Always the last to be picked

[SansaStark90]

I don’t know if I’m feeling really sensitive or right to feel valid. I’ve been feeling very low on myself. Very. My family know this. I mentioned in passing to my mum I’d like a little tattoo to cover a scar. She said oh lovely idea. Then we had Sunday lunch with my brother who declared he was having a large tattoo on his arm. She said he’d look awful, begged him not to. I said well you didn’t mind when I said I wanted one. Bearing in mind me and my brother are in our 30’s. She said yeah, but he’s good looking. Meaning he’d spoil himself but must mean no chance of me spoiling myself. I went over this comment for now over three months.

Jump to Wednesday last week. A family member messaged my brother on social media. I’m not on it. Asking if he and I would like to come to see another family member perform at a large venue. Now everyone in my family know how down I am to the point of being suicidal and really struggling. So you’d think I’d be treated a little more gently. She said in the message which was forwarded to me, if my brother couldn’t make it. I should come along and join them. This event was in the next city. Having not been on any form of a night out other than meals I became excited and told him to message her id love to and for to text me the details. In the meantime, I ordered an outfit for next day delivery, booked my nails and lashes in and makeup for the Saturday the day of the event. Presuming as she’d asked and she was driving there, I’d be getting a lift.

So she text me. Tickets are available online. Brother has said he can’t make it due to working….i would have offered a lift but we have a car full (I had no idea and still think this was a lie as when I’ve heard of them going to these events, no mention of others attending.)

For one, heading there on my own where the nearest car park is a fifteen minute walk so I’d be walking to my car late at night in an unfamiliar city. And two, I just felt like she wanted my brother there. But not me. I felt small. Inferior. And unwanted. I’ve been very emotional about the whole thing since.

Were you pressurised into giving your brother the money ? were you still a child when the decision was made or was it something you did once you became an adult ?

I had spinal surgery which was quite a big op, I saw quite, to minimise in my own head, so a large op. A few traumatic things at once and you know how they prep you for surgery. No nail polish, nothing but a gown. I felt stripped of who I was even after.

Thats really encouraging that I could get my brain back to how it was. I’m going to do some bed time reading on this.

I wish there was more nhs help out there. They fixed me physically. Mentally - they put me on antidepressants. In the last week and a half I’ve cut my dose down to half and when I’ve said I’ve cried for two days straight, I’ve never known me to be mentally like this. The antidepressants have messed with my head so much, even when my mood isn’t bad I’m just zoned out, in a trance. I couldn’t be happy or sad. So at least I’m feeling something again, just wish it wasn’t this bad.

I did make the decision when I was a child, mid teen, my dad gently suggested what about my brother but to be honest I have a saviour complex. I tried to save and help my mum and I volunteered to split it with him so I was helping him. I come from a very traditional background in that you help close family out and have a close dynamic. For the most part, I enjoy this.

Yes please do Google the brain scan images.
Roughly its stress = bad. Est safety physically, then relaxation = good.
And nutrition. Healthy fats. Brain has better chance of regeneration.

Apparently Anti depressants work differently for different people, and also for genders.
As men and women have different nervous system ( hormone) responses
I here people say they found the right one for them and something can 'click'. This happened for me. I found one that felt like a 'lift' and boost not lobotomy. Which also experienced and was horrible.

There could be one that helps. And you don't have to take anything forever.
I'm hearing the words 'trauma informed healthcare' a lot atm as latest buzzword.
And it seems to be right way to go although of course the gp's seem like the last to know.

Alongside the psychology,
Have you heard of link workers and social prescribing? GP's can connect you with local programs. For instance there's a walking group for people experiencing trauma near me.
occupational therapy can be prescribed by gp as well.
They might be able to get you a social worker or some kind of help to navigate this time.

Mentally - they put me on antidepressants. In the last week and a half I’ve cut my dose down to half and when I’ve said I’ve cried for two days straight, I’ve never known me to be mentally like this.

That might be quite fast depending on your antidepressant - try a slower pace of tapering off, and do it supervised by your GP if you aren't already. It might also partially explain why you're feeling worse than usual about your mum/cousin etc!

But if you are annoyed that everyone in your extended family believes you unjustly inherited EVERYTHING and you’re in contact with your cousin's, as is your brother, why haven’t you told them you shared half with him? Why complain he’s getting off scott free in the resentment
stakes but refuse to correct their assumption when you’re in contact?

You need to get off this Mumsnet thread and start following some of the good advice you have had already and get help. You know you need it, but you won't get what you need here by continuing this and responding, you will go deeper and deeper into blaming yourself and your immediate family. Please finish this thread and get some good counselling and therapy. I wish you well for the future.

This might seem like utter tone deaf nonsense but I think it's important to eat properly.
My brain doesn't fare well on a diet of Kit Kats and coffee and wine.

I’m so confused.
You took your uncle to chemo 3 x a week but he died when you were a child?
Also is this cousin the child of the uncle? Was she disinherited and the money went to you? If so, of course that’s going to hurt.

In terms of you saying you can’t go alone etc - I know it’s not quite this simple, but on the surface of it, if you’re able to arrange an outfit and multiple beauty appointments and I assume attend them independently, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to assume you can also get yourself there.

You are confused. The uncle had no children. The aunt was taken to chemo. The cousin is the aunt's child