Male colleague needs part time working mum to take care of 1 child

[colleg]

I was talking to a colleague recently and it came up that we both had sons who are 3 years old. I also have a 5 year old daughter.

my colleague was saying that he could never do the job ( the same job I do ), if his wife didn’t work very very part time around the needs of their 3 year old.

I was pretty shocked he said that to me. Isn’t it funny how a man can take such huge liberties and convince his wife that she can’t possibly work full time / she has to be the full time default parent for their 1 child, while there’s a woman standing next to him, who has two kids, does the same job as him and is also the default parent !

and before you start, no the child does not have special needs. It really does seem that this colleague needs his wife’s support to do the job I do, with two kids in tow.

it’s a high pressured job, but it’s a desk job. We aren’t going out to fields, farming the land or working in construction. We aren’t nurses or doctors on shift work. We have a 9-5 desk job in essence. And we also work from home, for most of the week.

Indeed. This is all rather personalised. If you're confident the 2 x FT working model and your current distribution of childcare is right for you, it shouldn't concern you that another family feel differently about how it would work in their lives. And if you feel your current arrangement is not in fact optimum for you, that's got nothing to do with other people's work/childcare/earning balance either.

I totally get it OP, my DH would rather say he had a Dr’s/dentist appointment than “admit” to having to pick up DC from childcare - on the very rare occasion I absolutely couldn’t. Yet if he wanted to finish early for something he wanted to do then it would be no issue. I’m resentful tbh. I’ve used the term “working parents not just working Mum” more than once.

His wife may well wake up to this, if you can juggle collecting DC’s from nursery then so can he. I’ve worked with men staying late just to avoid DC care, their DW all oblivious, yet me, a working parent managed to out perform them, collect DC, do dinner/bath time etc.

But how do you know she doesn't prefer to be at home?
I used to have a big, well paid job, double six figures but when the kids came along I was happy to go part time to have more flexibility. Yes, I enjoyed being there to pick up / drop off from pre-school/school but it was equally for me. I love having time to slow down, have more time with my elderly parents and go for walks or coffee weekdays. May sound as if I'm not pulling my weight but I do virtually everything around the house.

I could go back and we could have had a nanny or used nurseries and probably had more and better holidays, but I love to slow the pace down (I'm now in my late 50s). Wouldn't have it any other way and my husband is fine with this set up but absolutely driven all by me.

Presumably his DC finishes nursery earlier than your DC finish childcare considering she's part time, why would he take time out of work to collect his DC when they've set up their family so that mum is available to collect the DC?

What he's doing is looking at their current set up, that he's going to have to adapt to for a few days, and saying it doesn't work with his work hours. Which it obviously doesn't because the DC won't be in childcare from 8-6 every day like they are with 2 parents working.

She is judging the guy not understanding what he is saying and to whom. It doesn't sound like he was complimenting OP because she manages something he could not.

Ops husband is a farmer he doesn't have a nice suit and tie office job. Farming is more physically demanding and longer hours of work. He can't do drop offs or pick ups. I suppose he's responsible for feeding the ungrateful nation.

Where did OP say her DH is a farmer? And since when are farmers incapable of sharing parenting duties? Absolute nonsense that a farmers wife must be the default parent like OP is.

The model is her job is looking after the children and being chained to the sink and his job is working 9 to 5 at home or in the office. What a life that is. My partner was like her colleague cocky little fucker. It's as if some men don't grow up and develop properly away from their mothers tit.

Add to that, some people find juggling in general extremely difficult and that isn’t a gender thing. The female CEO off where I now work has openly said she wouldn’t have the career she has now if her husband wasn’t a SAHP when her children were young.

@Franpie

I think this is an excellent point that some people miss. There is too much assuming everybody is the same, we all have the same capabilities and can all juggle to the same extent. My sister-in-law has managed to combine motherhood with becoming partner in a law firm. I could never do that.

Maybe the language is hyperbole that when people say they could not do something, they probably technically could but would find it extremely challenging. And it’s not just men which is why so many mothers prefer to go part-time.

I could never combine full time work and motherhood. Not without being incredibly stressed and exhausted the whole time.

@collegis their child in childcare the same hours as yours?

She works full time as well but her work is flexible. She mentions it in one of her updated posts that he's a farmer. She said she is the default parent. She does the same job as her colleague but he doesn't want to do any childcare. That's what she was questioning they both have the same flexibility. Where as her husband works long hours on the farm and there's no flexibility for him.

The man in question sounds pathetic. If he works from home 9-5pm he could surely be doing some or even all of the pickups and either cooking dinner or spending time with his child after nursery (assuming the child goes to a private nursery with the usual opening hours rather than a school based preschool type place).

When one parent commutes or works shifts then the other parent needs a much more flexible job (or outside help). I do think a lot of families where both parents are working full time feel constantly stressed with very little free time and only just managing to keep on top of things.

I work on an area where the higher up jobs are very male dominated and many women chose not to have children. Most successful people in the job travel a lot for work and work well outside their contracted hours which can be tricky to manage with young kids unless you are one of those people that don't need much sleep. It is certianly easier to do the job if the other partner has a more relaxed job. I have chosen to remain on a lower career rung as I don't want to be working extra hours.

Read it again, she doesn't say he is a farmer.
If it's ok for her DH to delegate parenting to his wife, why does she a problem with her colleague doing the same?

hmm, perhaps I'm wrong but I've had similar conversations over my long career and what the man means is that he's 100% focused on his job and so better at it than the full time woman colleague doing exactly the same role but who must be frazzled and less productive because she also has many caring responsibilities....but perhaps I'm being cynical

OP you sound quite patronising to be honest.

Indeed, farming is generally very irregular hours and is also seasonal so never doing anything is ridiculous. Maybe during lambing or harvest it’s gonna be hard but not all the time.

Sadly, he sounds like a useless father if he hasn't got to know his own 3 year old son while doing a 9-5 desk job, mostly from home. Sad for the son, his wife, and ultimately for him.

This is what she said "Because my husband essentially does work on fields or similar and isn’t physically there to do a lot of things. Whereas I have a desk job and I have way more flexibility. And no, my husband isn’t doing a number on me. It’s unfortunately the nature of his work."

This is what I found in regards to the types of field work.

There's no one 'the model' and both women that the OP is discussing have jobs.

I'd see it as a positive that he values his wife and recognises that her contribution to the childcare supports his career. Being a good parent and a good employee working full time is not easy, for some it isn't possible and something has to give or they burnout.

I know people who works in fields and aren’t farmers.

He may be, but farming is hardly the only job involving field work.

Did you miss the "or similar". Could be absolutely anything.
And it still isn't an excuse to abdicate parenting to your spouse. A career path is just as much a choice as working part time or staying at home is.

I am mistaken very, very, very part time work or else the house will fall apart without her looking after their 3 year old. Come on don't defend the man he can pick up now and then if he wanted to. If op can do it so can he.

Well it's nothing new is it OP? I don't get why you're so surprised.

"Lazy, entitled man leaves all wifework/childcare to wife who also works part time whilst he just has to do a fairly mediocre job and comes home to dinner on the table etc" - shock, horror!

Haven't you been on MN for very long?

I think that when you have to make it work, you do. When you don't have to, you have the option not to.

But yes, I remember having a work meeting with a man who was 'working late' so he didn't have to go home and help his wife with their twins' bedtime.