Always the last to be picked

[SansaStark90]

I don’t know if I’m feeling really sensitive or right to feel valid. I’ve been feeling very low on myself. Very. My family know this. I mentioned in passing to my mum I’d like a little tattoo to cover a scar. She said oh lovely idea. Then we had Sunday lunch with my brother who declared he was having a large tattoo on his arm. She said he’d look awful, begged him not to. I said well you didn’t mind when I said I wanted one. Bearing in mind me and my brother are in our 30’s. She said yeah, but he’s good looking. Meaning he’d spoil himself but must mean no chance of me spoiling myself. I went over this comment for now over three months.

Jump to Wednesday last week. A family member messaged my brother on social media. I’m not on it. Asking if he and I would like to come to see another family member perform at a large venue. Now everyone in my family know how down I am to the point of being suicidal and really struggling. So you’d think I’d be treated a little more gently. She said in the message which was forwarded to me, if my brother couldn’t make it. I should come along and join them. This event was in the next city. Having not been on any form of a night out other than meals I became excited and told him to message her id love to and for to text me the details. In the meantime, I ordered an outfit for next day delivery, booked my nails and lashes in and makeup for the Saturday the day of the event. Presuming as she’d asked and she was driving there, I’d be getting a lift.

So she text me. Tickets are available online. Brother has said he can’t make it due to working….i would have offered a lift but we have a car full (I had no idea and still think this was a lie as when I’ve heard of them going to these events, no mention of others attending.)

For one, heading there on my own where the nearest car park is a fifteen minute walk so I’d be walking to my car late at night in an unfamiliar city. And two, I just felt like she wanted my brother there. But not me. I felt small. Inferior. And unwanted. I’ve been very emotional about the whole thing since.

😅

I have thought that I have ptsd as Im a different person now. I have nightmares, not about it, but really vivid night terrors where I wake up and cannot breathe. I am so afraid of going to sleep. I don’t. So I’m constantly functioning on 10% due to no sleep. I am constantly anxious and on guard.

I really appreciate your kindness. My looks are a very sensitive topic so I have really taken my mum’s words to heart, as the surgery I had I’m always paranoid how different I look.

I thought it was funny the sitted comment. Not nasty

Exactly. She doesn't understand why I just want her to like the way I look. My boss literally doesn't care about my appearance as long as I'm clean and smart, and certainly wouldn't break human rights laws to "hide me away", and all my landlord cares about is whether I can pay the rent. This has only been since this specific choice I've made about my appearance, so only since the beginning of the year. I'm 57, I should really be allowed to look how I want, as long as my boss approves.

How was your mother in a position to say this to your boss and landlord

My mother has never met any of my employers and would never be in a position to do so,

When did I say I don’t like them? I love them and just want my mum’s positive support, not put downs. I resent that my brother benefitted from my uncle and got away with not being the villain, so I resent the situation. Not him. On the whole I like spending time with my family, regardless of my age. Alternating between different relationships, friends, family, work - is healthy, for me.

OP I feel bad for you, I understand the feeling of wanting your mums approval and I don't think it's easy to let that go. I don't know what your mums opinion is on tattoos but I think back tattoo's look a lot nicer and have a lot more longevity than arm tattoos. However thats only my opinion and I wonder whether that was behind your mums comments?

I think counselling would only be a benefit to you, why not try it?

Spending time with your mother is clearly not healthy for you, Her comments play on your mind and are destroying your self esteem and confidence, I limit contact with people ( and cut out ‘friends’) who make me feel that way as they will eventually destroy you

Gosh! Is this the way you speak to your family? I would not want to take you in my car if you are likely to call another passenger badly educated or cold.

OP I have sympathy for how you feel. It can take a long time to realise that a mother isn't always the way you want her to be and it can take longer coming to terms with that.
There is a thread on here called
but we took you to stately homes
Reading some of that may help or posting on there it's very supportive.
No arguments about spelling or grammar.
💐

Irdk what mumsnets issue with these types of threads are. The replys are mostly appalling - well i do, it's a mixture of 'internalised misogyny' and projecting.
Calling OP a wet lettuce, saying her brother sounds 'more fun' and belittling someone for not wanting to be alone after dark after being attacked.
Piling on and projecting.

Literally, mob mentality and victim blaming.

Making assumptions left right and center and then telling the op they are assuming.

It's internalised misogyny bc the deathly shuddering and tutting is from your own projected fear of societal ideas about 'weakness'.
Not wanting to be seen as a 'victim' so your re-inforcing those patriarchal values.
By deneying 'weakness' and rewarding 'strength '

Weakness and victimhood exist - they are not an eternal state or a personality.

This all is from women who follow trends,
Depend on others to tell them what's acceptable. Spend all their lives subconsciously trying to 'fit in'.
Will take no wider responsibility for the issues facing their communities, won't put themselves out for anything/anyone.
Live viacariously through their children. and have just discovered they can wear trainers WITH a dress. Stone the flaming crows.

Op you sound really kind, intelligent, hard working, empathic.
Driving your family to chemo and helping out your uncle.

Your kindness obviously ment a lot to him if your the only one he left anything to.

You might feel alone and invalidated but you have a major opportunity to change course, the house and money have given you a way out of being dependent on the family system.
Yes the family have let you down emotionally, and will likely continue to ( not bc of your failing but sadly people create coping skills of 'punching down' and before wide spread therapytalk was normal, these are the unseen dynamics that have made up society. )
But with this, quite significant £££ help you could change the course of your life.

It's human nature to need your parents approval/guidance/emotional support.
But if its not comming, and millions of people feel like this, you could seek other senses of help, build yourself up and create a different support system ( maybe that sounds far off. )

Look up 'Cen'
Childhood emotional neglect
Just don't expect your mum to ever grasp or take responsibility for your needs - she won't be able to with her own mental health issues. That doesn't mean you can't have a lovely life, even if you have a differcult backstory.

You resent your brother because you decided to give him half an inheritance?

@SansaStark90 do you still have regular therapy sessions? If so, it might be a good idea to bring up the even incident with your therapist and explore your feelings of being unwanted around it.

For most posters here, it seems obvious that there was no slight intended and as one poster pointed out, your feelings aren't fact. They are, however, your feelings and you can't help having them. It can be hard to be rational when our thinking is skewed by trauma or past events. And I just really don't think getting into spats with Mumsnetters or being snarky about SPAG is going to help you in any way.

You went through truly awful times with your mother. You have complicated feelings and a complicated past with your extended family. A professional could really help you navigate it all.

Okay, that's bloody horrible. I'm not surprised you are upset.

I think your DM could have been far more tactful in her response but to me the placement of a tattoo does make a difference. I would imagine a large arm piece would be far more noticeable and distracting than a delicate back design. Do you often wear clothing that would put it on display? I also wouldn’t try and encourage someone who wants a symbolic tattoo not to get it, especially if they are already fragile but if my son just fancied a massive bit of ink on his arm I’d possibly tell him it’s a idiot move (I’m not against tattoos, I actually have two small ones that are hidden everyday and still love!)

It’s also hard to arrange something with a person who isn’t in the original chat channel. They didn’t have to invite you but they chose to because they would like you there. Find a way that works for both you and them, I’m sure it will be worth it

@SansaStark90

I think you need to cut yourself some slack and remember that if you are very low, it makes you much more sensitive to everything because you are raw and vulnerable.

The tattoo thing - I see why you are upset but I think it's more likely that the scar is the difference here. I don't like tattoos personally so if a friend told me they were getting one ' just because', I'd try to dissuade them. but if a friend told me they were getting one to cover a scar, I'd think that might be a good thing for them and support them.

The difference is that a person trying to cover a scar is specifically engaging in body modification to improve the scar's appearance - presumably something that bothers them.

I am sorry you are feeling so down - I know what that is like I have been there - but like I said, do remember it makes you more raw. Socialising is good if you can face it when you are down - isolation makes it worse - so congratulate yourself for being interested in going out!.

I resent that my brother benefitted from my uncle and got away with not being the villain, so I resent the situation.

You said upthread that you haven't told anyone you shared your inheritance with your brother. Why not? Why not at least tell your parents?

My parents had to know as I was a child when my uncle died. I mean outside of my parents and brother no one else knows. Unless they have guessed with the house he bought I’m unsure

OP you don’t seem to be listening to the people who say you need counselling.

Yes, your mother sounds difficult and undermining but you cannot change that. You can only change how you react to her and counselling would help with this and help build resilience and address your sensitivity to her slights.

I am OKish but I have had therapy for ever.

I'm sorry you feel "left out" by your cousins but you admit that they are much older, virtually another generation. They did invite you to the event - and as that invitation was through your brother they could as easily not included you and you might never have known.

Your solo inheritance from a mutual uncle has marked you out as different to them. I'm sure they would have benefited greatly as well if he had shared it between all his neices and nephews. Of course nobody is entitled to an inheritance and you have explained that nobody else visited this uncle. However, you were still a child, and visiting him partly to escape your unhappy home life. So not really any more deserving?

I think your mother is clumsy and thoughtless. Saying that your brother should not spoil his good looks with a tattoo does not mean that you are not good-looking because your proposed tattoo would be hidden and you want to cover a scar.

@QueenQueef25 Fantastic post.

Oh no she didn’t say it to them. She said “do you think your appearance is the reason they put you out on the balcony?” For some reason she thought I was out on a balcony all day in -2 degrees. And “you won’t get the flat because of your appearance.” This flat I now live in. I look like a perfectly normal middle aged person.

@TheLovelinessOfDemons I have a dad like that. Thinks the fact that I have not spent my life trying to ‘improve’ my looks to be more attractive to men is why my life is ‘so shit and sad’ - by which he means not defined by a man. It absolutely riles him, even now in the last years of his life, that I dare to be happy without his and General male validation. Can’t understand why I have a job, or why an estate agent sold a house to someone as awful as me! Every time I turn the key in the lock I do a little happy dance at how much it annoys him!

Has he always been like that? With my mum it’s only been since the start of this year.