Male colleague needs part time working mum to take care of 1 child

[colleg]

I was talking to a colleague recently and it came up that we both had sons who are 3 years old. I also have a 5 year old daughter.

my colleague was saying that he could never do the job ( the same job I do ), if his wife didn’t work very very part time around the needs of their 3 year old.

I was pretty shocked he said that to me. Isn’t it funny how a man can take such huge liberties and convince his wife that she can’t possibly work full time / she has to be the full time default parent for their 1 child, while there’s a woman standing next to him, who has two kids, does the same job as him and is also the default parent !

and before you start, no the child does not have special needs. It really does seem that this colleague needs his wife’s support to do the job I do, with two kids in tow.

it’s a high pressured job, but it’s a desk job. We aren’t going out to fields, farming the land or working in construction. We aren’t nurses or doctors on shift work. We have a 9-5 desk job in essence. And we also work from home, for most of the week.

Is it really a man thing though? I also couldn't do it, and I'm a woman. I think maybe this is an individual thing whether someone is capable of it or not... It's just that women are more expected to be able to manage it, whereas men arnt.

He is just incompetent I don't buy into all that men can't multitask bs they just don't "have" to so they don't

Is it possible you have misinterpreted it and he was saying it in a positive, supportive way? Maybe his wife has chosen to work part time and he's giving her credit for her contribution to the family by saying that her taking on that role makes his life easier. It could be her choice and he is supporting her in that choice, rather than your interpretation that he's convinced her she needs to do it that way?

I know some families that operate with both parents having very minimal downtime between both parents working long hours and parenting. Me and DH would hate this ourselves, everyone is different. As long as the kids are cared for and the labour is fairly split I don't see anything wrong in being honest about what works for your family.

I'm always puzzled that a lot of men think this.

My ex was determined I should stay at home with DS while he worked, despite having discussed my return to work before we had DS.

When I went back to work full time, he was adamant it was impossible. Then when I got fed up of him refusing to do his share of anything, and DS & I left, he tried to starve me back, again assuming I couldn't possibly cope without his funding.

He was wrong on all counts. 😁 I think a lot of men are just lazy..

Yeah listen guys, I’m the first to say that if this is what works for them - I have no issue at all. I also don’t have an issue with the wife staying at home. I just found it interesting to be framed that he needs his wife’s support so much - for his big important job- which is the same job I do.

Well who looks after your DC while you are at work?

If his wife is a minimum wage earner then it maybe doesn't make sense for her to pay for childcare..
There is also commute to be considered. Hour commute means childcare from 8am to 6pm

So many other factors to consider, different strokes for different folks.

Did you tell him that? Be interesting to see how he reacts.

He pretty much said he could not do his job if his wife didn’t do most of the taking care of the child.

he then went on to explain how his wife was going away for a few days and how he was going to start going with her to pick up the son and spend a bit more time with him, so he gets used to him.

this guy has a fucking desk job guys. Works from home most of the week, what and he’s never picked his son up from nursery ? Give me a break.

Fwiw, we have a 4 yo (not at school yet) and a 1 yo and we both work full time and I'm the highest earner. If his wife is happy to go part time ( I would if I could keep the same salary or if my partner earned loads) but it would be for my own benefit, not solely to prop my partner's career.

What do you do with your 3 year old while you're at work?

Dh and I couldn't have met dd's needs aged 3 if both of us had been working full time. No diagnosed SEN. That came a few years later. I just spent several years thinking I was failing because I couldn't make full time work work when other parents around me could. It has had a huge impact on my self esteem and mental health and it's taken years for me to get back to anywhere near where I was in my pre kids career. Comments like yours would have made me feel even worse at the time.

Not all parents can have it all, even if the male partner is totally on board with sharing the load. Not everyone is walking through the world in the same way as you.

Jesus fucking Christ, "to get used to him"?!?!?!?! This is so wrong! What was your reaction? I couldn't have hidden my shock and horror to this!

,Surely its just different people accept with and cope with different things? I don't think its specifically a male thing.

Me and dh both work full time and have kids, I have had female relatives/friends say they couldn't possibly work full time with kids, even though their partners are happy and supportive of them doing so.

Youre speaking about the wife as if she has no agency or responsibility for her situation too ( "it funny how a man can take such huge liberties and convince his wife that she can’t possibly work full time / she has to be the full time default parent for their 1 child,...") TThats quite a passive way to talk about her...If she isn't happy with the set up then surely its up to her to say that and take some responsibility for suggesting changes to the situation. I feel like maybe I'm missing the point you are trying to make.

How do you know he convinced her? Did he actually say she wanted to work FT and he didn't want her to? Maybe he was just trying to give her credit for juggling a job and being the primary carer. Maybe they just don't want their 3yo in childcare for too long and she doesn't earn much, it would make sense for her to reduce her hours if that's the case.

I'd say possibly it also depends on his/their future plans. Is he angling for promotion or a transfer? My husband has climbed the ladder pretty quickly and he knows he couldn't have done that without me being at home for the kids, which was made as a joint decision.

Why are you the default parent?

You don’t get it. I’m not judging the choice as such, but I don’t agree with the way he’s framed it.

I wonder how many men frame their job this way, when actually they’re down the pub at 5 with their colleagues every night after work ‘ doing business ‘. That’s what I mean.

i don’t care about people working or not working.

No parents have it all
We both work full time with 2 kids, but we dont have it all (cue £2k nursery fees a months, no holiday away, even in the UK, budgeting absolutely everything, no new clothes for months or years for us,...)

Because my husband essentially does work on fields or similar and isn’t physically there to do a lot of things. Whereas I have a desk job and I have way more flexibility. And no, my husband isn’t doing a number on me. It’s unfortunately the nature of his work.

Well, someone has to look after the 3 year old.
You either pay someone (nursery, child care, nanny etc), or one out of a couple stay at home / work part time

I get it Op.

Yeah I have a 9-5 desk job but it’s pretty intense and I’m fucking shattered most of the time.

My colleague is constantly whining how hard it is with one child and she’s forever leaving the office early or not coming in because of childcare related bullshit (not planning in advance) and the cries just fall on deaf ears because here I am doing it with three kids.

Financially I’ve got no choice but to work. And I’ve had the “oh but I don’t know how you do it” comments and the answer is, I have to.

What are his wife’s PT hours - do you know? If she’s scheduled her work hours so that she can always do pick ups and drop offs, then it would make sense that she, er, does do all the pick ups and drop offs.

Well I guess you’re just so much better than him? Is that what you need to hear?

That said, whatever the family work set up, it should never be an excuse for either mum or dad to opt out of parenting.

Ah you guys don’t get it. He’s pretending to be so extremely busy, he can’t possibly pick up his kid from nursery. I know the truth behind his job and I think it’s ridiculous. He could help out more !