Always the last to be picked

[SansaStark90]

I don’t know if I’m feeling really sensitive or right to feel valid. I’ve been feeling very low on myself. Very. My family know this. I mentioned in passing to my mum I’d like a little tattoo to cover a scar. She said oh lovely idea. Then we had Sunday lunch with my brother who declared he was having a large tattoo on his arm. She said he’d look awful, begged him not to. I said well you didn’t mind when I said I wanted one. Bearing in mind me and my brother are in our 30’s. She said yeah, but he’s good looking. Meaning he’d spoil himself but must mean no chance of me spoiling myself. I went over this comment for now over three months.

Jump to Wednesday last week. A family member messaged my brother on social media. I’m not on it. Asking if he and I would like to come to see another family member perform at a large venue. Now everyone in my family know how down I am to the point of being suicidal and really struggling. So you’d think I’d be treated a little more gently. She said in the message which was forwarded to me, if my brother couldn’t make it. I should come along and join them. This event was in the next city. Having not been on any form of a night out other than meals I became excited and told him to message her id love to and for to text me the details. In the meantime, I ordered an outfit for next day delivery, booked my nails and lashes in and makeup for the Saturday the day of the event. Presuming as she’d asked and she was driving there, I’d be getting a lift.

So she text me. Tickets are available online. Brother has said he can’t make it due to working….i would have offered a lift but we have a car full (I had no idea and still think this was a lie as when I’ve heard of them going to these events, no mention of others attending.)

For one, heading there on my own where the nearest car park is a fifteen minute walk so I’d be walking to my car late at night in an unfamiliar city. And two, I just felt like she wanted my brother there. But not me. I felt small. Inferior. And unwanted. I’ve been very emotional about the whole thing since.

I would take offense at the good looking part. It was definitely thoughtless. She probably didn’t mean to imply that you’re unattractive. It’s quite likely that she simply meant that your scar was unsightly whereas your brother’s arm isn’t. but that’s not what she said. and I would find that hurtful.

Is she usually this way? If she is a generally loving and supportive mother I would however encourage you to talk this out with her. Give her the chance to take back that comment and explain what she actually meant.

aa for the event? I think you’re being extremely unreasonable. She invited you. She wants you there. But you are an adult. You have your own car and money. So she expects you to come and go on your own without her facilitating the journey. Which is absolutely reasonable imo.

are you in therapy? Do you feel that it’s been helpful?

I do believe that you need to get a thicker skin. Which is something one can (to an extend) learn with therapy, coping strategies, cutting certain people out of one’s life, potentially medication etc. You deserve to be happy. No matter your extended family!

edit: you have cared for your uncle, which is commendable. You’ve inherited his entire estate which has allowed you to graduate from university debt free and own your own house after sharing your inheritance with your DB. This is obviously a rather life changing amount of money for most people (including you). Should you feel bad about this? No. Should you be grateful? Yes.

you have a cousin that invited you and clearly wants to spend time with you. That is something to be grateful for.

depression (occasionally) has this nasty side effect of making people unable to see the good in their life. Without being aware of the good, the gifts and privileges they’ve received they obviously can’t appreciate them and be grateful. Is that potentially happening here?

Were any of these 'resentful' cousins your uncle's children?
My depression is hidden and only family knows
Given that you clearly dislike your family, and feel that they do not provide the level of care and attention you need, why have you shared so much with them, rather than friends you say care for you?

That's people..

Always expecting money from dead relatives.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling so low and that you clearly had a challenging life experience due to your mum’s mental health. As many others have already pointed out, trauma can put you on high alert for ‘danger’ (I put that in quote marks because it’s what your brain perceives as danger rather than actual danger). When you’re on high alert, things which would seem upsetting for you, won’t be for other people. My mum is always commenting on the success and beauty of my sister in comparison to me but it doesn’t bother me as I’m OK in myself.

On here, you’re very prickly to anyone who isn’t validating your feelings, and that’s hard because your feelings are shaped by your experience, something that most of us don’t have.

But, comments on the initial posts.

It’s the description of your tattoo as small and the fact that it’s on your back which makes it different from your brothers.

Whilst you’re right, your Uncle can leave his estate to whoever he wants, that doesn’t stop his children being upset and angry about it. Just as you’re entitled to your own feelings, they’re entitled to theirs.

The night out, you made an assumption about the lift, that wasn’t what they had in their heads, that’s all it was. Nothing more significant or meaningful.

I know it’s hard getting treatment on the NHS but I’d go back to your local Talking Therapies service for more CBT. I think it might help alongside antidepressants. But part of this is recognising that if you want things to change, you have to accept that your thought pattern is unhelpful to you and detach yourself from it as the sole truth.

I must have my depression blinkers on as I expected criticism and advice, but surely from my mum I deserve much more and I thought I’d get more validation that that is shitty. She isn’t mentally unwell anymore. She got help and since my adulthood has completely turned around. Her constant criticism is where my true sadness stems from.

In regards to the lift. It wasn’t just the lift. It was. Ohh brother can’t come he’s working, after he had told her this. As in he’s working do you know that. I wouldn’t want to drive there on my own she said. Without me even asking. It was every excuse in the book. Basically, I wasn’t wanted. And to be honest, if someone is coming on their own, so they didn’t feel alone. I’d ask if someone else could drive. Or say would you drive with me and x and Y? It wasn’t me feeling a tag along that made me feel silly. Also, I think it was rather kind of me to give up my time three times a week to take her parent for chemo. Maybe I expected a little kindness in return

If you are able to get some counselling, it will really help to be able to talk to someone.

I think what you're experiencing is signs to bring change into your life. You need to fill your cup to begin with and then spend time with friends who you really love and enjoy their company. Within your extended family, you're far too visible because of the inheritance and other things. Leave them to the back of your mind and let the time pass. Focus on bringing more joy into your life that will help you detach from your family a bit. Unfortunately for some of us, as we get older we realise some things about our parents. I have trained myself to not give a shit now. I'm still working on it but I feel the key is to not give a shit amd use that energy to give more to me and my kids. You can't convince anyone to love you and treat you right so love yourself xxx

Did you ask your cousin to meet at the car park so you could walk to and from the venue together?

I think that the money is likely the cause of the resentment but, reading your posts, I do think that you expect people to consider you in the same way you consider others and I don’t think that’s a realistic expectation. You appear to go above and beyond for others but also expect that to be the norm, when often it isn’t (for anyone).

Your mother’s poor mental health may mean that she can’t see or can’t face the challenges of your childhood. In my experience, people that have severe mental health difficulties can often only see things from their perspective and struggle to accept that their view isn’t an accurate representation of what’s going on.

Maybe your mum disagreed with your brother getting a tattoo because his would obviously be more visible, while yours would be on your back, small/large, whatever. Perhaps she thinks it would ruin his ‘good looks’ being so visible. As for the concert, you surely wouldn’t be the only one walking back to the car park, it sounds near the venue, others would have parked their car there too I would imagine…

Being expected to get yourself to an event is not unreasonable. They invited you; that’s enough. You don’t need to driven; drive yourself. No one slighted you.

Park in the same car park as them and then you’re not walking alone. No one has done anything to you.

are you in therapy?

if not: why?

As I already said: you deserve to be happy. And I strongly suspect that you need a thicker skin to be able to manage life, your own and other people’s idiosyncrasies successfully.

as I’ve already said:

I do believe that you need to get a thicker skin. Which is something one can (to an extent) learn with therapy, coping strategies, cutting certain people out of one’s life, potentially medication etc. You deserve to be happy. No matter your extended family! (or your mother….)

A high bar for my mum to not infer I’m ugly in comparison to my brother. Or speak about me negatively when she doesn’t think I’m around. Maybe you have a low bar?

À high bar for the night out and your expectations of others based on your replies in this thread.

Take some personal responsibility for your happiness and get therapy.

What jumps out at me is how involved you are with your family despite them having caused you grief. You're close enough to them to be casually going to events with cousins, close enough to your parents to be walking into their house without knocking. Nothing wrong with that, I'm just saying you're 34/35 judging hy your username and many people that age would have a loving yet more distant relationship with family, particularly when abuse has been involved as you say it has.

You're massively downplaying your inheritance. While people can leave money to whoever they like, unless a relative has physically nursed you in ill health, or moved you into their home in your old age, or helped you in some kind of crazy above and beyond way, I find it really disproportionate to leave everything to one person. You were able to buy yourself an education and a house while your relatives got nothing, all in exchange for simply "visiting". I visit my aunt all the time, more than my sister as my sister has a much more demanding life. I would never expect to be left my aunts entire estate, and if I were, I'd be giving her her chunk. I'm not surprised they expected you to buy your own tickets 😅 It's reading to me like they think you've had an easy ride, and so now while they're happy to invite you along to stuff, they've got an attitude of "she can sort herself out".

Finally, I find you to be a somewhat unreliable narrator, namely due to you switching back and forth on your tattoo size.

My childless uncle who was also their uncle. I never said I disliked them. I get the distinct impression I’m the one unliked. Maybe depression. Or maybe too many coincidences to not be paranoia

I think the money is the issue. Was your brother left any or just you? They probably expected you to share it out a bit even though they weren’t entitled to any. They sound resentful and honestly I would let them crack on. Surround yourself by good friends. I don’t think your feelings should be minimised. As someone with a narcissistic mother my experiences of my childhood differ from my sibling who was the golden child. Therapy did help me come to terms with it a bit.

Your depression is certainly shaping your thinking but your thinking is also shaping your depression I think.

You cannot assume that everyone thinks like you, they just don’t, because we are all different.

Your mum sounds like a thoughtless cow, that’s not going to change no matter what you do or think sadly. So you have choices of whether to continue to have contact with her, and either call her out on it, laugh at her, or let it get to you, or disengage from her. Ultimately it is within your gift to decide what you do (but do that as part of therapy because your depression won’t help you make rational and balanced decisions).

So much of your posts is ‘well I would do this, so I’d expect them to do it, and the fact that they don’t is an indication of how they don’t care / don’t like me’, life isn’t like this and people aren’t like this. If they were, we would have no need of elections, different colour paint, types of car, styles of clothes. We would all be carbon copies of eachother. How dull would that be?! Everyone is different and they don’t have to live to your script, and that is why life is frustrating and hurtful and confusing but also enriching and challenging and exciting.

If you were the only one who benefited from your uncles inheritance I’m not suprised they expect you buy your own ticket. Why can’t you?

never mind seen you don’t mind paying for it.

that said why are you so reliant on them? If they make you feel like this why haven’t you distanced yourself?

I did give my brother half. Even though he wasn’t left anything.

What do you want people to say? That you’re 100% right?

”yes, Sansa. Your mother thinks you’re ugly. Yes, your cousin didn’t truly want to invite you. Yes, your cousin won’t give you a lift because she doesn’t want you to attend the event she invited you to.”?

chat bots are excellent for that kind of echo chamber. You don’t need mumsnet for that.

your mother’s comment was quite nasty but there are quite a few context clues that make me and others believe that she potentially did not mean it (and was thoughtless instead of intentionally mean).

if your mother has form for this kind of thing? If she’s repeatedly done that? Yes, that would obviously change things.
and it might be time to take a step back and concentrate on your friendships and on therapy.

It is quite possible that there is resentment between you and your cousin.
Part of being a functioning adult is learning how to deal with that (low contact, no contact, talking it out, thicker skin etc. There are various methods). If you want to be happy, you need to work on yourself. Focusing on other people’s attitudes to you - which you cannot change - will only bring you unhappiness and despair.

I guess it’s reflective of how obsessed by money people are. The point is of course I could pay. But when she was being given lots of free tickets, it wasn’t the money, it was another hint of maybe you aren’t wanted. No ticket for you. Not lift for you. How would I know they’d even acknowledge me when I got there and involve me. It’s intimidating turning up to an event where you know no one.

I respect other people’s views about inheritance. But I am firm in my view if you haven’t seen or spoken to someone in thirty years, to expect an inheritance is a joke really.

Having not been on any form of a night out other than meals I became excited
Are you saying you've never been out in the evening before?

In your mid 30s you don't need to be having such present relationships with relatives. Brothers, cousins, even your parents: these are relatives a lot of people would just see once a year at Christmas. You don't need to be so involved with them if they make you feel bad. Is there a reason why they are so centre stage?

Depressed people always think they hide their depression well. Use some of the inheritance for weekly therapy.

She spoke about me being a failure in comparison to my brother when on the phone thinking I wasn’t there. If she did that once, of course I’d think there’d be other times. There’s lots of other things, criticisms weekly. Some comments are the straw that breaks you

@SansaStark90 people are horrible to each other. It's probably no consolation bu tthe way my family treated me was quite unbelievable. It played out in wills and money. If you are a person with a shred of sensitivity family can be tough.

Can you put your ( limited) energy into positive things....friends, work, hobbies or just wandering around a local park. Try to shut down these ruminating thoughts.

I get it.

You are enough, You don't need vaildation from your mother.