Why do men future fake?

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This happened to me 5 years ago. I wasted 7 years with a man who kept saying we would marry but then would always find a reason not to. Looking back now, I think he knew for the last 3 years of our relationship that he didn't ever want to be with me. My lovely goddaughter has just had it happen to her. Why do men do this?
I know there can't be a definitive answer, just interested to discuss it

This sums it up

The point about cohabiting increasing the likelihood of marital failure - this is conflating correlation and causality.

So they can get string-free sex and all the trappings that come with it (cooked meals, tidy house, free or subsidised housing, substitute mother to laugh at their shit jokes).

I did this! Not because my parents were old fashioned but I wanted protection. Still married 35 years later.

They do but it does not stop future faking. It’s also not fully automatic. I think you have to have recognised each other as Defacto (what it’s called) partners.

For sex.

So he did not want to marry her.

This just sounds like you don’t want to marry that person.

Lots of people want big weddings. It’s not that unusual and you seem weirdly bitter at her for wanting something fairly usual.

They do it because you’re a great option.
They want to keep that option.
But are not completely satisfied and want to see if there’s something that suits them better out there.

And you’re strung along because they aren’t willing to communicate honestly and have a different conversation and subsequent breakup.
It is all very awkward.

!I’m
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Not at all
I’ve been married 26 years
and got married within 6 months

as far as I’m aware she didnt have 30k for a wedding but that’s what she wanted to have

he said he would rather put the money into buying a house which he did
I think that’s pretty sensible rather than spunking 30k on a party

But that’s just me

Your nephew sounds awful tbh. Imagine refusing to give the mother of your child the security of marriage, while continuing to reap the benefits of the relationship. And his excuse is that it’s her fault because she initially wanted a traditional wedding (as lots of people do)? Disgraceful.

I’m with the nephew on this. Imagine how he must’ve felt the first time when he suggested marriage, and she basically said that being married to him wasn’t good enough if it didn’t come with a (waste of money) wedding? Now it suits her, she’s changed her tune, but she had her chance.

thank you
That’s exactly how he feels

I don’t think he future faked her at all
he asked her to marry him
she said no and he was pretty upset by it

had had a fairly big amount saved and inherited and she wanted that to be spent on a wedding
she had 0 saved

he wanted to buy a house ( which is sensible)

she also could have left when she said she wasn’t going to get married but she stayed

Actually I think the research is pretty solid on that. What they need to do is isolate different groups of people and see if culture is a variable.

I honestly think you'll find different outcomes among non-religous, "indigenous" (my new favourite word on here) groups of Western people where living together before marriage is positively associated with longevity of the relationship.

Breaking up before marriage isn't necessarily a bad thing and could decrease divorce rates because people who do marry will be better suited to marriage.

The research on it is only “solid” in so far as it shows correlation not causation. None of it accounts for confounding variables (such as religious observance).

Yeah by the nephew sounds like a twat.

Many people want to wait to marry to have a big wedding when all can attend. To frame it as “I have what I want so screw marriage” suggests he never wanted marriage. He just wanted to use it as a tool to get what he wanted.

I would walk if I was her. Better men out there. Who value marriage for its own sake.

As i said

She didn’t “value marriage for its own sake”
though when she refused his first proposal!

Ok. But then I don’t understand why you quoted me. As it was just a repetition of what I said re: confusing correlation and causation.

Oh what rubbish. If he were really that insulted he needn’t have bought a house and had a baby with her eh? Funny how happy he was to do all that… 🤔

Lots of people wait to get married until they can have the wedding they want. Totally normal. So drop the misogynist implications that she’s shallow and a gold digger eh? All to excuse the selfish actions of a feckless man. It’s 2025. Do better.

I'm not sure if it's always on purpose in all cases, more just they're happy to plod along but just not into you enough to marry you.

She did. She wanted a big traditional wedding and wanted to be able to afford that.

That’s not unusual. Lots of people who value marriage want to save for the kind of wedding they want.

At no point did she say she never wants to marry

What is unusual is claiming you value marriage….but then saying “now I have what I want, I see no need to marry you”.

That’s not what people who value marriage do. That’s what people who want to weaponise marriage to get what they want do. He basically said “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”.

He’s a misogynist and if it was me I would be gone. But she foolishly had a baby and bought a house with him.

She didn’t have to have a baby if she didn’t want to

he could of bought the house with or without her but he was happy for her to go on the deeds to a house that she put nothing in to so she won’t be walking away with nothing if they split up

A lot of men would have bought the house and kept it in there name ensuring that if they split the partner gets 0

In my opinion, people who really value marriage don’t hold the party/event element in higher esteem than the marriage itself. She wanted the wedding, not the marriage, until the latter became advantageous to her. I wouldn’t want to marry someone with that attitude either.