Why do men future fake?

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This happened to me 5 years ago. I wasted 7 years with a man who kept saying we would marry but then would always find a reason not to. Looking back now, I think he knew for the last 3 years of our relationship that he didn't ever want to be with me. My lovely goddaughter has just had it happen to her. Why do men do this?
I know there can't be a definitive answer, just interested to discuss it

A lot of people conflating the op with marriage whereas I saw it as a man who wants a family and commitment, funny a lot of us seem to be thinking different things. Maybe communication is an issue here? I never cared about marriage as much as someone who was committed to me and a family. That's the bit men don't seem to have - longevity - as a pp said they can't deal with adversity and communicate in relationships. Plenty want to marry, but they would be terrible husbands!

Thanks for all the replies

My future faker took my last possible child bearing years, and this has happened to my friend too.
I think mine was a timing issue- I suspect he will/ has married and had a child with someone else with a new woman when his biology kicks in
It is really selfish I think
Goddaughter is younger- so still has time but he was her first love so she needs time to get over it- but we will push her along

This

I’ve cooked for bf’s (because I wanted to) but I have never cleaned for a bf (as in go to his place and clean it). I ended a six year relationship because it wasn’t going anywhere but I’m not sure I’d describe it as future faking. Over twenty years later it seems he’s still not married or had kids so I guess he was being true to himself with his non-committal ways.

I must be a man then (I’m not) because having the ability to exit a relationship the moment that it inconveniences or challenges them, or doesn't serve them in some way is how I approach relationships, if it isn’t actively enhancing my life any more I don’t want it. I also don’t want to get married or have kids (but I do make this clear, usually on the first date so I don’t end up with someone who does want those things). I’ve been with my partner several years now but I’d never say “yes, this is it forever” because no human can guarantee that. I’ve never cooked and cleaned for a man either.

Why did she deserve better rather than just different. He was only 23. Are you saying your brother isn’t very nice?

for sex and because it is cheaper to live as a couple rather than on your own. Plus women take on most of the cooking, shopping, cleaning

Again, WHO are the women doing this? And why? It’s not 1950!

Partly communictaion - nether side is completely upfront till very late - so men assume it's a nice to have or a some point thing.

I was very upfront early with now DH - but messaging to women/girls is don't talk about babies and long term at start of dating- well I wanted to have an idea how serious it would get - fun was fine but and nothing was set in stone but wanted expectations set and looked at regularly rather than closing eyes and hoping.

Partly not 100% sure what they actually want so go along with it till something happens.

Timing - having kids is often said by demographers to be a cap stone event these days- so something you do when everything else has been done rather than something you do along side and men don't get the same messaging about aging.

The birth gap focuses on people waiting to long - and men get to late 40 early 50 think they're ready and find the pool of women wanting kids who will consider them is small and there a lot of competion as they compete with younger men or older men with more security/assets.

They don't want you to go, they want you to keep being the girlfriend, but also don't want to get married/commit. They know you'll leave if you do, so they lie. Pretty straight forward, no big mystery.

I will agree there are outright liars out there as well.

I don’t think they do because to men it doesn’t matter if they get married in 2 years time or 20
the main driver for women with timescale is fertility
then it all comes to ultimatum time more often than not all an ultimatum does is push them away

@Ratisshortforratthew to be fair it sounds like we both have a different view of relationships. I might add here I'm religious so I'm approaching the topic of relationships with a different world view than perhaps you are. And at least you are honest from the get go about what you want - now that I respect!

Also women are scared to be upfront. I told my DH on pretty much date 1 that I wanted children and to be married before having them.

We were together 6 years before marriage but it was something we had planned and delayed as we could unexpectedly buy a flat and I preferred that to getting married.

Women think being upfront is desperate but it’s not. They are also often their worst enemy by waiting for a perfect proposal etc.

DH brought my ring to my office and gave it to me on the high street. I knew he was coming with it.

@Ratisshortforratthew I also approached relationships like this in my twenties. Why wouldn’t you leave if it doesn’t serve a purpose.

In my twenties I had 4 boyfriends who were just not suitable for marriage in my eyes so finished with them all. They were fun to date at the time.

The thing is if it isn’t someone you adore then after it’s over that’s it and you don’t look back. I only felt a little bad about one, he was a genuinely lovely guy but different religious backgrounds were an issue for both sets of parents.

IMO because (in this day and age) women are still waiting for the man to propose. This behaviour/mindset/social conditioning enables a man to have the upper hand in a relationship. This behaviour/mind enables future faking. Sadly it will continue to be this way. A societal mindset shift is long overdue. This is a generalised opinion.

To get what they want in the moment. I do not think all men do it mainly narcissistic types and there more of those than we think.

To get a shag / housekeeper

There's a term for what they want, and its 'mommy mcbangmaid.'
i.e. Do my emotional labour and mental load, bring me food, let me fuck you and clean up after me.

Future faking though is where you are upfront, and they tell you what you want is what they want too. There’s always another reason why it doesn’t happen.

These aren’t just men who want something casual, it is men who knowingly lie saying they want marriage/kids knowing they don’t just to keep a woman

In other words, why do men manipulate women into living lives that benefit the men? Does that answer the question in fact?

Because all men are naturally manipulative, individually and as a group. All women have something men want and it is of little benefit to the woman much of the time - probably more than half. They are naturally selfish.

Research has shown again and again that just being in a partnership with a man benefits men far more than women.

In my case the lie was ‘oh yes well definitely be moving back somewhere where you can pick up your career or offers a really good life for the kids (or both).

Never trust a man.

This. Cohabitation without marriage usually.has far more benefits for me than women. Years ago if a man wanted a housekeeper and sex they had to get married.

It’s control, they want control.

I feel bad dating and not wanting it to progress to marriage and moving in but they’d happily string folk along like they’re a catch.

This was so easily avoided in my Mother’s Day, you were a free agent until they proposed and you don’t move in or sleep with men before marriage. That’s the deal commit.

Now on here it’s poor man he has to pay for child and he should get say in whether you abort. Moving in 50/50 and men cocklodging and suiting themselves. Women started this crap and it’s time we encouraged women and girls to be more selective.

I’ve slept with men I shouldn’t have and had a child on my own. I’m very glad I own my own home outright from a youngish age (and move up and mortgaged when I could). Men literally invite themselves to move in with you, I’ve always refused there’s nothing in it for me. When I say “absolutely not” they say defensively “I’ll pay towards the bills”. I mean how could paying towards increased bills be any use to me? I’m not skint. They obviously thought I was desperate. Absolutely no regrets there and it’s one of the thing I look back upon as a wise choice.

Men don’t care, it’s that simple.

She said goddaughter, not granddaughter. OP also later wrote that the man she referred to did waste her last remaining childbearing years and has probably gone on to have children now - though I appreciate this reply came after yours.
Whether children apply or not though, selfish men who are only thinking purely of themselves. If they truly loved their partner they would be honest with them and do what is best for them, even if that means splitting up.

Yes, I absolutely agree with you. My stbxh absolutely did this. As soon as we were married and child on the way he became my worst nightmare. Cold, nasty and abusive. Has now pretty much abandoned his child, despite spouting crap about how he'd never do that for the entirety of our relationship pre marriage. Pig. And now he sees us as "good friends". I don't ruddy think so!

Never believe words, ONLY actions! Besides give your self a deadline and kick them to the curb!