Always the last to be picked

[SansaStark90]

I don’t know if I’m feeling really sensitive or right to feel valid. I’ve been feeling very low on myself. Very. My family know this. I mentioned in passing to my mum I’d like a little tattoo to cover a scar. She said oh lovely idea. Then we had Sunday lunch with my brother who declared he was having a large tattoo on his arm. She said he’d look awful, begged him not to. I said well you didn’t mind when I said I wanted one. Bearing in mind me and my brother are in our 30’s. She said yeah, but he’s good looking. Meaning he’d spoil himself but must mean no chance of me spoiling myself. I went over this comment for now over three months.

Jump to Wednesday last week. A family member messaged my brother on social media. I’m not on it. Asking if he and I would like to come to see another family member perform at a large venue. Now everyone in my family know how down I am to the point of being suicidal and really struggling. So you’d think I’d be treated a little more gently. She said in the message which was forwarded to me, if my brother couldn’t make it. I should come along and join them. This event was in the next city. Having not been on any form of a night out other than meals I became excited and told him to message her id love to and for to text me the details. In the meantime, I ordered an outfit for next day delivery, booked my nails and lashes in and makeup for the Saturday the day of the event. Presuming as she’d asked and she was driving there, I’d be getting a lift.

So she text me. Tickets are available online. Brother has said he can’t make it due to working….i would have offered a lift but we have a car full (I had no idea and still think this was a lie as when I’ve heard of them going to these events, no mention of others attending.)

For one, heading there on my own where the nearest car park is a fifteen minute walk so I’d be walking to my car late at night in an unfamiliar city. And two, I just felt like she wanted my brother there. But not me. I felt small. Inferior. And unwanted. I’ve been very emotional about the whole thing since.

Thank. You. Hearing someone say. I get it

But you wouldn't be turning up to an event knowing nobody, you have a relative performing and other relatives in the audience.
Also, this venue is in a local city.

Honestly the way you talk about this makes it sound really intimidating when it's a local event featuring family members. The way you're presenting it you'd think you were being asked to walk down skid row.

I also think that due to your inheritance there is an attitude of your family inviting you to stuff but being very adamant in their minds that they won't be going out of their way to pay/help you. Eg "she can use some of that inheritance to get a taxi to the venue" etc etc.

My view would be that if you have received an enormous inheritance you can pay for yourself for everything for the rest of your life

I think this is why I don’t admit to a wider circle I’m depressed. It’s used as a tool against you and everything is blamed on that. Must be because of her depression. What if I’ve just had enough of being the ostracised one?

I guess it’s reflective of how obsessed by money people are

This really is the kind of thing only a person who has been given a free golden ticket for life would ever come out with

I was always going out on nights out, I had a traumatic life event and it’s changed me to where I prefer meals out, smaller things to build my confidence back up.

One of the bizarre thigns about depression is it doesn't care. If you are a multi millionaire these bloody thoughts circle around and around. Thinking " I'm lucky , people are worse off than me" is hopeless. Infact it can make somebody worse.

rejection sensitive dysphoria, black and white thinking with a focus only on the black and lack of capacity of understanding the other's perspective and how that might calibrate their reactions

I think it's shit to be rejected and ignored, nothing to do with dysphoria.

It sounds like you've had a difficult time from childhood compouned by a traumatic event. Possible clinical depression & ptsd. Please get help, the quicker you start the sooner you'll feel better.

Ring the GP today and get the ball rolling, you don't have to feel like this.

"But he's good looking" is a really nasty comment and was totally unnecessary, I agree.

But the event stuff ... you sound like someone who tends to be very woe-is-me and that you think others should pander to you. When you wanted to accept the invitation you told your brother to message cousin. FGS ask for her number and message yourself!

You don't think they were as keen on you coming as your brother - it sounds like they are closer to him and maybe he is more upbeat and fun. I'm sorry to hear you are having struggles with your mental health but people tend to want to socialise with people who are fun. (I'm an introvert with resting bitch face and I definitely don't get as many invitations as my bubbly extrovert friends.)

No free ticket, but as you pointed out you are set up for life financially (and there is probably some resentment about you being the only one to inherit from uncle).

You expected a lift - why? You have your own car and can easily afford it. Walking to the car park after an event finishes is fine, there will be loads of people heading there, it won't be isolated. I doubt she lied about having a carful - the number of people would be obvious when you arrived.

It does sound like there is a golden child/scapegoat dynamic in your family and that is totally shit. I'm also the scapegoat in mine and spent years feeling hurt and resentful but in the end you have to let it go and live your best life as you can't change other people. If you expect others to notice and make it up to you, it won't happen, sorry.

Okay. Then it’s time to take a step back, focus on yourself and get yourself some therapy.

Sounds like your mother isn’t as well as you seem to think. You unfortunately (!!!) can’t change that.

You can however change how you react to this and what kind (if any) relationship you want to have with your mother (and family in general).

I think when someone is attacked on a night out where they have there jaw broken, and this is widely known, means walking to a car alone is daunting. I didn’t want to share that as it’s extremely personal but I’m definitely not being dramatic.

Things you can change/things you can't change.

When overwhelmed with feelings I hate this and find it bloody irritating! However, it has some merit.

Bloody hell, I'm so sorry OP. That is absolutely awful.

I really sorry that happened to you, but, respectfully, it’s your choice whether to attend the event, with the travel options available to you. If you (understandably) feel daunted after being attacked and injured, then just refuse night time engagements for the moment. It’s not reasonable to expect a cousin you don’t see often to have your fears uppermost in mind when issuing an invitation.

I have not been on nights out since it happened and friends have been really good to me. I just thought as I had taken her parent to chemo, she knew me circumstances, she’d have done me that little favour. My bad and I’ll move on and learn from it

My Limited diet meant I lost lots of weight so didn’t have to pay for mounjaro. Every cloud

Thank you for your kind advice

Your OP described it as a “little” tattoo, not a whole back piece. This reads like you’re adjusting your story to sound more reasonable when you’ve been told you aren’t being so.

Kindly, if you’d said you didn’t drive at all and had presumed a lift alongside the invite it would be one thing. But saying you do drive and have a car but are unsure of walking alone from venue to car park after the show? Nah. Surely you could just arrange to park near where your family are parked, at least in the same car park so you can walk there together when it ends.

I understand your MH is suffering right now but you’re not helping that by focusing on these feelings of exclusion, even when included. “Yes but I should have been more included” is a dangerous thought process and leaves people exhausted and walking on eggshells trying not to offend the person.

To clarify on the tattoo. It’s a large scar but a thin like up the centre of my back. A thin floral farro is long but not a huge artwork covering my back. Sorry i don’t know whether to refer to that as small or large. I’d consider a delicate piece like that smallish

*line

I don't think OP is in a great place to be a reliable narrator of events right now, and the most helpful thing is likely to be getting treatment and focusing on mental health recovery rather than legislating family incidents.

If is not co.fortable for you to walk why don t you take a taxi? I'm sorry for what happened to you but you do sound like hard work. You say you are ostracised I don't see how. You were invited out but you want someone to come pick you up. You are an adult, if I invite someone out it wouldn't cross my.mind to offer them a lift as well. You have some trauma but that is yours to sort, there are way around it people came with solutions but you keep going on about it. My sister is the same, is hard for me to invite her along somewhere because I have to think for her the transport and the logistics. Frankly, I'm not doing it anymore, either you plan accordingly or stay home. I love her but is draining.

You can even draw a couple of circles and put in things I can change/ can't change.

God I'm great at this! if only I applied it to myself.

You say you're suicidal but yet you're not a danger. Those two things can't both be true.

Maybe she was thinking you weren't well enough to want to come alone? But she still invited you. I'd never expect a lift from any family member.

I honestly think you should just go along and enjoy it. You're finding the worst in people where there is no bad intentions.

A small tattoo would cover a small scar. A large scar means a large tattoo.