DH’s defence of his calamitous weekend - am I ‘nagging’?

[BrightJen]

Hi all,

I’ve had enough this weekend and need to vent. I am at my wits end with my DH, to give you an idea of how our weekend has gone, I’ve thought it easier to bullet point:

-We attended a local VE Day picnic on Saturday. DH went out to get the bits for this. He comes back with a family pack of sausage rolls and a share bag of crisps. That’s it. There’s us plus two DC.

-DH is miserable when we are getting ready, like he didn’t want to go and one of my DC even commented to me he was in a mood.

-At the event, he moaned there was nothing to do (there was stuff for kids, a band, play ride etc) and just looked like he didn’t want to be there.

-Our DC went to get an ice cream and during this time I saw him stare at a woman on multiple occasions. He may as well have been open mouthed gawping. He denied this (I understand people are only human and will notice others, but this was ridiculous and uncomfortable)

-Today, I took one of our DC to an event linked to their hobby and was out from 10-5. I asked DH to go to the supermarket before closing at 4 to get dinner. He somehow mismanaged his time to miss the closing.

-He said not to worry and he’d sort it, and went to a local petrol station. The shelves were bare however and he returned with a mis-match of instant noodles, a pasty and tinned beans/sausages. Ridiculous. We haven’t got the money spare for a takeaway this weekend.

We’ve had a discussion this evening and he’s basically taken no responsibility for anything and said he is sick of me ‘nagging’. He said I should have given him a list for the picnic if I was that set on certain things and that he can’t even admire another woman without me getting jealous (bollocks).

I said admiring a woman is as close as he will get if he keeps on like this. He told me that he couldn’t help but look at her and he (quoted exactly) ‘hopes her husband utilises that arse’. Yes, he used the word ‘utilises’ when describing another woman’s body part.

Sorry for the long post, but any reassurance that I’m not being totally unreasonable would be welcome!

I'm sorry OP this is only going one way so probably best to take matters into your own hands now

'I don't nag, I ask for the bare minimum and you can't do it. You're not a child John but clearly you think you're mine. I don't want a third child, thanks. It's evident you are also looking for bullshit excuses to cheat. I have no interest in being made the bad guy so you can justify your wandering eye. It's pathetic and you should be ashamed of yourself'.

Get a solicitor seen, it's divorce time. Don't tell him that until you get your ducks in a row though.

It can’t be put anymore succinctly than this.

Excellently put

I would reply and explain that his lack of apology is why you’re not able to just cut him some slack. Yes, everyone has off days but that doesn’t mean they don’t have to apologise.

I would say that you assumed at his age and after X years parenting he would know what a family picnic for a day trip looked like but you can write a list for next time if he needs it. Add that he is equally responsible for feeding your children healthy food containing all the food groups every single day whilst they’re in your care, otherwise it’s neglect and the actual issue was that he chose to watch football and drink over contributing to the household.

I would then say that you are not nagging, you are asking for him to simply be an average husband/father. None of this asking for more than that. If he wants to not listen, call you a nag and take no responsibility in this matter than his eyes can wander away because you won’t be with him anyway. You’re not going to put up with having a rubbish husband - you and your kid deserve better.
He needs to realise that woman don’t have to put up with men making zero effort to help with family life whilst making gross sexual comments about other women.

Be furious but try to be blunt and calm: keep batting the blame back to him. It’s ridiculous that he’s had time to think and has doubled down on blaming you. Take the power back: stay calm, laugh when he tries to pin it on you and tell him that you know you deserve way better. Because you do.

I agree with sodthesytem

Agree. Although I would say 'choose not to' do it rather than 'can't'.

Wow what a lovely one you have there!

Incompetent pervert. Get rid.

Does your husband not realised he is a married man with kid's? Does he not realise that his wife does not want to hear what he said about that lady and to see him staring several times at another woman on a family day out?

I know a lot of married couples with children and they have all had days at kid friendly events. There have been several times they would prefer to be elsewhere but they went, took part in things and made sure the kids and the other parent had a nice day out. Then the whole thing with the shopping well that just I could not be bothered and if I do a bad job I won't be asked to to that job again.

Your husband just wants to live in this house and meanwhile you can do everything at home along with all the child minding. After his behaviour this weekend and then those text messages I would start to get my ducks in a row.
I would gather up all the financial details including his pension and speak to a solicitor about a divorce. I would say nothing to him about this until you find out where you stand.

Tell him today that you have had enough of his behaviour this weekend. Tell him that as married parents you have to go to childs events and that he also needs to start pulling his weight at home. Tell him that he will be getting a list of things to do each weekend and it will include bringing the kids to a big grocery shop. He will also be bringing kids to their events and to birthday parties.
Having to bring kids to events and pull your weight at home is the reality for any married couple with kid's.

My feeling is that he wants to remain at home until he has another woman willing to take him on and then it will be your fault if your marriage end's.

After his behaviour this weekend and the lack of making any effort I would be planning to get a divorce. I feel that he has been like this for a while and you have ignored things but you have now realised just what a dick he is.
Also you don't want your kids seeing his behaviour and thinking that it's fine. You don't want to be dealing with him and entitled teenagers in the future either.

I’d get rid.
Tell him he’d better learn to shop better ASAP because he can’t feed sausage rolls all the time when he’s got 50/50 custody and you aren’t there.

Nor do “hot women” flock to middle aged incompetent twats with kids in tow. Dream on, bro.

So he is basically threatening to cheat on you? Nice. He sounds disgusting.

This is an excellent reply,

I think I would add something like, so the ball is in your court, either show me you have changed through your actions or ship out.

Don’t take any notice of his words op - which are bad enough - it’s his actions or lack of them that count.

I can’t get what he said about that other woman out of my head though. I am not sure that I would want to reconcile with someone who even thinks like that about women, never mind says it out loud to his wife.

The comment about healthy food would make me livid too! As if that is solely your responsibility and fathers are only capable of feeding dc crap. Utterly pathetic.

I can only conclude that he knows very well what he is doing and this is some sort of calculated plan. That comment about wandering eyes does sound like a threat and shows he is thinking about it,

Get your ducks in a row op. Passports, mortgage, insurance, wage slips, pensions etc etc. I’m sorry but he doesn’t sound like a friend to you anymore. It’s awful but I think you need to start accepting that as a strong possibility, Be ready for him to pull a fast one.

I hate to raise adhd, but is he? Time management/organisation is a key problem. I bet he isn’t this useless at work!

Please, come on. ADHD might explain his chaos but it doesn't explain his contemptuous attitude.

Anyone i know with ADHD would have been phenomenally upset and/or apologetic about the picnic or the supermarket, never mind both. They wouldn't have topped it off with making out OP was nagging and insulted her by gawping and making crass comments about another woman

This.

Wow!! Women don’t like having to parent their husbands. Makes them unattractive and makes us want ti find an actual partner else where! I’m so furious for you!!

Obviously his uselessness is your fault:/

It is without doubt now that he is either already having an affair, or wants to have an affair and absolutely would be given any opportunity.

the off day he is absolutely right on, but the repugnant comment, the threatening of the affair, the looking to twist the blame to you - nope.

im sorry op.

take some time, but the best thing you can do now for yourself is to keep your cards close to your chest and get on top ducks wise.

evidence of the affair would be good since he wants you to be the bad guy, despite the bad guy actually being him.

hes scum.

An old boss of mine had a saying for moments like this. Speak softly but carry a big stick.

“Put up and shut up or I’ll cheat on you” 🤢

I have far, far from a perfect relationship - and yet I can honestly say that I can count on zero hands, the amount of times my partner has commented on another woman in the entirety of my relationship which, lets just put it this way, is years upon years.

Of course, he'll look. People are attractive and it's natural to look. But if you must look, you do it respectfully, without being obvious, and not making either your partner, or the object of your desire, uncomfortable..

(I'm sure the 'pick me girls' will be along shortly to tell me how he only won't do it for fear of my reaction - nope, he'd be equally as upset if I did the same, as is something he commented that his ex did that he really didn't like). After so long together, we're hardly jealous - it's just common decency and not rude behaviour.

That he ramped it up not only from obvious gawping, but hideously disrespectful comments, is LTB behaviour for me. Does he not realise that the woman if she knew about it, would, in all realistic likelihood, find his comments really crass, and as a result, him creepy and crass? It's almost predatory isn't it. At the very least it's complete objectification. He's disrespectful to you, disrespectful to women in general, disrespectful to his kids for ruining a day out, and as others have said, just generally useless.

It's like he's just not even present. What's the point of him?

Absolutely he chooses not to. But I went with 'can't' because it make'll him feel that I think he's a moron. Go for his pride. It needs a shaming.

Succinct and to the point - what use is he exactly?

Is he twelve?

He needs a list from mummy to show the nice man in the shop?

Reading your final update OP, that would guarantee him a monumental tongue lashing. Absolute load of self excusing horse manure.

Working hard to bring in the money - aye right. What does he do exactly 🤔

So fundamentally his attitude is, don't ask me to do anything or I'll look elsewhere? The "utilisation" comment was disgusting.

We are all entitled to lazy weekends and a VE day picnic is definitely not my idea of fun, but we've all done this stuff to keep the kids entertained.

Time for a very serious conversation I think about how things need to improve.

OP I posted this yesterday before your last update.

I stand by it.

Get ready to divorce him because ultimately he is on the look out for a replacement because he can't be arsed to parent. He's looking to blame you for his own can't be arsedness in the process.

He has doubled down and still thinks he's hard done by. He is not. He is not willing to accept any responsibility or admit he is wrong.

You can choose to be in control of this or be caught out when he eventually finds another servant to feed his ego.

He does not love you. Deep down you probably realise this at this point.