Why do men future fake?

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This happened to me 5 years ago. I wasted 7 years with a man who kept saying we would marry but then would always find a reason not to. Looking back now, I think he knew for the last 3 years of our relationship that he didn't ever want to be with me. My lovely goddaughter has just had it happen to her. Why do men do this?
I know there can't be a definitive answer, just interested to discuss it

yeah, but are they still together?

Yes

Men do this even if you’re not living with them. I have never cooked for a man or cleaned his loo. Still had my fair share of future faking dickheads.

My advice is get better at spotting it and cut your losses. Give an ultimatum if you have to, just don’t throw away precious years on someone who ‘isn’t sure’.

Also, just for balance, I have been in relationships where I’ve been ‘not sure’ about a guy but didn’t have the balls to end it (most of my 20s). I didn’t waste 10 years of his life and run down his biological clock though, so it is different.

I totally agree with this and it sounds remarkably similar to my experience (scared to commit in my 20s, considering committing to someone now at the age of 35).

However, I think ‘future faking’ is something specific. It’s not saying “I’m not sure, let’s see what the future holds”, it’s explicitly telling your partner that you DO want to live together, get married, have a baby etc. with them when you either don’t or you’re not sure. It’s not having the balls to admit to uncertainty because you know she/he might leave you.

Also I’ve never known a woman cook and clean for a new boyfriend either. ExDP and I occasionally cooked together, but cleaning after him and having his dinner ready on the table? Not in a million years.

I’m with the nephew on this. Imagine how he must’ve felt the first time when he suggested marriage, and she basically said that being married to him wasn’t good enough if it didn’t come with a (waste of money) wedding? Now it suits her, she’s changed her tune, but she had her chance.

I hear you, but after all these years together he hasn't forgiven and moved on in his feelings? Wow!😕

I agree with you, but neither side sounds good frankly. She only wanted him with an Insta wedding; and he's still sulking after all these years. And they're still together!

There's a proven positive association. We just don't know why.

'Future fake'?

Do you mean 'lie'?

And do you think that only men do that?

Yes there is an association- but that doesn’t mean one causes the other. It may be that the same risk factors - eg domestic violence, - increase likelihood that parents will separate and cause worse outcomes for children. So there is a positive association between poor outcomes for children and single parenting, but it’s not parental separation or being a single parent that is not problem.

But she didn’t only want him for an insta wedding ?!!! Are you high??

. She bought a house and had a baby with him!!!! She was committed, she just wanted to wait to get married until they could afford a wedding. NORMAL.
what is with the bonkers misogyny on this thread?

Several studies have proven it. What we have to rethink is if relationship breakdown = failure.

They have not proven a causal relationship. Only that there is an association- so , for example, this could be explained by both outcomes having the same risk factors.

Are YOU high? You can get married in the registry office for £150 quid. You don’t need a huge party. But what she wanted was the wedding, not to actually be married (until she seemingly realised that as a legal contract it would benefit her. Funny that she then changed her mind)

I would think that was obvious. if you got into marriage without living together, having kids etc. You have very clear lines and expectations of marriage and especially if you’ve been through marriage instruction or had parents who are sensible have a clear understanding of the sacrament.

If you go on thinking it’s something you do after 10 years together often your views and expectations of marriage are different and one expects the other to change or their relationship to be different.

Moving in before marriage or solid commitment to getting married is a complete waste of time.

Yes you could separate into non religious and religious people, different classes and so on. You’ll find religious people tend to be more committed to marriage and the middle class marriages also last longer. They’ll be factors such as poverty which must increase divorce rates, but the cohabitation factor has been robustly tested and moving in is a bad idea and causes situations like the future faking.

They just want sex.
I think probably 70% of men’s decisions can be understood by this logic!!

Basically this.

Of course you can get married in a registry office- no one is disputing that. This particular woman didn’t want to do that ,she wanted to have a traditional wedding where she could invite friends and family- NORMAL! The whole point of marriage traditionally was to be a community / family ritual- to affirm / celebrate your commitment in front of your community- not just a legal status with government. The fact that this woman wanted a traditional wedding says nothing about her being shallow or a gold digger or self interested or her lack of commitment to this man.
The fact that this man is now using this very normal desire against her as an excuse to reap the benefits of a partnership - using her as reproductive labour- without providing her- the mother of his child - security , equality and fairness in the relationship is disgusting.
And the fact that you are excusing it is pure old fashioned misogyny, and it’s exhausting that women still have to deal with this shit in 2025.

So what you’re saying is she wanted a wedding not the legal commitment of marriage. Which is exactly what I’m saying. And if it’s the being married and security that brings that’s important, then she could’ve had a smaller, affordable wedding. You can still invite people to a registry office! But no, she turned him down because it wouldn’t be big and flashy enough. She has agency, she could've left him and not had kids with him if she didn’t want to do so unmarried.

I'm talking about Snapncrackle's story, not OP's story. Thank you, I'm not high. As to Snapncrackle's story, they bought a house and had a baby, in spite of the fact that the parents would be disappointed not to have a church wedding. She wouldn't marry him because the wedding wasn't fancy enough, yet she and he have had a baby. Now they've got the baby and the house, he doesn't want to marry her. Somehow, they have both wrong footed the other. If I had been the nephew in this story, I would have dumped the girlfriend who wanted a 30K wedding. Quite a few women are more about the wedding than the marriage itself.

So what you’re saying is she wanted a wedding not the legal commitment of marriage

No. I’m saying she wanted to get married when she could do so in the context of a wedding. Which is a) normal, b) valid.

She didn’t have to have kids with him, but why shouldn’t she? She loved him, is committed to him , and wants to marry him.

He on the other hand apparently does not want to get married / is not committed.
And somehow you are excusing this by trying to pretend this woman is awful and shallow simply for wanting a wedding . And therefore she now deserves to have her reproductive and domestic labour exploited by her partner for the rest of her life , and he is totally freed from any moral call to provide his partner in life, the mother of his child any financial security/ equality and legal protection because she’s such a shallow , gold digging bitch cos she once wanted a wedding . 🙄😡🤬