DH’s defence of his calamitous weekend - am I ‘nagging’?

[BrightJen]

Hi all,

I’ve had enough this weekend and need to vent. I am at my wits end with my DH, to give you an idea of how our weekend has gone, I’ve thought it easier to bullet point:

-We attended a local VE Day picnic on Saturday. DH went out to get the bits for this. He comes back with a family pack of sausage rolls and a share bag of crisps. That’s it. There’s us plus two DC.

-DH is miserable when we are getting ready, like he didn’t want to go and one of my DC even commented to me he was in a mood.

-At the event, he moaned there was nothing to do (there was stuff for kids, a band, play ride etc) and just looked like he didn’t want to be there.

-Our DC went to get an ice cream and during this time I saw him stare at a woman on multiple occasions. He may as well have been open mouthed gawping. He denied this (I understand people are only human and will notice others, but this was ridiculous and uncomfortable)

-Today, I took one of our DC to an event linked to their hobby and was out from 10-5. I asked DH to go to the supermarket before closing at 4 to get dinner. He somehow mismanaged his time to miss the closing.

-He said not to worry and he’d sort it, and went to a local petrol station. The shelves were bare however and he returned with a mis-match of instant noodles, a pasty and tinned beans/sausages. Ridiculous. We haven’t got the money spare for a takeaway this weekend.

We’ve had a discussion this evening and he’s basically taken no responsibility for anything and said he is sick of me ‘nagging’. He said I should have given him a list for the picnic if I was that set on certain things and that he can’t even admire another woman without me getting jealous (bollocks).

I said admiring a woman is as close as he will get if he keeps on like this. He told me that he couldn’t help but look at her and he (quoted exactly) ‘hopes her husband utilises that arse’. Yes, he used the word ‘utilises’ when describing another woman’s body part.

Sorry for the long post, but any reassurance that I’m not being totally unreasonable would be welcome!

Be a better husband/father, step up and put me in a position we’re equal parents rather than me having to manage your life. When I ask you to get dinner, get dinner… it’s not fucking hard. Only rubbish men complain they’re nagged because the good ones aren’t being shit.

i have zero tolerance for this nonsense (you might pick up on the vibe). No woman has ever enjoyed nagging a man to do the fucking basics.

So why are you still married to him? Why did you marry him in the first place tbh?
Also why send him for food sunday given he fucked it up saturday? Maybe learn from your first mistake? At least give him a list as he’s obviously useless.
The mind boggles with these types of posts.

He’s making it clear he doesn’t want to be part of the family. I’m sure this isn’t a one off. The marriage seems over.

Make sure to give him a list to pack his stuff when kick his arse out. Utilise a woman? Why are you still married to this creep?

Possibly but it’s a good turn of phrase I think. Really sums up the lengths some men will go to to avoid being helpful, functioning members of a family.

Op he sounds like a total pillock.

Was he having a bad day or is he always like this?

I said admiring a woman is as close as he will get if he keeps on like this. He told me that he couldn’t help but look at her and he (quoted exactly) ‘hopes her husband utilises that arse’. Yes, he used the word ‘utilises’ when describing another woman’s body part.

Oh, good grief. Please say you don't still love him.

What a prince. Get rid.

That's a terrible run of behavior, and I'm guessing that if it was totally out of character and he's usually lovely, you'd have said. So for me it's a question of: how much longer do you want to put up with this? Do you both work? Who owns the house?

-There may be some logic to the theory that he deliberately cocked up the shop on Saturday. He knows what we’d usually get for picnics and it’s a lot more than that.

-He said he simply lost track of time so by the time he realised it was close to 4 he wouldn’t have got there in time. My DC who was at home tells me he was watching football for most of the afternoon and also had a couple of cans to drink (I’ve not told DH I know this)

-He has never commented on another woman like that in front of me before.

I hope he earns well (like 200k well) because hes bringing fuck all to the party otherwise is he?

I have noticed a change in him in the past year or so. Just generally more negative and at times, a bit lazy. A friend I mentioned it to recently suggested he could be having a bit of a mid life crisis.

That's really disrespectful. I'd be grossed out if my husband spoke about a woman like that.
He can't even many to get a dinner? Corner shops would have been open if thr petrol station was bare.
Useless scumbag

The part about about 'utilising her arse' would be the end for me with a filthy pig like him. He has no respect. Do you want this creature to be a role model for your children?

Sounds like he is interested in someone else. The way he is treating you with zero respect, if it is a new thing, would suggest he’s starting the script of how bad your relationship is and how your nagging has pushed him into her arms.

He sounds useless and disgusting.

Fair play some people’s brains work differently and can’t randomly compile a mental list for a quick shop but then they make an actual list and follow it 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s not that hard and it sounds like he’s weaponising his incompetence against you.

The thing with the other woman is just vile, he does seem checked out of being a father and a decent husband.

It is far far too generous of you to label this a mid life crisis.

he has completely checked out, possibly cherchez les femme, and is trying to twist it so that you’re the bad guy, so it’s your fault when divorce happens.

this is nasty op I’m afraid, whether you’re ready to believe that yet or not

You can't be happy with this idiot surely? Is it time to consider your other options?

He has never commented on another woman like that in front of me before.

Possibly trying to friend zone you.

Sounds like he's checked out of your relationship tbh...

The shopping sounds like it needs a rethink from both of you. Why are you shopping one meal at a time? There must be a better solution i.e. a weekly grocery shop like everyone else does!

The comment about the woman would give me the ick to such an extent that sex with him would be a no-go forevermore and I'd be thinking about whether I wanted to stay in a sexless marriage.

If he's been a good guy up until now then I would think he's maybe having some mental health problems/has a problem with his brain and I would ask him to see a GP/get some counselling. I would be making it very clear that there needs to be a significant change on his end or I'd be making one.

Its quite a common phrase that's been going for a while. It's not rocket science

Weaponised incompetence and a creepy, misogynistic, moody prick?

Anyone else wet? 🙃

You've had a lot of feedback. But yes weaponised incompetence is a useful way to describe this. It's deliberate. He clearly for whatever reason didn't want to engage this weekend. But couldn't be fucking arsed to say. He needs to articulate, why he gets to opt out of daily life and parenting, and you don't? You don't need to give him a list, he can make his own list. That is sufficient to deal with family needs.

Surely he should be the one to learn from his first mistake of cocking it up the first time? How do people always manage to turn it around so it's the woman's fault?

The reason she married him is because he probably hid this side of his personality in the beginning like most men do.