Male colleague needs part time working mum to take care of 1 child

[colleg]

I was talking to a colleague recently and it came up that we both had sons who are 3 years old. I also have a 5 year old daughter.

my colleague was saying that he could never do the job ( the same job I do ), if his wife didn’t work very very part time around the needs of their 3 year old.

I was pretty shocked he said that to me. Isn’t it funny how a man can take such huge liberties and convince his wife that she can’t possibly work full time / she has to be the full time default parent for their 1 child, while there’s a woman standing next to him, who has two kids, does the same job as him and is also the default parent !

and before you start, no the child does not have special needs. It really does seem that this colleague needs his wife’s support to do the job I do, with two kids in tow.

it’s a high pressured job, but it’s a desk job. We aren’t going out to fields, farming the land or working in construction. We aren’t nurses or doctors on shift work. We have a 9-5 desk job in essence. And we also work from home, for most of the week.

I'm not defending anyone, because I completely reject the idea that anyone needs defending for not organising their life in the way OP's household does. That's my whole point.

If the job is long hours and he has no flexibility then the pick ups and drops offs is left to the op. Her colleague has freedom to be flexible and he chooses not to pick up and dropoff his daughter. Explain that without making excuses for her colleague.

my colleague was saying that he could never do the job ( the same job I do ), if his wife didn’t work very very part time around the needs of their 3 year old.
I was pretty shocked he said that to me. Isn’t it funny how a man can take such huge liberties and convince his wife that she can’t possibly work full time / she has to be the full time default parent for their 1 child

Where did he say that he’s convinced his wife she has to work part time? Maybe the wife wants to work part time around the child because that’s what she actually wants or it makes sense that he is full time and her part time because he has more earning potential?
As he’s the bread winner maybe he doesn’t have as much flexibility, just because he sits at a desk he still has a job to do. I work part time 20 hours a week whilst DH works more but that’s because he has potential to earn more than me and I wanted to be at home more for the children.
If his wife was to work full time I’m sure they’d find a way to make it work because that’s what most working families do, he’s never been in that position so obviously thinks he can’t. It was just a comment (possibly a compliment to you) but you’ve just ran away with it and made your own scenario eg husband at work whilst he’s forbidden the wife to leave the children and kitchen 🤦‍♀️

He doesn't need to because his wife works part time...
OPs own DH could also manage to be more involved if he really wanted to. But he doesn't. So OP does get it really. It's not different.

Yep!

If we're going to go down the road of picking through people's choices and arrangements, that principle applies to all of it. Not just the bits we find convenient for our argument.

I agree that each family must do what works best for them.

I also see that mum would be able to build up a better pension and some safety, in case the relationship breaks.

I am quite new to Mumsnet but I am impressed at the amount of threads I see here where women are trapped in a relationship, feeling unable to leave because they don’t have any money or a job.

I get what you're saying. But in some ways I think it's actually good he's recognising that he gets to live the life he does, and do the job he does only because his wife takes on most of the caring responsibilities.

I still think its pathetic when a man doesn't know the basics about their own child, even more so in this case with the WFH and flexibility you know he has.

We all make our choices. Mine and my husbands lives would be undoubtedly easier if I worked part time. I was going to say we couldn't afford that, but in theory we could. But we make the choice not to sacrifice:

• my career development (more difficult if PT)
• savings/holidays/clubs etc
• my pension
• my student loan (actually think I'm doing this wrong - if I was part time forever I'd never pay it off!!)

If they can afford it, they've made their choice that it's easier for them. Sounds like he's the kind of person that would leave it all to her even if she also worked full time, so probably best she doesn't.

Some of you sound brainwashed in accepting any old excuse from men. Op said he does the same job as him and they both have flexibility to pick up children in the afternoon. The op and her colleague work in the office or at home. Ops husband's job is not flexible he can't leave whenever he wants because he works on site. He can't get away with skiving he'll lose his job.

On the finances point, worth pointing out we've no idea what the wife earns, or what other income she might have aside from her wage.

You said it better than me I agree he's pathetic and probably wouldn't be able to cope without her input. Which doesn't reflect well on him.

I’d add that in 20 years time, when he’s no longer ‘happy’ in the marriage, miraculously he’ll forget how he couldn’t do his job without her doing the majority of the childcare. At that point, her lower pension contributions and inadequate savings will be her own fault and the money is his because he was the high income earner. Cynical? Yes but I’ve seen this scenario play out multiple times.

Unless he's enslaved, choosing a job that prevents you from parenting, is exactly the same thing. Perhaps OP could ask her DH why he can't manage either?

I think some people - men and women alike - are just a lot worse at simply getting on with it and coping than others. I used to have a male manager whose wife, while on maternity leave with her second child, would make him take the day off work if his older child was off school with a cold because she couldn't manage a five-year-old with a cold as well as the baby. I don't have kids myself, but all the women in our team (especially the two single mums) used to roll their eyes at the idea that this would need two adults to manage.

This is so true. I have had multiple male colleagues over the years who have had a sahw and/or a wife who works very part time. I have never had a female colleague in that position.

im a single mum and just have to make it work. Yet single mums are seen as feckless and a drain on society whereas single dads are heroes who are “being mum and dad”.

He’s probably just complementing his wife and showing he values her. They’ve made their choices that work for them snd are happy with them, so it’s only natural.

Do you have any help from family???
And yes, even “gp picks the dcs the odd time or has them the odd week in the summer is very much help. I’m not disagreeing with you but something I’ve seen on here and in RL is that parents with support literally have no idea how difficult it is to have none /zero. Me and my dh juggle everything together with work and it’s very very challenging and all our kids are older . Maybe they have very little support, maybe like us childcare is extremely limited where we live , very limited wraparound etc .
You just never know other’s experiences

I said to my husband from the outset if you think I am being the default parent dream on!
We are both default but at different times. He is a teacher so all holiday childcare and sickness (he is easier to cover than me) falls to him. I am more present in term time.
Bedtimes, night duty and housework are shared.

She didn't say he didn't parent after he finished work. Which is perfectly reasonable given the nature of his job. Her colleague sounds pathetic and chooses not to parent when he could. Do you think her colleague should help out now and then. It will probably put a smile on his child's face. It will probably help him get to know his own child.

She said she is the default parent. So the exact thing she is accusing her colleague of. People in glass houses....

Wow some huge assumptions here 🤣 so now he doesn't know his child because he appreciated that his wife works part time and does the bulk of childcare and the pick ups.

unfortunately very true. Suddenly the wife who has been indispensable supporting his career becomes a leech who has just been sitting at home doing nothing, and now wants to take half of 'his' assets.

I was in work training with a wife in a part time admin job whereas I am a senior professional. She was complaining that her DH was always "told by his manager" to work in XYZ bid over Christmas. I gave her short shrift and told her that at our level (mine and her DH) the manager does not have the right to do that and he had decided to participate in the bid etc. (or, he had not prioritised before Christmas) and he should be saying no and actually being a Dad at Christmas.

Perhaps that flexibility is facilitated by the OP taking the piss when she is supposed to be working. Her male colleague may be more conscientious.

However, we don’t know because the OP has so far chosen to ignore several direct questions on how she manages her childcare

Yep! Based on the information we have so far, the only difference between these two families is that one of the women does longer hours at her paid job.

I'm not of the view that anyone needs to explain or defend whatever their balance is. But if, like some posters on this thread, you do think that, having a job that means the other parent is effectively obliged to be the 'default' is as much up for criticism and discussion as anything else.

It literally says that he wants to get to know his child in one of the OP's posts:

'he then went on to explain how his wife was going away for a few days and how he was going to start going with her to pick up the son and spend a bit more time with him, so he gets used to him'