Why do men future fake?

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This happened to me 5 years ago. I wasted 7 years with a man who kept saying we would marry but then would always find a reason not to. Looking back now, I think he knew for the last 3 years of our relationship that he didn't ever want to be with me. My lovely goddaughter has just had it happen to her. Why do men do this?
I know there can't be a definitive answer, just interested to discuss it

Future faking though is where you are upfront, and they tell you what you want is what they want too. There’s always another reason why it doesn’t happen.

This is why I said communciation - because we've had couple friends where the woman thought she been upfront but had actually skirted round hinted started a conversation then rapidly backed off - done PA fake jokes on issues but then assumed man knows how serious she was.

Man then gets blinded when she is very clear and reads it as an ultimatum - and then gets upset or grumpy as they assumed they were both on same page and timeframe.

I hear one side DH another - I used to assume the man was just lying then asked more questions and no sit down talk or timeframe talks till last big one.

I once worked with a woman breaking up with her DP - and they'd found out they hadn't paid a water bill for 7 years - they'd assumed other was and company had fucked up and not sent any. She was bricking it but then found only had to pay I think a year worth. DH said how the fuck did that happen didn't they at some point have a conversation about bills and check - apparently not untill they were breaking up communciation is some couple isn't great and they ride along on assumptions and unsaid things.

What kind of woman is cooking and ‘cleaning the loo’ of a man they’ve just met??? One who definitely should NOT be surprised when they get treated like a disposal drudge for a man keeping his options open. Raise the bar ladies ffs.

Initially to get sex. Then to get regular sex and companionship.

To be fair whilst there are plenty of players who know they are future faking, I think a lot of men believe it themselves in the first throes of love/lust. When things become a bit more humdrum and the honeymoon period is over they start to see things more clearly and think actually things are fine as they are, why risk my pension with marriage or ruin a decent sex life/ fun social life with babies.

My husband is a decent sort but he wasn't keen on marriage or children - his view was that we were happy as we were (despite mentioning both in the initial honeymoon phase while I was thinking "hey steady on a bit, we hardly know each other") whereas I got more focused on those things over time as what I wanted in my future. I held back on buying a property together which he wanted, because I knew we would end up splitting if we wanted different futures long term and a joint property would complicate that. I am sure that helped concentrate his mind.

Because he see you as nothing more than an option.

There isn't much point in marrying someone when you're already getting everything anyway.

If you are already living with a man, sharing bills, have children together, there's no point getting married, not for the man, he already has everything that marriage brings.

The question isn't "why won't he marry me".

You should be asking "why should he marry me".

What does marriage get him that he doesn't currently have?

Might sound a bit transactional, but it's accurate.

I also think that waiting around for a man to propose is not a great situation to stay in. If he's the marriage type, if it's important to him, (and he decides you're the one for him) he won't wait years to make it happen.

Basically, if he hasn't asked you, he doesn't want you, no matter how many kids, bills or cars you might share.

Fair play, we do obviously have different expectations and as long as everyone sets theirs out clearly there’s nothing wrong with that!

And we see post after post from women where their men have put a ring on it and are still fannying around deciding when and where and how to get married, saying they're not ready, whilst getting these women pregnant and saying having children together is more of a commitment than a marriage.

I think there a variety of reasons. Some men will just say what you want to hear. When reality starts to catch up they then prevaricate and stall. Some men genuinely change their minds (as do women) as a relationship progresses and actually they do not want a lifetime commitment or kids or a wife. Many men IME do not have a paternal instinct in the same way that women are maternal. They love their children but do not yearn to be fathers in the way that many of us long to be mothers. So when they see women really wanting this they get scared.

I clearly ment marriage when I said put a ring on it.

This happened to my sister. Strung her along for 8 years with 'stop bringing it up and I'll do it' (propose) before finally admitting (after 2 kids) that he had no intentions of getting married as he didn't believe in it. They stayed together another 4 before she found out about all his affairs including whilst she was pregnant.

I think he knew in himself that he couldn't be trusted to keep his dick in his pants so obviously didn't want to risk her getting half when/if he was found out. He really fucked over.

Never have children without being married first, I can't stress this enough!

I think a lot of men don’t like being alone. They need to have a girlfriend even if they know she’s not “the one”. So they have their girlfriend on the side making them feel comfortable and settled whilst they wait for “the one” to come along.

I have a friend like this. Multiple long term girlfriends with virtually no gap between them but apparently hasn’t met his soulmate yet 🙄. His poor girlfriend of 4 years has no idea.

But then you risk getting married and having kids with a useless twat , just because he went along with your plan.

This is why you see so many threads on here about useless partners and dads..too many women seem beholden to their biological clock and choose a man that will agree to marriage and kids, rather than someone who is decent and that they have a real connection with.

With long term relationships it is not just sex but domestic, financial, emotional and social comfort as well. All the things that use to be the rewards of being married and the provider, without either, and without sharing them with children

I don't know how much is a cynical calculation, wishful thinking or a projection of what they know they ought or could do or be. Certainly most people put forward the best idea of themselves and what they offer as a mate when courting and dating, and some then keep that up longer them others, and some believe it for longer then others.

Well at least they’ve had children and commitment. Preferable to wasting 7 years to see if he’s a homemaker when you can pay a cleaner if you earn ok.

Cohabiting doesn’t work and the longer you cohabit the more likely your marriage is to fail. Go in commitment and take the matter seriously. Pissing about confuses the issue so some think it makes no difference to the relationship and the other does. If you don’t cohabit at all your marriage is more likely to work.

If you’re a Catholic you do marriage instruction via the Priest my ex refused as he did not want someone telling him what to do, (or discuss anything and be accountable as it turned out). It’s a good idea to test if they’re on the same page and some men have been brought up with the morales of the gutter whilst trying to hoodwink you they’re a decent person.

True dat. And you don't keep a pig when all you want is a sausage now and then.

Fair enough misread that

So women shouldn’t get married? Or just put up with useless men because even a good one can turn out to be a wrong un?

Though it's a bit of an extreme position I can see the point

Few would want to go back to the days when nobody lived together before marriage, but then women aren't forced to wait for years on some vague promise - and certainly not to have children when they're often so much at risk

That means having the ability to exit a relationship the moment that it inconveniences or challenges them, or doesn't serve them in some way
It goes both ways. Many women desperately want to be married for the financial security knowing that they can have children, stay at home or work only a few hours a week, yet know they would be entitled to probably more than half the assets.

I have children of both sexes and I tell them the exact same thing. Always ensure you can be independent financially and only marry if the other person is prepared to participate equally or close to financially.

I don't think most men future fake. I doubt very much that they sit there planning to waste several childbearing years of their partners life in order to leave and start a family with someone else. It's not a planned thing for most.

I do think men and women fall too quickly into the 'like an old married couple' situation.That becomes very comfortable for a man who then doesn't think anything needs to change. Arguments start and the couple break up, I've seen a number of friends and colleagues do everything but marriage and then split when one wants to marry but the other doesn't. It's really sad for all concerned.

The couples that mostly stayed the course that I know were usually the ones who got engaged with a wedding date or just married at the point they moved in together. Not always I have known couples to move in and then decide on marriage but that was always the plan, a time frame for a decision on marriage.

Because many of them are full of shite.

IME they do it for convenience and to continue their sex life. It’s easier to go along with things than have a honest conversation that could cause conflict and stop them getting their needs met.
I didn’t want marriage or any more kids but I did want my ex and I to move in together. We’d known each other for years so it wasn’t like we didn’t know each others foibles. I made it really clear when we got back together after a break that if he didn’t, then we shouldn’t try again so he had a clear exit opportunity. He said all the right things and did nothing about it. Shut down, repeatedly ghosted me instead of speaking to me about any concerns and I left.
I think a lot of the time it’s procrastination and a huge lack of emotional maturity. And not actually caring enough to want to talk through any issues. If he’d said he had concerns we could have worked through them, or even delayed things until he was ready, if he ever would be. But now I know it was future faking and at least I’ve saved myself years of waiting for something that would never happen.

Selfish
Entitled/ users
Fundamentally dishonest
Fundamentally misogynistic
Grossly immature

It boils down to his just not that into you but his content with the current motions. Like a monkey he won’t let go of that branch till he can grab another unless forced off.

It’s like men who say they are done having children with their current wife but can’t quite give a reason they won’t have a vasectomy just soon yeah soon. I’ll ring soon. Because they cant tell their wives that actually if we split I want to be able to have a wider dating pool of younger women who possibly want babies.

They just roll with the current and make excuses for not committing more till you leave or they find that women that they want to commit to, they will then be engaged/pregnant within a year.

Because a man that wants to marry you knows it fast even if he doesn’t act quite as fast but they tend to know in under a year if you are “the one” so if he always has an excuse you are not the one.

If you both jointly have reasons either you both secretly feel that or actually you have a genuine reason to wait a bit longer and have had a proper adult conversation about it rather than one sided.

Same as how people coast in jobs they don’t hate but they don’t love. Putting it just enough to not get fired.

Because they can if you let them. If you don't want it to be like that, then you leave after what you consider to be long enough. Don't allow someone to string you along with empty promises, man or woman.