Always the last to be picked

[SansaStark90]

I don’t know if I’m feeling really sensitive or right to feel valid. I’ve been feeling very low on myself. Very. My family know this. I mentioned in passing to my mum I’d like a little tattoo to cover a scar. She said oh lovely idea. Then we had Sunday lunch with my brother who declared he was having a large tattoo on his arm. She said he’d look awful, begged him not to. I said well you didn’t mind when I said I wanted one. Bearing in mind me and my brother are in our 30’s. She said yeah, but he’s good looking. Meaning he’d spoil himself but must mean no chance of me spoiling myself. I went over this comment for now over three months.

Jump to Wednesday last week. A family member messaged my brother on social media. I’m not on it. Asking if he and I would like to come to see another family member perform at a large venue. Now everyone in my family know how down I am to the point of being suicidal and really struggling. So you’d think I’d be treated a little more gently. She said in the message which was forwarded to me, if my brother couldn’t make it. I should come along and join them. This event was in the next city. Having not been on any form of a night out other than meals I became excited and told him to message her id love to and for to text me the details. In the meantime, I ordered an outfit for next day delivery, booked my nails and lashes in and makeup for the Saturday the day of the event. Presuming as she’d asked and she was driving there, I’d be getting a lift.

So she text me. Tickets are available online. Brother has said he can’t make it due to working….i would have offered a lift but we have a car full (I had no idea and still think this was a lie as when I’ve heard of them going to these events, no mention of others attending.)

For one, heading there on my own where the nearest car park is a fifteen minute walk so I’d be walking to my car late at night in an unfamiliar city. And two, I just felt like she wanted my brother there. But not me. I felt small. Inferior. And unwanted. I’ve been very emotional about the whole thing since.

OMG, she has explained this 3 times, RTFT!

No, I think the OP says that uncle was childless -- the cousins are, like the OP, his nephews/nieces.

Obviously growing up with the instability of a mentally ill parent has, inevitably, impacted your wellbeing. However, you are asking for validation and sympathy for your fragility whilst dismissing hers as an impediment to your childhood. Can you see the fundamental contradiction there. She did not get help (which would have improved her children’s lives) and you’re repeating the pattern.

i think you are turning your loneliness and sadness into anger towards others because you feel powerless. But this is a situation that you can change. You’re focusing on the negatives and not recognising what you’ve already achieved:-

You built a strong relationship with your uncle who clearly valued you, this in spite of a lack of support in your immediate family

You performed academically at a time when your family life was chaotic showing real strength of character and resilience

You are financially secure when many others aren’t. You shared this with your brother so you’re a decent, caring person.

Your family may well be full of dysfunction but only you can separate emotionally and build other support networks that will make you less reliant on their company.

If it’s daunting to you to talk openly with a therapist then I recommend reading around the subject of childhood trauma as it will help you understand your feelings and find ways of dealing with life when you’re overwhelmed. In particular I recommend “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk.

Start working on your self esteem slowly and understand that you may feel worse before you feel better. Owning that scary, not nice things happened to you as a child isn’t easy but ultimately it will make you feel like you have agency in your own life and aren’t at the mercy of others’ feelings and actions.

I'm not sure this is ever a good forum for this type of question, but I just want to wish you well and hope you get the offline support you need. We cannot control how others see us, we can just do our best and focus on the opinion that matters: how we see ourselves.

No, you're not horrid, more that you're insensitive to others' feelings . Hard to believe you actually corrected the poster.

How about Monday's?

Dog SITTED? I hope you don't teach English? 😜

Your thinking is very transactional - you visited your uncle, so he left you all his money. You took your aunt to appointments and dog "sitted", so your cousin owes you a lift. Do you ever do nice things for people just because you love them? Or just because they're nice things to do?

Oh sweetheart, you are going through it, aren't you? First, you have recognised that you are down. That's a good starting point to feeling better. When we are feeling especially low, we can see everything in a negative light. Because you feel that way, I would ask how long you have been feeling this way? If it is persistent, have you spoken to your doctor? You speak well with clarity. I think you'd do very well with talking therapies.

As for the event, I do think your cousin was unkind to you.
She possibly wanted to protect you from feeling like the odd one out as she'd be with her mates.
Her reaction and comments were bound to make you uncomfortable at the least.
Try to put it behind you and make plans for the future you can look forward to doing.

It doesn’t work like that. Maybe she is not as grateful about the chemo support as you think she should be. Maybe she can’t see why you don’t get a taxi to drop you off at the venue door if you’re scared. Maybe she’s uncomfortable with you because of some part of your very traumatic and awful family history.

It doesn’t work like that. Maybe she is not as grateful about the chemo support as you think she should be. Maybe she can’t see why you don’t get a taxi to drop you off at the venue door if you’re scared. Maybe she’s uncomfortable with you because of some part of your very traumatic and awful family history.

It doesn’t work like that. Maybe she is not as grateful about the chemo support as you think she should be. Maybe she can’t see why you don’t get a taxi to drop you off at the venue door if you’re scared. Maybe she’s uncomfortable with you because of some part of your very traumatic and awful family history.

The comment reagading your brother being good looking was incredibly bitchy, does your mother often verbally attack you?

Because I know that hurt - when people feel attacked. They attack.

I was looking for sympathy just so I thought I’m not sensitive and been constantly put down by my own mother has been hard. These are just a few comments that I’ve reached an age where I’ve had enough. I’ve had them all my life. All you ever want is your mother to love you. If your mum isn’t your cheerleader, then who will be?

My uncle was a gay man shunned for being strange. He loved literature and art. Can anyone honestly say they are given the opportunity for a large sum of money and spread it out to cousins I hardly see. And that wasn’t through choice. They are twenty years older than me. My parents had me late and were younger than their siblings.

I came here to post this very thing.

And to compound it all, your evident circuitous thinking, anger and most probable PTSD means you need a very specific type of therapy. Which you desperately need in order to move forward with your life.

An element of mental illness can be particularly self-indulgent for want of a better word. And there is a generous helping of egocentricity in your posts as well @SansaStark90. This is not to flame you incidentally (and yes, I am qualified) but it's obvious you're in a bad place and sometimes help is essential in order to move on. Have you heard of EMDR?

If you have the funds, I'd urge you to speak to a clinical psychologist.

Your hurt feelings are leading you to be unkind to others 😔

Focus on your friends, build your own chosen family. As a gay man your uncle maybe also had his own chosen family - which included you.

Your biological family is shit, and you're not getting the positive feelings you understandably want and need.

Suicide only hurts those left behind. The danger isn't you will physically 'harm her' but that you could harm yourself and shes the 'witness' that has to cope with that.

Do you know the sheer damage it can do, my uncle found a family member that committed suicide, spiraled from PTSD and depression, got hooked on drug and then took his own life too... he never got over it. He had been perfectly happy and fine before finding that scene.

It DOES have an effect on other people, its not just about the one person.

No one said you are ugly with a tattoo, a back tattoo (mostly hidden) and arm tattoo (often visible) are different as is the reasons and I assume the design. Also your mother doesn't like tattoos but was being supportive of you and your needs, she was being nicer to you than your brother who got the shit end of the stick of being berated about his body choice.

You also ASSUMED someone would give you a lift, even though you are capable of getting yourself there but don't want too. It seems like you jumped the gun because no one offered that at any point. You could still go but are choosing to cut your nose of instead.

You seem to be locked into a victim mentality, speak to a doctor about your depression as it usually an imbalance that can be controlled. You don't need to live feeling like this but its not anyone else's fault that you do, you cannot shift blame where there isn't any blame to begin.

The brother can be good looking, OP mam never said she wasn't also good looking.

The mother said her brother getting a huge visible tattoo would spoil his good looks (while talking about the brother) and OP too that to mean on the flip side 'I mustn't be good looking then' but no one said that.

Its a wildly different scenario, placement and tattoo.

@SansaStark90 I know you're hurting so I say this as kindly as possible, you're being quite nasty on this thread and that will only inspire people to be nasty back.

If you're not in a good place mentally right now, I really don't think it's a good idea to do that to yourself!

Wow ! you pulled another poster up on spelling, but go and make two spelling errors yourself in just one of your replies.
you ask for kindness and understanding etc. on this thread yet you are unkind ( and that's me being polite ) to several posters...

This exactly. Take time away and stop looking for sympathy, it’s not what you need and isn’t going to help you.

The tattoo issue is likely your mum knows that your scars represent a bad memory and the tattoo replacing it will become a good memory. But your brother wants something big (and probably not at all hidden) for cosmetic reasons and it is a totally different situation.

I would caution against coming onto mumsnet for advice because whilst 90% of the time you’ll get nice replies, there is still that 10% who will find a reason to be dicks. Fine on normal days, but if you are feeling suicidal or particularly down, it can be a bad place to be.

Hope you are doing ok though

To be honest. Apart from that snarky reply about spelling. Where have I been really unkind?