Male colleague needs part time working mum to take care of 1 child

[colleg]

I was talking to a colleague recently and it came up that we both had sons who are 3 years old. I also have a 5 year old daughter.

my colleague was saying that he could never do the job ( the same job I do ), if his wife didn’t work very very part time around the needs of their 3 year old.

I was pretty shocked he said that to me. Isn’t it funny how a man can take such huge liberties and convince his wife that she can’t possibly work full time / she has to be the full time default parent for their 1 child, while there’s a woman standing next to him, who has two kids, does the same job as him and is also the default parent !

and before you start, no the child does not have special needs. It really does seem that this colleague needs his wife’s support to do the job I do, with two kids in tow.

it’s a high pressured job, but it’s a desk job. We aren’t going out to fields, farming the land or working in construction. We aren’t nurses or doctors on shift work. We have a 9-5 desk job in essence. And we also work from home, for most of the week.

How dare op go up against a man and question him. She obviously doesn't know what she is doing and is taking the piss in her job. Not him he doesn't hide behind his job to avoid child care. Poor sod will have to get to know his son shortly.

I’m with you @colleg he’s a man child, just wants another mum to pair his socks. He probably thinks of it as ‘status’ enhancing to have children & a p/t working wife. She probably enables this thinking too. There was a painful woman at my DS primary school who openly said that she’d had five kids to “show that we can afford them, and get a big car, and I can’t possibly work as well”.

I wish women would realise that a (vast?) majority of men have no interest in children.

Perhaps those that don't shouldn't agree to have children.

No disagreement from me.

That's why a lot of women run around them and make excuses.

I’m confused about how their working hours makes a differende? Wouldn’t the child just be in childcare? she must be doing all the house stuff basically and he can’t fathom doing any of that around a 9 to 5?

I think it does work well for some women but they will invariably be doing the bulk of the childcare and housework so I don’t think they’re shirking. In my opinion, there are 2 types of adult responsibilities in a household - earning money and childcare. How couples decide to split these roles is a personal choice - but the burden should be equal or one party will end up resentful.

What you see a lot of men these days getting away with is working a relatively low-paying inflexible job whilst their higher earning wife takes on the bulk of childcare (and housework) around her higher-paying more flexible job. These men are not doing their fair share. Maybe because they don’t want to step up in their jobs but they think housework is emasculating?

Im not saying OP is in this scenario (don’t have any details to suggest this) - but it is becoming increasingly common. And it does create huge resentment & unhappiness.

Your friend’s child is very lucky to have such a hands on, involved parent.

I’m a woman and I have worked difficult busy professional jobs and I spent some time looking after my two young kids after I got made redundant. I don’t think people are necessarily shirking but there’s definitely less pressure on women to work and earn money (and equally less pressure on men to look after children and home). A city job (I did one) it’s invariably much longer hours and harder work than childcare. Yet lots of women think that they earn half their dh salary because they “facilitated his career”. Yet he will have female colleagues with no sahp doing the same job.

people can absolutely make their own choices. But my issue is double standards- if it’s alright for women not to work then it’s alright for men. Same with childcare- we shouldn’t expect women to manage everything while men can’t do the basics

That's pretty pathetic, tbh.

Completely agree.

There is a lot of pressure on men to be the ‘breadwinner’ as well as women to love looking after kids entirely and to want to be a SAHp.

DH and I have always gone halves on both, neither of us have ever been high earners by mumsnet standards but we’ve been able to maximise basic rate tax, not paid much higher rate and both have good pensions as a result.

I personally dislike a lot of the women as ‘victims’ rhetoric also, I think women should agree what life will look like before having kids and not stand for shite off blokes.

Yeah I try to not touch my child as much as possible hands off is what I’m aiming for 🙄----

Yes you do. You are judging this man and his wife and the choices they have made. Does this mean you are uncomfortable with your life choices? Do you envy his wife perhaps, or envy him because he has the support of his wife.
Your attitude is so typical of Mumsnetters who are quick to say they don’t care about something or are not judging when what they are really saying is “Aren’t people stupid for not being just like me?”

At university a male I knew had his mother type up all his essays. Couldn’t do that himself apparently. Some people are very good at delegating work that other people just take in their stride as a normal part of life.

We had one of those
He walked around the room dictating his thesis whilst mum typed it all up.
He could do it he was just a lazy so and so and his mum clearly wasn’t bothered being treated like a doormat.

Because my husband essentially does work on fields or similar and isn’t physically there to do a lot of things. Whereas I have a desk job and I have way more flexibility. And no, my husband isn’t doing a number on me. It’s unfortunately the nature of his work.

You're saying the same thing he is then!! The difference is he isn’t using his wfh etc to do childcare or pick ups. I have childfree friends who would go a bit mad with your attitude to be honest as they feel their wfh is in jeopardy because of parents using it to collect kids

how is she saying the same thing? She does the same job as this man. She knows, very well, what he is doing, and whether he could flex. She knows what her dh is doing and what flex there is in it, and that its different from this colleagues job. My dhs job he needs to be there in person supervising others building things so there is less flex in work location than there is for my corporate job. If a man is doing my job then I do know how much flex he can take and it’s a lot more than my husband.

You don't know what sort of support network this family has.
If it's only the two of them.doing everything,possibly.

So maybe he can't cope as well as you. You're describing my home situation except I'm a full time SAM. Everyone is different it didn't mean he's some lazy incompetent lamewad. Also, hidden disabilities are a thing.

thanks, I was feeling surprised about these comments! I am freelance and we pay all the available pension money into DH pension scheme at the moment because his employer has a generous matching scheme. I was starting to wonder if I had missed something.