Male colleague needs part time working mum to take care of 1 child

[colleg]

I was talking to a colleague recently and it came up that we both had sons who are 3 years old. I also have a 5 year old daughter.

my colleague was saying that he could never do the job ( the same job I do ), if his wife didn’t work very very part time around the needs of their 3 year old.

I was pretty shocked he said that to me. Isn’t it funny how a man can take such huge liberties and convince his wife that she can’t possibly work full time / she has to be the full time default parent for their 1 child, while there’s a woman standing next to him, who has two kids, does the same job as him and is also the default parent !

and before you start, no the child does not have special needs. It really does seem that this colleague needs his wife’s support to do the job I do, with two kids in tow.

it’s a high pressured job, but it’s a desk job. We aren’t going out to fields, farming the land or working in construction. We aren’t nurses or doctors on shift work. We have a 9-5 desk job in essence. And we also work from home, for most of the week.

Can I just ask a couple of things - you said your job is a high pressured job - so how can he be at the pub at 5pm? Or are you talking about it more generally?

and also in your line of work/company if you were both up for a promotion who would get it? - do you think you would both be considered in the same manner?

maybe it meant that his life would be very different and much harder than it is now.

Yes the woman gave up her income and independence, making a huge sacrifice, while the man continues to build his independence, agency, employability and otherwise advancing himself. She's entirely dependant and held years back.
She essentially paying what 20k, 40k, 60k, 150K a year in order to work part time or as with others stay at home by giving up her earnings and not sufficiently or at all supporting herself or her kids.
Many people would do anything not to work but women are pretty much expected to give up their financial independence away while men are never expected to do so. Thankfully many women aren't buying into this scam anymore.

Ah but man jobs are different, you see.

I still remember reading 2 concurrently running threads on MN. In one, poster was saying she does all the pick ups and drop offs and sick days, because husband cannot, due to his job.
In other, poster said she does it all - she has more flexibility, due to her job.
Yes, it was the same job. Has flexibility when done by a woman, but none when done by a man.

Well you need an adult or adults to facilitate it by providing childcare. Either paid or one of the parents.
In the case op mentions they've chosen for it to be the wife.
OP says "the job I do, with two kids in tow." as if she is looking after them while working at her desk. I doubt it. She probably has another adult or adults facilitating it.

Why did he have those kids?

I'm assuming this is a red herring as he'd see his child in the weekend. The fact she's going away for the weekend means she feels she can

Would you not find life much easier with a partner picking up loads of childcare and household stuff while you work FT though? He does, and he’s honest about it, rather than (as many men do) saying as the ‘breadwinner’ he’s enabling her to stay at home.

I actually like that reframing: she’s enabling him to work by staying home.

Why does anyone who works have kids?

All my female friends who work FT have A LOT of family help.

So it's true their husbands generally don't drop their career and work less to help Financially it would make 0 sense anyway, a family living off a maternity leave pay is not reasonable, and it would put far too much pressure on the mum to go back to work earlier than she is ready

But the point is, I don't know anyone working full time without support. You can't be in 2 places at once. You can't do 2 things well at the same time.

It's a not a man vs woman thing. Nursery is easy enough, they cost but at least they are open full time pretty much every single day of the year. School is just not the same.

Yes, we both work part time so not relevant to us but one of my pet hates is blokes who want it both ways when it comes to this sort of stuff.

Its only a scam if you're dumb enough to want to be 'independent' and insist on separate finances. If you have a joint bank account and joint assets then the woman is the one better off

Because he wanted children.

Your question is like when people ask working mothers why they “bother to have kids if they pay people to lool after them”.

You can want children and also not want to be the primary parent.

And if you never separate, and were a low paid worker.

What does it matter as long as both partners are happy with their arrangement?
People stick their noses into other folks’ lives far too much.

Well he could do even better in his career if he’s supported. Assuming all money goes into the family pot. It’s logical to do this. Men have less barriers vs women to earn more money

He might 'see' his child at the weekend but considering he made that comment, it sounds as if his wife still does the majority of the parenting then.

This is exactly the reason why men have less barriers though and things will likely not change any time soon. Women often have to compete with men who have wives at home who are the default parent.

Her picking up from nursery may involve massive piss taking on her part given that she would need to absent herself at a certain time on those days from her high pressure ‘9-5’ job.

People across the country are being forced back into the office kicking and screaming because they are perceived to have ripped the piss when it came to the flexibility of home working. OP’s colleague could just be more conscientious than her, esp since his wife is only working part-time and his is possibly/probably the main income.

Thats a big ‘maybe’, but OP declined to clarify her childcare arrangements so we don’t know.

I get it, OP; every couple makes an excuse about why the woman is the default parent - the man earns too much (so must prioritise his career), the man earns too little (so must work more hours to earn more), the woman’s job is too high-pressured (so must be given up), the woman’s job doesn’t earn enough (so can be sacrificed).

But you’re doing exactly the same in your relationship. Your husband’s ’field
job’ means it just makes more sense for you to be the default parent. You can bet that if you had the field job and your husband had your job, you’d be expected to go part time/change to something more flexible so you husband could carry on his desk based job unimpeded. Much like your colleague.

Op presumably has childcare hours which finish after she finishes work, unless the mum finishes after him on the days she works then it makes no sense waiting for him to collect the child. Considering he's 3 he may well be in a school preschool that opens from 9-3.

I work part time to avoid needing childcare, DH looks after the DC whilst I'm at work 3 nights a week doing "very very very part time" work (24 hours, so 11 hours less than DH...)
During that time DH does their baths, reading, gets the older DC and toddler to sleep and tidies up.
He never does school pick up because hes at work, hardly makes him an awful parent 😂

Well who has your children while you are at work OP - presumably the younger one (3?) is in childcare?

You wouldn't be able to do your job without this childcare. Fact.

His family don't use childcare. The wife is there instead. So, just as you couldn't do your job without paid childcare, he wouldn't be able to do his job if his wife wasn't with his child in the day.

It's just a simple and obvious statement of fact.

Hold on, what about women without children? Or with nannies, or with a mother living at home (I can thing of at least 2 professional married women who live with their own mum also!)

Of course someone who is solely focus on their career is a big competition for someone who is choosing family life.

It's fair.

I’m curious at who is the higher earner in OP’s relationship. And also the division of labour within the household outside of pick-ups and drop-offs.

She works full-time in a high pressure, 9-5 job.
She admits to being the default parent.
Her husband can’t do the drop offs and pick ups because of his field-adjacent job.

If OP is working full-time, doing the majority of the grunt work AND is the higher earner to boot, I’d much rather be her colleague’s wife in that situation. Her part-time working hopefully at least allows her some down time away from it.

Everyone is different; every family is different.

I think this pretty much nails it.