Always the last to be picked

[SansaStark90]

I don’t know if I’m feeling really sensitive or right to feel valid. I’ve been feeling very low on myself. Very. My family know this. I mentioned in passing to my mum I’d like a little tattoo to cover a scar. She said oh lovely idea. Then we had Sunday lunch with my brother who declared he was having a large tattoo on his arm. She said he’d look awful, begged him not to. I said well you didn’t mind when I said I wanted one. Bearing in mind me and my brother are in our 30’s. She said yeah, but he’s good looking. Meaning he’d spoil himself but must mean no chance of me spoiling myself. I went over this comment for now over three months.

Jump to Wednesday last week. A family member messaged my brother on social media. I’m not on it. Asking if he and I would like to come to see another family member perform at a large venue. Now everyone in my family know how down I am to the point of being suicidal and really struggling. So you’d think I’d be treated a little more gently. She said in the message which was forwarded to me, if my brother couldn’t make it. I should come along and join them. This event was in the next city. Having not been on any form of a night out other than meals I became excited and told him to message her id love to and for to text me the details. In the meantime, I ordered an outfit for next day delivery, booked my nails and lashes in and makeup for the Saturday the day of the event. Presuming as she’d asked and she was driving there, I’d be getting a lift.

So she text me. Tickets are available online. Brother has said he can’t make it due to working….i would have offered a lift but we have a car full (I had no idea and still think this was a lie as when I’ve heard of them going to these events, no mention of others attending.)

For one, heading there on my own where the nearest car park is a fifteen minute walk so I’d be walking to my car late at night in an unfamiliar city. And two, I just felt like she wanted my brother there. But not me. I felt small. Inferior. And unwanted. I’ve been very emotional about the whole thing since.

@TheLovelinessOfDemons yes. My whole life! One of my earliest memories - and I’m talking pre school - was him telling me I’d need to learn to clean and cook to keep a man as I would never get one on looks.

Now he needs a nursemaid he reins it in but if he thinks I’m ever going to forget, he’s in for another disappointment!

Sorry I have realised I need to really face it and stick to therapy. After what happened. I tried but I found it really painful. I also find it really hard to verbalise things I find painful. I can make a joke or play happy go lucky facade. Hard core honesty I bottle up and run for the hills

op, please just leave this thread. Mumsnet is known for being viciously unkind to people to make themselves feel better. Your not going to get any real advice.

I’m not being snarky but I didn’t say that. I said I resent the situation. All my family knew I benefitted in the will but not my brother. So I resent the fact he got away with no being cast as a villain. Whereas I wasn’t so lucky.

How were you legally able to give away half your inheritance if you were a child?

Yes, we have quite different situations and yours sounds worse. I’m glad you realised he was talking bollocks.

I think you try and rationalise or make excuses for why someone, your own mother, would make you feel that way. She’s since said it came out wrong, but it’s hard not to think, this is how my mother sees me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve replayed that comment and it’s consumed my inner belief system.

My parents and brother knew I was left his estate and then when I was old enough I gifted him half.

It makes sense that you don't really have a framework for what "normal" looks like. You know it's not what you grew up with. Then everywhere you turn you're faced with images of perfect, happy families having BBQs in summer and big feasts at Christmas and pulling together to love each other in between.

That's not real though. Mums are nearly always hypercritical and judgey, it seems to be something Boomer women think is their duty. Siblings often don't get on and if they do they grow apart. My husband is NC with his sister and parents. I've seen my brother once in 2025. He doesn't like me visiting him as he finds it stressful having visitors and he doesn't visit us as he doesn't like to leave his cats alone. I have my cousins on Facebook and occasionally we'll like each others posts. My auntie died last week, I hadn't seen her in over 20 years.

It sounds to be honest like you've got a lovely brother, extended family who spend time with you and invite you out with them, and a mum who occasionally makes snippy comments. As families go, that's not at all a bad deal. Having a shit childhood is casting a shadow over what you have now.

my goodness he must have paid a lot of tax on his gift.

Stay away from them because they are feeding on your low self esteem, which is of their making. You will feel so liberated if you no longer rely on them just to be constantly let down. Discover who you are.

How do you know she hasn't offered them kindness and support. This is a very vulnerable person who has clearly been through a lot.
You do not know what the OPs understanding of her Mother's struggles are. I'm sure she understands more about this than you do.

OP I agree with PinkChaires.

This thread is becoming a pile on, with snarky suggestions akin to gaslighting which can only make you feel worse,

Again, not snarky, just an observation, but you could be hurt by the talk of unblemished beautiful skin vs I can’t remember exactly how worded, but along the lines of unsightly scar. Because I have had lots of criticism, I try to be conscious of anything that may offend. I do recognise I need to work on this. I can’t let others opinions and comments affect me so deeply.

What an insightful and articulate response. I’ve never thought of it in those terms - I have been told, it’s been a “while” now, you should be over it, fine with going out at night, walking alone etc. I honestly don’t know if I ever will be, and maybe that’s ok? It was life changing event which has inevitably changed me and I can’t undo that.

Maybe that’s another issue with my mum, the gender role, as she seems to resent that I think so highly of an uncle. He was the one who offered me kindness and shelter, a safe space. Possibly makes her insecure that it should be her i revere.

I have tried to delete the thread is hidden but I’m new to this site

Mumsnet will remove it for you if you ask.

Wishing you all the best OP.. try to find someone to talk to in RL who will help you find some strategies to deal with this current situation.. and work from there. I'd bin the concert, its causing you too much stress... put it behind you and find something else, however small, to treat yourself to, to take your mind off it. See your GP to see if they have any advice.

I think if you press Report on your initial post OP, you will get through to someone who will delete it for you. As others have mentioned, the stately homes thread is a better place to post.

Sending virtual hugs 🫂 🤗 ❤️

SansaStark90, therapy can be very painful, because you're forced into facing things that you have kept tightly bottled up and buried for a long time. Opening up can bring things to the surface that you have long forgotten and that can be very difficult. But my personal experience is that, when you come out the other end of everything, it's worth the hard work and pain.

I wanted to edit my initial post with some little bits I backed out of writing

The jaw break is a massive issue. Ofcourse you have ptsd. It's a 'trauma'
So you likely have ptsd and cpsd.

People's brains literally change. Your not imagining it. Brain scans now show this.
And they can also go back under right circumstances. But even the ptsd probably affects your decision making / self trust and frankly compounds the childhood stuff. The brain 'shrinks' in trauma.

You should definitely get nhs help with this. The counciling will help.

If they found out you benefitted why did they not then find out you shared half with him?

If they don’t know already tell them

It was never like they asked me or my parents the plan for the money and it’s not something I’d blurt out, oh by the way, I did this with the money.

Respectfully, there you go again with the negativity. You could be happy your uncle valued you and left you a huge inheritance, but instead you’re focusing on the fact that your brother got half without the wider family knowing you had shared it, so isn’t the ‘villain’ in your cousins’ eyes.