments SAHM’s get about being home and not having to ‘work’. SAHM’s are often told to pipe down because they are lucky to be able to stay home with their children financially. I don’t think she was saying she was lucky to have a man like her husband!

I agree - her husband appears to be financially abusive and that is unacceptable. I wouldn’t stand for it but I would communicate that and tell him he needs to change before just leaving.

I was also brought up to never depend on a man financially - I too have the things you listed (minus the car!) and I also took extra time off with my first child because it felt right for me (and we were ‘lucky’ enough financially to be able to do it). My partner saw the value in my role and we were always aligned about finances. Obviously very different to the OP’s situation. But I now couldn’t really tell my children it’s not possible as I did it and it worked well. So I think I’d explain what needs to be in place for them for it to work (career, savings, respect, understanding) and to be as sure as possible that they chose a partner who saw them as equal.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2025 08:55

I think she does think exactly that @PinkBobby- that she is lucky and has hit the jackpot with a rich man - and that that is precisely the problem. Neither of them see each other as equals, he is superior, which is deeply sad to anyone who is working hard to make sure their daughters know their value.
imo it’s fine that the op has made her own decision that it’s worth having no respect in return for holidays abroad - the problem is that they are teaching their children that this is normal, and so the misogyny circle continues.

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