Always the last to be picked

[SansaStark90]

I don’t know if I’m feeling really sensitive or right to feel valid. I’ve been feeling very low on myself. Very. My family know this. I mentioned in passing to my mum I’d like a little tattoo to cover a scar. She said oh lovely idea. Then we had Sunday lunch with my brother who declared he was having a large tattoo on his arm. She said he’d look awful, begged him not to. I said well you didn’t mind when I said I wanted one. Bearing in mind me and my brother are in our 30’s. She said yeah, but he’s good looking. Meaning he’d spoil himself but must mean no chance of me spoiling myself. I went over this comment for now over three months.

Jump to Wednesday last week. A family member messaged my brother on social media. I’m not on it. Asking if he and I would like to come to see another family member perform at a large venue. Now everyone in my family know how down I am to the point of being suicidal and really struggling. So you’d think I’d be treated a little more gently. She said in the message which was forwarded to me, if my brother couldn’t make it. I should come along and join them. This event was in the next city. Having not been on any form of a night out other than meals I became excited and told him to message her id love to and for to text me the details. In the meantime, I ordered an outfit for next day delivery, booked my nails and lashes in and makeup for the Saturday the day of the event. Presuming as she’d asked and she was driving there, I’d be getting a lift.

So she text me. Tickets are available online. Brother has said he can’t make it due to working….i would have offered a lift but we have a car full (I had no idea and still think this was a lie as when I’ve heard of them going to these events, no mention of others attending.)

For one, heading there on my own where the nearest car park is a fifteen minute walk so I’d be walking to my car late at night in an unfamiliar city. And two, I just felt like she wanted my brother there. But not me. I felt small. Inferior. And unwanted. I’ve been very emotional about the whole thing since.

You are obviously going through a tough time at the moment

Kindly, I think you are over reacting to both the examples you have given. A small tattoo to cover a scar is very different to a large arm tattoo, which I expect is why your mum reacted differently

With the second example I would take it at face value and assume they do a have a car full (it’s a strange thing to lie about as would be pretty obvious if you got there and the numbers didn’t add up). Why don’t you just park in the same car park they are using, then you can still walk back together?

Where/what was your tattoo and respectively his?
I think from your post you're stuck in that negative mindset where everything is taken really upsetting and hurtful, even if no intent.
You put everyone in my family know how down I am to the point of being suicidal and really struggling. So you’d think I’d be treated a little more gently
How much do you expect them to focus on this, do you know what's going on in their lives, any struggles, difficulties?
Did you offer anyone a lift?

I think if you have been down and suicidal she is possibly nervous about going with you on your own. Your brother would have been there to help get you there etc and now he’s not going. Have you seen this person recently.?
it is thoughtless of her not to give you a lift but you should go. She wouldn’t have invited you if she didn’t want to see you.
Surely if it’s a show you are going to see lots of people will walk to the car park when it ends and you’ll be fine.

Mine wouldn’t be a small tattoo I had spinal surgery up 3/4’s of my back.

I know what you are saying. It was how the text was worded. Your brother is working and that’s who we wanted to see is how I took the message.

An uncle died who I was the only one who visited him. He left me all of his estate. I’ve tried to brush things off as paranoia but another cousin didn’t even send me a wedding invitation but did to every other family member. A cousin I barely saw so no reason to hate me. My brother saw him even less than me. But got an invite

The tattoo comment makes sense to me. She doesn’t like tattoos normally but can see the point if it’s to cover a scar. Nothing nasty there.
With the family event, they did invite you which means they want you there, but they expect you to make your own way. You’re right that they aren’t thinking of you with the care and protectiveness you would like, but perhaps it is all they can offer at the moment. You have family who spend time with you, and I’m sure they care about you but maybe not in the ways you want most at the moment.

Why would she be nervous? It’s not like I’m a danger. I’m down on myself. Not anyone else. I think that’s where the stigma of admitting you aren’t ok comes from

But what is your expectation of support from them?

His tattoo would cover his arm. Mine would cover most of my back surgery scar which is large.

No I didn’t offer a lift as I wasn’t really given a chance. I don’t expect privileges with being down. But I wouldn’t invite someone if I knew I couldn’t take them there and make them feel included. That’s just how I am. I’d have gladly given a lift. But don’t know the others who were supposedly in attendance

If it had been worded liked that. No probelm.
it was the, but he’s good looking part. Would no one else not take offence to that?

None. A lift. That’s all. So I wasn’t walking in an unfamiliar city on my own and felt included in the event

She said yeah, but he’s good looking. Meaning he’d spoil himself but must mean no chance of me spoiling myself

For posters defending the tattoo comment, did you miss this? Completely inappropriate and undermining comment.

Thank you. This is my mother. My mother putting me down in comparison to my brother. I’ve had a life time of it and it’s got to me. The straw that broke the proverbial back

Your Op said you want a ‘little tattoo’ hence the confusion.

I imagine the cousins are annoyed that the uncle left everything to you. Not your fault, but could be the reason.

When I invite people out, I don’t typically expect to have to give them a lift.

It’s lovely that you would, but you can’t expect people to be like you.

Can you message them to say you’d like to park next to them at the car park?

Sorry I’m very teary writing this. I call it little as it would like something floral just alone the centre of my back. Long tattoo but little in it wouldn’t take up my whole back.

Yeah you are right and I wish I was the type who didn’t take it to heart but as I didn’t do anything to wrong them, it upsets me. My mum was in and out of psychiatric facilities growing up where they had more stability. I always thought they wouldn’t begrudge me visiting an uncle who showed me love and care and they were never to be seen.

Your uncle was free to leave his estate to whoever he wanted, so don’t let it upset you.

Is it possible your mum was joking with the ‘he’s good looking’ comment?

I think what it is, is I don’t normally expect to be carried. But this is a cousin I rarely see. I don’t know anyone who she is going with. She will have had free tickets to the event. I had no problem paying for a ticket, but so I didn’t feel a tag along. A lift I would have greatly appreciated.

In hindsight. If she’d wanted me there. She’d have text me directly. I think it was a polite, ohhh and sansastark is invited too. I got excited and didn’t really see that. Just hurt.

I really wish that was the case but I suspect not. A few years ago I didn’t knock at the door and let myself in to my parents. My mum was on the phone to an aunt. My brother was a go getter so successful. Then there’s sansastark…..yeah I have an average job, average home and single. But I really didn’t think I was the disappointment she clearly thought

Ive never heard someone discuss me behind my back before. The feeling of my heart racing and struggling to hold back the tears - I’ll never forget what she said. Or how it made me feel

When did you last invite your cousin to an event and collect her or take her?

Then it might be a combination of things. Your cousin may not know how much you’re struggling or she may still resent you for the inheritance. Was it a life changing sum of money?

Inheritances (or lack of) can make people act differently.

Never as I don’t really go to events for a a few years as I have been struggling. Plus, I would never think she’d want to go with me so wouldn’t ask. I definitely have never got the vibes I’m liked! I did however take her mum three times a week for chemo last year in the next city. I like to help family out and if it were reverse. I’d have given her a lift knowing she’d already be nervous about feeling left out

@nomas it was enough to put me through uni with no debt and pay for a house. If I had never visited a relative I wouldn’t think I had a right to be mad. I will try to toughen up. I think there’s resentment between my brother and me without him knowing though as I split this inheritance with him. So he was set up too. However, my family don’t know that. So just me who is the villain

OP, I’m sorry you’re feeling so miserable, but I can’t help but feel you’re over-dwelling on negatives, and you seem to have a real complex about your brother.

Rather than focusing on the event invitation, you focus on the lack of an offered lift. Rather than focusing on your uncle’s care for you and his bequest, you focus a cousin not inviting you to a wedding.

(My mother has always been mortified by my successes because she thinks they make her sound as if she’s ’getting above herself’ — it would be nice if she were proud of me, but she is who she is. I once won a major postgrad scholarship and was in the local paper — I overheard her telling an neighbour I was ‘too lazy to get a job’. And both my sisters are considerably better-looking than I am.)

Kindly, you are a person, you are not the words other people say about you.

You are giving people - your mum, who can be unkind and unstable - way too much power over you.

Please, please get talking therapy. (It really helped me, and others I know).

It sounds like some of your family resent you for having inherited from your uncle.

And it sounds like your mum favours your brother.

Both things really suck, sorry.

I think you need to concentrate on other relationships and friendships, and potentially limit contact with toxic family members for your own well-being.

Do you have a counsellor or therapist you're seeing? If you're feeling really low, please seek real life support today.