Male colleague needs part time working mum to take care of 1 child

[colleg]

I was talking to a colleague recently and it came up that we both had sons who are 3 years old. I also have a 5 year old daughter.

my colleague was saying that he could never do the job ( the same job I do ), if his wife didn’t work very very part time around the needs of their 3 year old.

I was pretty shocked he said that to me. Isn’t it funny how a man can take such huge liberties and convince his wife that she can’t possibly work full time / she has to be the full time default parent for their 1 child, while there’s a woman standing next to him, who has two kids, does the same job as him and is also the default parent !

and before you start, no the child does not have special needs. It really does seem that this colleague needs his wife’s support to do the job I do, with two kids in tow.

it’s a high pressured job, but it’s a desk job. We aren’t going out to fields, farming the land or working in construction. We aren’t nurses or doctors on shift work. We have a 9-5 desk job in essence. And we also work from home, for most of the week.

You see it here all the time. Women saying they had to stay at home to facilitate men’s careers. It’s baffling. A man with a big job can still do well in his career without another adult facilitating it.

I just think ( especially ) men, like to hide behind having the big important job - especially if they make more money and then opt out of a lot of home and child related things because of it. In this case, I have a behind the scenes view and find it quite outrageous.

But this was obviously a decision to facilitate his career and job? So if he was to frame it when talking to colleagues he would probably be like " yeah colleg does the pick ups/bedtime when I'm onsite..." And he wouldn't be able to manage that without you...same as your colleague really.

This is just what families do to manage the day to day work and childcare

This is what I mean but so many posters aren’t getting it.

I think that was effectively what he was trying to say to her in the first place!

Can you imagine the reaction if someone tried to imply they were better than her?

Tbh I privately think like this but not just of men, normally when women say they couldn’t possibly work more than 2 days a week or a couple of mornings because they have a toddler and it’s ‘impossible’, I just think how? This morning I’ve washed a few pots, fed cat ,chucked a wash in, sat with my toddler and other half for a bit with a coffee, he then left for work ten mins ago, I’ve hoovered the lounge and about to shower and get dressed for work, will dress toddler and be out the house for 7.50am. One of my friends, shes lovely, we have kids same age but she’s up at 5 with the toddler, got ‘sensory trays’ and ‘role play’ set up for her to play with almost immediately upon waking, basically follows the kid round tidying after her, counts down to nap time to do a wash, dishwasher, hoover etc then is out doing shopping or a playgroup or whatever in afternoon and she literally says she doesn’t know how she’d work. Plus 3 meals and snacks all cooked from scratch plus the clean up that involved, because if she doesn’t she feels guilty - so much pressure to basically base your every minute around the whim of a toddler, She just makes life hard for herself IMO! I always make sympathetic noises but also I find parenting my little one quite easy plus working, there’s just one of her and people do it with 3/4 kids every day. My friends toying with the idea of putting her dc in nursery one day when they turn 3 but she is wracked with guilt about it , she wants a day to ‘be able to catch up with the house’ . Maybe I’m a slatternly mess but how many hours a week do we really need to be cleaning and setting up bloody role play areas ?!

We can ‘get’ it without necessarily agreeing with you, or at least, that this is a good example of a particular phenomenon.

Did he convince his wife to stay home or did she want to? Perhaps she is perfectly happy staying home. You sound very jealous to me. People adapt to the situation they are in. I'm sure at one time you would have thought you would not be able manage either.

Maybe his wife actually likes spending time with the children? Maybe it was a mutual decision between them that he works full time and she does part time? Maybe they didn't want to send their children to nursery or pay for a nanny full time? I don't see what their situation has to do with yours.

While I’m not denying that this happens, there is also denial from the other team if you like that sometimes decisions are made for the good of the family as a whole.

Honestly, I think both parents approaching parenting on an entirely equal footing might be fairest but can mean both lose out on promotions and their careers compromised (eg if both work part time). Sometimes it is most pragmatic for one to prioritise the career (usually the one who earns more) and the other to take a step back.

I get it.

You see it all the time on here. Women who are convinced their husbands have no flexibility at work / can’t finish at 5 to do pick up & make dinner etc. In reality the vast majority of desk/remote jobs expand or contract to fit the time available.

You're raging over something that's nothing to do with you.

What do you think your husband would say to a colleague? Could he do his job without you doing parenting?

Maybe it was a big compliment to you - him saying he doesn't know how you manage it when he couldn't.

Not agreeing with you, doesn't mean people don't 'get it' 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

you are BOTH outsourcing childcare. Just in different ways.

He just sounds useless TBH.

Not indicative of the majority at all!

I couldn’t work with a three year old either, what does the working day actually look like and where is the three year old? If the child is in nursery then fair enough.
Do you have flexi and he starts later, so would be unable to get all his hours in.
Does he find the job more difficult than you.

Are you worried he’s expressed this to other people and looks like he’s working harder than you are? or insinuating you aren’t working as hard as you could be as you have the to deal with the children.

haha, bingo, if a mother works she doesn’t like spending time with her children? Absolutely hilarious. Probably coming from someone who’s husband has an ‘important job’ and thinks no one could possible care for Araminta and Jacinta the way she can, whilst necking gin after bedtime and having zero financial security

You don’t seem to be answering the question about where your child is while you work.

Once I had kids everything I do or don’t do had - and still has - to be structured around them.

@colleg
I'm just going to go ahead and say what everyone is thinking; You are a lot better than your colleague certainly as a worker and probably as a parent and partner. Keep up the good work

I get it OP I’m very senior in a male dominated industry and see this all the time. I’m a lone parent and managed it so not sure what their excuse is. Weaponising a career to avoid parenting is quite disgraceful.

I bet he doesn’t contribute to his wife’s pension plan either.

I was wondering myself what this ‘flexibility’ entails…

Well, some don’t.

I don’t think that’s a bad thing, or that it means you aren’t a natural mother. My DS was hard work at 1-2 and I struggled to enjoy days with him. He’s now four, calmer and I can do a lot more with him.

Just because people don’t agree with you doesn’t mean they don’t get it!

I think it’s good to hear a working parent acknowledge how much easier their life is because of a stay at home parent. Too many times sahp is showed in a negative light of not doing enough!

You don’t really have a behind the scenes view. Maybe his earning potential is much higher than his wife’s and it makes sense for him to have less flexibility and work towards promotions and take time off in the week for pickup if his wife is only working minimum wage.