Always the last to be picked

[SansaStark90]

I don’t know if I’m feeling really sensitive or right to feel valid. I’ve been feeling very low on myself. Very. My family know this. I mentioned in passing to my mum I’d like a little tattoo to cover a scar. She said oh lovely idea. Then we had Sunday lunch with my brother who declared he was having a large tattoo on his arm. She said he’d look awful, begged him not to. I said well you didn’t mind when I said I wanted one. Bearing in mind me and my brother are in our 30’s. She said yeah, but he’s good looking. Meaning he’d spoil himself but must mean no chance of me spoiling myself. I went over this comment for now over three months.

Jump to Wednesday last week. A family member messaged my brother on social media. I’m not on it. Asking if he and I would like to come to see another family member perform at a large venue. Now everyone in my family know how down I am to the point of being suicidal and really struggling. So you’d think I’d be treated a little more gently. She said in the message which was forwarded to me, if my brother couldn’t make it. I should come along and join them. This event was in the next city. Having not been on any form of a night out other than meals I became excited and told him to message her id love to and for to text me the details. In the meantime, I ordered an outfit for next day delivery, booked my nails and lashes in and makeup for the Saturday the day of the event. Presuming as she’d asked and she was driving there, I’d be getting a lift.

So she text me. Tickets are available online. Brother has said he can’t make it due to working….i would have offered a lift but we have a car full (I had no idea and still think this was a lie as when I’ve heard of them going to these events, no mention of others attending.)

For one, heading there on my own where the nearest car park is a fifteen minute walk so I’d be walking to my car late at night in an unfamiliar city. And two, I just felt like she wanted my brother there. But not me. I felt small. Inferior. And unwanted. I’ve been very emotional about the whole thing since.

Why do they deserve a penny from a man they hadn’t seen in thirty years. My cousins are much older than me. That’s hysterical.

You don't seem to have any understanding of your mums mh difficulties and struggles, multiple hospital admissions and suicide attempts? That would have been awful for you AND your brother, and her sisters as well. However you're asking for kindness and support without offering the same.

You sound like hard work OP. Get over yourself.

You've been invited out, so g out and have fun. They haven't made excuses to not go/uninvited you etc.

Just park next to your family... Then no "walking alone in a strange city" and the like.
Why not offer to take a passenger of theirs in your car as well? Save them squeezing in, gives you a bit of company etc.

Suggest you all meet up for drinks/meal before concert too.

Your mum’s comment about the tattoo is horrible if that is how she said it. The event though doesn’t sound as though it was unreasonable. You assumed wrongly that you would be picked up. You should have checked before going all out and spending on nails etc

But I’m not ‘assuming’ that, @SansaStark90 — I absolutely get that you had a very difficult upbringing (mine was far from ideal and I dealt with CSA, so I’m totally sympathetic to the lingering negative way childhoods can live on in adult lives), and that leaves a mark. I just think that looking for validation from your mother, or a cousin you don’t know that well, isn’t going to help you feel valued. Your uncle clearly loved and valued you, and while dead, he’s also family, surely? And while I e found therapy terribly hard, and uncovered legions of cans of worms, it’s been helpful. Best wishes.

Exactly. People don’t make things true by saying them. Anyway, we all see things so differently.

I guess this forum shows you only see a snapshot. I’m not difficult as a person. I actually wish I was and more direct. I’m a people pleaser. Happy go lucky. Only my family know my struggles. Not one other person would guess.

I have every sympathy for my mum. She was an only child. Aunt is through marriage. I have sympathy for us all. You would just think if you had put your children through that, you’d only praise them. And not pit them against each other.

No doubt you've had a difficult upbringing OP, but the onus is now on you as an adult to sort out your mental health. No one else can do that for you.

Your posts are negative, your reactions to normal family situations are quite extreme and your reactions to people on here are extreme.

Looking at the night out another way, you were invited to join a group to attend a event for free. How kind of the family member. You assumed a lift, most wouldn't. You could park next to your relative and walk together.

Not for free. They were all going for free. I was sent the link to pay for tickets. That part I didn’t mind though.

If your mum is mentally unwell then you shouldn’t take her comments seriously. Are you in therapy and taking antidepressants for your depression? I was suicidal in my teens so I wouldn’t want to spend my spare time with someone who’s suicidal, especially if they weren’t actively trying to get better. Maybe that’s why people aren’t inviting you to places.

I think the uncle leaving you all his money is huge and you brought it up as an aside

I think you are massively underestimating others hurt and jealousy over this , you are very logical and see it as fair and reasonable but there may have just assumed that some cash was coming their way , that kind of money is life changing and coupled with your depression may make relationships awkward

money is often the root of all evil in family fall outs

All my friends and colleagues invite me out to meals, bbq’s etc. No complaints about my mood or wanting to spend time with me. Always have a smile on my face. My depression is hidden and only family knows. I have tried therapy and yes on antidepressants. I had an event that I would say only time will let me move on from. Antidepressants I wouldn’t advocate even though I’m on them.

From what you have written it doesn’t seem that you will ever get the support you want from your family. They seem a bit unpleasant. I would consider backing away from them and concentrating on improving other areas of your life, work, friends, hobbies etc.

To me it is an aside. I valued his time and care. Not his money. That was a bonus and something I was too young at the time to even consider. People shouldn’t assume they will be left anything as a divine right.

Thank you. Ive chosen and have been lucky with those I’ve invited into my life and me theirs. With family, they are what they are. You just dream of more.

I echo all the other comments - though they did not name so - about rejection sensitive dysphoria, black and white thinking with a focus only on the black and lack of capacity of understanding the other's perspective and how that might calibrate their reactions.

I understand you want us to be kind to you, and you should be treated kindly, but you need a more realistic view of what is in happening and how these events are to be interpreted. Your perception and reactions are way off.

So much to unpick here.

Your cousin invited you out, it’s not her job to also organise your transport, you are an adult and can manage yourself given you have a car. Can you take a friend as well?

Secondly, it is not everyone else’s job to make allowances for you because of your mental health, that is for you and your therapist to manage.

Your mother sounds unwell and has been for years, so maybe she doesn’t communicate very well. Do you feel she has always favoured your brother openly? Are you the black sheep or made to feel that way? If you are, your mental health will vastly improve moving away from her/them. Or spending less time with them if you live independently.

Go to the GP and ask for CBT, your mindset is the issue here. The problems you describe are every day issues, but they are being magnified by a root cause based in childhood.

I mentioned in passing to my mum I’d like a little tattoo

Mine wouldn’t be a small tattoo

Which is it? Small and little are pretty much synonymous.

I agree inheritance isn’t usually a right. But put yourself in their shoes. They see their cousin inherit enough money from a shared uncle to buy a house and go through university debt free and then expect a lift to an event as well. I think it’s understandable that they would think ‘why can’t she drive herself or get a taxi?’. It’s human nature.

Plus you say you always have a smile on your face so your wider family may not know how low you feel?

Wow.

And the money is no doubt the cause of resentment and jealousy from your cousins, with respect leave them to it. They may have expected you to share it with them, and feel bitter when you didn’t, it was your right to decide.

How is it thoughtless to not give the OP a lift? She's an adult with her own car, she can drive herself. It's not like the relative offered a lift and then changed her mind, the OP just assumed. If there's no space in the car then there is no space in the car.

My reaction is wow to you. They left him to care for himself with no other visitors but me. Yet want his money?

"dream of more"

You have a very high bar.

Please use some of the money you got from your uncle and get some counselling.
it sounds like your mother has mental health problems and you have been affected by them.