Always the last to be picked

[SansaStark90]

I don’t know if I’m feeling really sensitive or right to feel valid. I’ve been feeling very low on myself. Very. My family know this. I mentioned in passing to my mum I’d like a little tattoo to cover a scar. She said oh lovely idea. Then we had Sunday lunch with my brother who declared he was having a large tattoo on his arm. She said he’d look awful, begged him not to. I said well you didn’t mind when I said I wanted one. Bearing in mind me and my brother are in our 30’s. She said yeah, but he’s good looking. Meaning he’d spoil himself but must mean no chance of me spoiling myself. I went over this comment for now over three months.

Jump to Wednesday last week. A family member messaged my brother on social media. I’m not on it. Asking if he and I would like to come to see another family member perform at a large venue. Now everyone in my family know how down I am to the point of being suicidal and really struggling. So you’d think I’d be treated a little more gently. She said in the message which was forwarded to me, if my brother couldn’t make it. I should come along and join them. This event was in the next city. Having not been on any form of a night out other than meals I became excited and told him to message her id love to and for to text me the details. In the meantime, I ordered an outfit for next day delivery, booked my nails and lashes in and makeup for the Saturday the day of the event. Presuming as she’d asked and she was driving there, I’d be getting a lift.

So she text me. Tickets are available online. Brother has said he can’t make it due to working….i would have offered a lift but we have a car full (I had no idea and still think this was a lie as when I’ve heard of them going to these events, no mention of others attending.)

For one, heading there on my own where the nearest car park is a fifteen minute walk so I’d be walking to my car late at night in an unfamiliar city. And two, I just felt like she wanted my brother there. But not me. I felt small. Inferior. And unwanted. I’ve been very emotional about the whole thing since.

Listen, OP, my mum isn't that keen on me either. My sister is the golden child and I'm the scapegoat, and although these days my mum's nice enough to me and (probably) behind my back, the reality is she makes almost zero effort with me or my kids.

Such is life, though. You can't change people or make them like you, and ultimately, focusing on it endlessly only hurts you and not them. The only thing you can do is focusing on living the best life you possibly can. You don't have to forgive them but for your own sake you do need to move on. I'd consider therapy - and keep trying until you find a therapist you can actually connect with, as not all therapists are actually any good. Good luck.

Her mother said ‘ but he’s good looking’, there is a definite implication there that the brother is good looking and the OP is not?!?

All you ever want is your mother to love you. If your mum isn’t your cheerleader, then who will be

Agree

Thank you for understanding

Text and tell them that you’d still
love to come. But are wary of walking alone in a strange city late night. ask them now if they’ll walk you back to the car park? Or ask if u can pick up one of them and drive them there, so you have someone with you. Give these options to see their response

Please don't add extra words to my reply,

I said ' unkind ' not really unkind '

do you really want me to reply with each example ?

'You are clearly as cold as your mother as you’ve offered little sympathy to someone who has clearly been treated poorly by her family.'

do you believe the above is ' unkind ' or really unkind ' ?

• as that was the rest of your reply to the poster whom you commented re spelling

Liked I said. Attacked people fight or flight. I did feel a lack of sympathy about my mum, I concede I’ve been over sensitive about the cousin, and I’ve got a lot of stick for accepting an inheritance. I’ve been called a victim as though I revel in it. I’m looking for outside support as the one person I wanted it from, my mother, I never have nor I guess ever will, get it.

To be blunt OP, you're coming across quite entitled.

You feel entitled to your relatives treating you gently because you have been going through a hard time, but that's not their responsibility to treat you with kid gloves.

You feel entitled to a lift because you are nervous about walking 15 minutes in a different city. You're an adult woman, and despite previous bad experiences, an adult woman should be able to walk 15 minutes alone.

You're now saying that they are getting free tickets but you have to buy one, which you didn't mention in your OP, but maybe the free tickets are now all taken.

You feel entitled to Mumsnet to give you validation and tell you what you want to hear rather than honest opinions on the situation, but we're not your paid therapists or sycophants.

You're obviously in a bad place and are interpreting everything in the worst possible light and comparing it against your expectations, which are too high. You're not on SM so it was easier for them to contact your brother. There's no reason they would invite you "to be polite".

I totally understand the bit about your mother not being your cheerleader. My mother has told me she hates a specific thing about my appearance and projects that onto my boss and my landlord.

I’m sorry you have that experience also. I’ve had low self esteem my entire life due to it. All my friends mother’s talk about their daughters as they are the apple of their eyes. I wonder what that must be like. I think people underestimate it’s possibly the most important relationship you will have as it shapes you.

I didn’t mention the free tickets as I don’t care about paying for them - I just felt it was another way to point out, you are otherly and not with the group.

Not to mention the unusual use of punctuation. With all the unnecessary full stops. Halfway through a sentence

People in glass houses, etc.

There is a lack of empathy coming though in your posts OP.

You pull others up on SPAG but excuse the same thing in yourself because you're tired and upset.

You're blaming your poor mental health on why you are being mean to others on this post but don't seem to be able to make the correlation with your mother and why she is mean to you.

You expect your family to make extra allowances for you and treat you kindly and bear in mind the whole history of your life - your previous attack where you got significantly injured, your recent suicide attempt, but can't seem to put yourself in their shoes and emphasise why they might feel unhappy about one cousin getting a very large amount of money. It sounds like you inherited hundreds of thousands of pounds. Perhaps they are thinking 'SansaStark knows we're struggling to pay the mortgage/putting 3 kids through uni/DP has lost his job, she couldn't spare us a few grand?'

You're defending your uncle by saying 'nobody is entitled to money,' but don't seem to get that equally nobody is entitled to a lift just because they invited someone to an event.

Nothing you've said is wrong - your mother's comments were hurtful, nobody is entitled to money, the attack you suffered must have been traumatising - but very few people skip through life with no issues, I'm sure your cousins also have had struggles in their past. If you want people to be kind and go over and above to you have to extend the same courtesy back. Or accept you have a less close, acquaintance type relationship where they might invite you along to an event but won't issue you with a handwritten gilded invitation and chauffer you there and back.

It seems to me that you are (intentionally or not) looking for reasons to feel excluded. Maybe CBT might help you to realise how your thinking patterns are leading you to assumptions that back up the beliefs you already have about your place in the family, and to take responsibility for your own needs a bit more rather than relying on others to validate and reassure you.

Did she literally say it like that? 'Yes, but he's good looking?'

Or did she say 'yes but yours will be small and it's on your back where it will hardly be seen. His will be huge and all over his arm. No way of hiding it. Why would a good looking man risk doing something permanent that might look horrible?

Both ways mention that he's good looking, but with added context they have completely different meanings.

This invitation and night out is not really the problem, is it? I think you sound deeply unhappy and have struggled with this for a long time. Why don't you seek help, counselling, CBT or similar,? You will not change how you feel about yourself without help. Until you value yourself there's unlikely to be a change in how you perceive your family's attitude to you.
Good for you getting the inheritance. Clearly your uncle valued you and your visits! Ignore the sour grapes about your good fortune.

She said verbatim - yeah, but he’s good looking. My brother even text me after to say how uncomfortable this made him and he felt bad for me

I see you as truly so fortunate. You have had such an incredible stroke of luck being left so much money, you are set up for life independently.

Your mother is totally lacking in many ways, but you have a mother that listens and cares for you. She may make many mistakes but it sounds like she tries to take an interest in your tatoo/life.

You have cousins that invite you out and show interest in you - many of us simply have never had these relationships at all.

You appear to want to be seen as a victim with poor mental health, but I suspect your mental health would improve almost instantly if you could see all of your good fortune and your relationships in a different light.

You are currently being held back by your own negativity, and poor me complex, and you could achieve greater things still with some solid strategies and some gratitude and grace.

Let things wash over a little, don’t be so acutely ready to take offence - your life would become instantly easier.

If this is how you see your Cousins they are not part of your life, nor are you part of theirs - they clearly are part of your brothers life, so you perhaps just need to accept that and stop trying to 'force' them to provide validation and kindness you demand, whilst not giving any in return.

It’s simple. These people are not bringing happiness to you or your life. Just because you are related doesn’t mean you have to keep people in your life.

Go find your happiness and make a family of people that you love and who love you. Let go of the she said/ he said/ I wasn’t invited.

Just to say, as someone who has suffered for a lifetime being on the receiving end of very hurtful comments from my mother and comparitive statements around my siblings and myself, I hugely recommend looking into therapy. This will allow you to heal but also teach you how to find your worth. Your relationships with others will improve also and life will just feel better. I think your mother is a hurtful person, probably unintentionally, but it doesn’t mean it’s not hurting you horribly. There’s often a layer of mothers treating sons differently from daughters and being so much more critical of their daughters - I suspect there is a healthy dose of that going on here too. I suspect the cousin’s invite was not meant to be hurtful at all but when you are doom spiralling and in a bad place it becomes remarkably easy to find hurt. You are obviously a good person and a kind one - your uncle singled you out for just this reason. Please do start thinking about ways you can pull yourself out of the bad place you’re in and separate yourself from the hurt. I wish you all the very best.

I'm sure OP could say exactly the same thing about you. How nasty to kick someone who is already down. Says a lot about you.

OP isn't too down to criticise people's grammar in a really nasty way.

I’ve done it once, and like I’ve said. I felt attacked so wrongly attacked back. I’m sorry for that.

OP gently. Your feelings are not facts. You admit yourself that it’s hard to tell the difference in the depths of a period of depression.

you’re asking people here to validate that your feelings are facts. We can’t do that.

I really really think that some proper talking therapy, maybe in conjunction with some pharmaceutical support, could help you to move to a happier place.

I know therapy is scary. I know it’s easier to stay where we are stuck. But real change is only going to come from you.

sending you grit - you, and only you, can change this

All you ever want is your mother to love you. If your mum isn’t your cheerleader, then who will be?

Mine was a professional at putting me down for my entire, long life. Then she cut me out of her will.

Nice.