Always the last to be picked

[SansaStark90]

I don’t know if I’m feeling really sensitive or right to feel valid. I’ve been feeling very low on myself. Very. My family know this. I mentioned in passing to my mum I’d like a little tattoo to cover a scar. She said oh lovely idea. Then we had Sunday lunch with my brother who declared he was having a large tattoo on his arm. She said he’d look awful, begged him not to. I said well you didn’t mind when I said I wanted one. Bearing in mind me and my brother are in our 30’s. She said yeah, but he’s good looking. Meaning he’d spoil himself but must mean no chance of me spoiling myself. I went over this comment for now over three months.

Jump to Wednesday last week. A family member messaged my brother on social media. I’m not on it. Asking if he and I would like to come to see another family member perform at a large venue. Now everyone in my family know how down I am to the point of being suicidal and really struggling. So you’d think I’d be treated a little more gently. She said in the message which was forwarded to me, if my brother couldn’t make it. I should come along and join them. This event was in the next city. Having not been on any form of a night out other than meals I became excited and told him to message her id love to and for to text me the details. In the meantime, I ordered an outfit for next day delivery, booked my nails and lashes in and makeup for the Saturday the day of the event. Presuming as she’d asked and she was driving there, I’d be getting a lift.

So she text me. Tickets are available online. Brother has said he can’t make it due to working….i would have offered a lift but we have a car full (I had no idea and still think this was a lie as when I’ve heard of them going to these events, no mention of others attending.)

For one, heading there on my own where the nearest car park is a fifteen minute walk so I’d be walking to my car late at night in an unfamiliar city. And two, I just felt like she wanted my brother there. But not me. I felt small. Inferior. And unwanted. I’ve been very emotional about the whole thing since.

So yet again, your behaviour is fine and should be accepted because of your history.... yet everyone else is just awful and dreadful?

Well, Op. Fortunately you lucked out with a lovely Uncle who made your younger days happier and with a brother who thinks of how you feel and knows the hardship of having a mother with mental illness.
Don't put too much store in the opinions of those whom you don't respect. (ie your cousins who ignore Uncle and you.)

You were generous to share your windfall from Uncle with your brother. Go about your life not worrying about your cousins so much. However I would take any invitation at face value and not try to read their intentions and reasoning. I would have still gone, driven there (hired an uber or asked them to drive me back to my car in the dark). I would have tried to get to know them better, had fun and thanked them for a beaut night.

Rarely are relationships completely simple and all rosy. It's normal to not feel really close to all relatives.
You need to make your own happiness, be comfortable in your own skin and live looking forward and focussed on a good furure.

I’m really sorry to hear that. I hope you were more resilient than I am and found a way to not let it affect you. Things I have been through I always try and think this too shall pass. But the criticisms, put downs - never pass. They haunt my inner confidence

Yes, lots of us have mothers who aren't our 'cheerleaders'. I would love it if mine were able to feel proud of me, but I need to accept that her own upbringing damaged her and made her the person she is, someone who never really grew up. I maintain as good a relationship with her as I can without wrecking my own peace of mind, and my friends and DH are my 'cheerleaders'.

I did not kick anyone, I stated an opinion. She answered a post with "my money, my choice" or something similar, I said that this was mean because it is mean, no matter how you put it she has no empathy for anyone who might feel a big rejected from their uncle's inheritance. I know she cared for him but still, the way it was said was not nice. Yet, she feels rejected for not getting a lift and she thinks people should just offer her a lift. Because. She wants us to understand her mental health but has no understanding and pick on a comment (which might have been mean, but, again, she is mental health aware) for her mum's mental health. Mean, I stand by it! I also followed with a kind post telling her to seek therapy. Stand by that as well.

My dm knows how to make me feel bad and is constantly criticising me. My only sibling, my younger db, died last year and obviously that hit us all hard. Just on Saturday she told me I was only saying ds was autistic because it's fashionable! Asked me if I was really divorced!! (She insists on sending me wedding anniversary cards) Also because ds will be coming home after he graduates next month I am tying him to my apron strings! Then just last week dd1's mil said how nice dm is - if only she knew.

My mother did it to me for years, until I started doing it back to her, then I went low contact with her to further drive the message through to her that If she continued that I would go full no contact, if your mother isn’t going to look out for you then you need to protect yourself from her and limit your contact severely, some women think they own their offspring and therefore they can speak to them however they wish

As someone who's got many visible tattoos on my arms there's a huge difference between a back tattoo and arms. The back will only be seen by relatives in certain occasions Vs an arm one which will be visible anytime the person's wearing short sleeves.

Based off the other replies, your mum seems to favour your brother? If that's the case she sounds like my mother. I cut her off a few months ago and am no contact with her now. If it's been a lifetime of these petty little comments and never being good enough, you ARE an adult and able to go no contact. I understand it is scary but it's all about your mental health and what's best for you. I may be misreading what you're saying though & if I am, apologies. Just speaking from my own experiences. Take some space from them all and just focus on your MH. The best thing I ever did for my own MH was blocking my mum.

Somewhere out there, the cousin is writing an AIBU along the lines of:

AIBU to give up on a relationship with my cousin? Background is a little tense - she got a substantial inheritance from our uncle, which she shared with her brother but not the other nieces and nephews. She says it’s because we never visited him, but the brother didn’t either…

I looked past that and have tried to maintain a relationship, but she makes no effort and never initiates anything. I invited her to an event at the weekend, which she accepted and I was pleased about.

However, I’ve just found out that she’s now complaining about me online, because my invite apparently wasn’t effusive enough and I didn’t offer to drive her there (in my already full car!). People are being kind to her, but she’s being rude and pedantic to them too.

I feel like nothing I do is good enough for her, and that she constantly seeks to position herself as the wronged party - despite being hugely favoured by our late uncle.

I think, SansaStark90, that you need to work out some of this stuff in therapy. I am no doctor, but having had similar experiences to you, I think that it's possible that the root of your feelings could be your attack and that you are not depressed, but suffer from complex ptsd, given your childhood experiences.

I don't know where you live, but I am aware that not every counsellor is a good match for an individual. In the UK, there is a tendency to send everyone for CBT counselling on the NHS, if they cannot afford to go privately and can wait long enough to be seen. But, I know from personal experience that CBT does not work for everyone and that an individual approach from a compatible counsellor works better.

Please give the therapy another go. I think that a good counsellor for you could help enormously.

Yes of course!! I have no idea why people are ignoring that part and focusing on the size of the tattoo!!

I think there's a lot more to this story and the relationship between you, your mum and your brother. I think that people are taking what you are saying at face value and this is because you're not conveying the dysfunction within your family because you don't understand it properly yourself. You've obviously not had the best childhood and it sounds like your brother is the golden child. Perhaps you need some therapy to try to figure all this out.

It does also sound like your family resent you for inheriting your uncles estate. Your uncle must have thought a lot of you so try to focus on that. My family think I'm a loser as well. I've spent the last two years caring for my mum and only being around family. My personality disappeared during that time and it's only just returning. So with that in mind, I would distance yourself from your family.

This - or this: "My 35-year-old adult daughter has always been very prickly and paranoid - I suffered badly with my mental health throughout her childhood, which impacted her hugely, but I am now well and have tried really hard to rebuild our relationship. She is jealous of her brother and I feel she is always looking for reasons to feel upset. Recently she even let herself into my house uninvited and spied on my private conversations!"

Why would they cover your ticket cost when you got a large inheritance from shared family and they did not ? And you’re arguing you shouldn’t have to share with cousins you hardly know. Do you ever consider that they’re trying to include you while you’ve quite firmly separated yourself from them..?

You can’t have it all ways. Many of us, myself included, had abusive mothers. It’s horrible and I sympathise with anyone who carries this pain but it does not give you free rein to attack anyone. You feeling yourself “attacked” by people giving you their realistic views on a situation after you specifically for those views.

This is AIBU not the “give me sympathy and zero criticism” forum. You should be open to objective viewpoints.

I’m always being left out of things. I’ve just come to accept that people are knobs.

I had always had sympathy for my mum. But when you have children, it’s not about you. You can’t have children then try to commit suicide multiple times and have your daughter do they cleaning, bathing of sibling. While you are so drugged up your forget to pick your children up from school.

She’s tried so hard to rebuild our relationship she calls me ugly and my brother good looking. Not to mention the rest.

Me and my brother have always just walked into the family home. I was stood talking to my dad and she clearly didn’t hear me, but I very much heard her. Is that spying?

Again. It wasn’t about the cost of the ticket. It was about another element of being excluded.

For those focusing on money it shows your characters. I wasn’t being mean or nasty about my money, my choice. I was stating a fact. It was left to me and I highly doubt they would have shared it with me. My grandma only saw this cousin two weeks of the year when her parents, my aunt and uncle went on holiday so she could have her dinner provided for her everyday.

I concede I have overreacted as I’m emotional about the event. She is twenty years older so we have don’t have a lot in common and that is that.

Again, “so she could have her dinner provided for her” is sounding a bit nasty.

The included you. You’re looking for reasons to feel excluded, while also justifying not including them in your own life. She’s older, you have nothing in common. Well they still invited you. But you haven’t been invited enough.

They could have bought you a ticket just so you can feel extra included but you shouldn’t have to share a single penny with them. You hardly even know them.

You’re not just being sensitive - you are being entitled.

"shows your characters"?! Could you be any more snide?

That must have been hard caring for your family. You are certainly not a loser as if it wasn’t for family carers, social care and the nhs truly would collapse. I alwahs marvel at the Asian culture, they are so close and intertwined and look after elders, I think it’s to be admired.

The therapist I saw said I was in denial about how bad things were and had been. I don’t consider myself a victim, I have a hard time facing up to what i have been through as it can be a hard pill to swallow.

So your grandma babysitted the cousin?

That was snide as that’s all some focus on. Money. Not. Ohhh. Must have been lonely for my uncle. No help. No company. If my family begrudge a child, which is what I was, spending all weekend with him for peace and security outside of the horror which was home, well shame on them.

Again: why are you spending so much time hanging out with your family when you're in your 30s and you don't even like them?

Well, you clearly begrudge your cousin staying with your grandma as a child so ... 🤷‍♀️

Op, you do sound very sensitive. His tattoo would cover healthy skin, yours scars. I really do not like tattoos, don’t get why people would get big ones, but I do get it if you have scars you want to cover and would be really supportive. While if you were a scar free friend who wanted a large tattoo, I wouldn’t. Your mum was awkward but she was probably trying not to say that?
and re the lifts, is that not a really strange thing to say? Why invite someone if you can’t take them there? That’s what I do with my kids friends- if I invite them to something with my child I might make sure I can take them. But he’s 8 years old. It hasn’t occurred to me to make sure friends can get somewhere as part of inviting them since I was about 13?
I know it feels like everyone is against you when you feel this way, but, kindly, these examples don’t tell us that.

I mean it to be a little nasty. Poor character visiting a grandparent solely for the purpose of being fed and when she was of no further use, no visit. She was “babysitted” once a year.

I have stated I have overreacted and taken it to heart. Can’t say no more than that