DH’s defence of his calamitous weekend - am I ‘nagging’?

[BrightJen]

Hi all,

I’ve had enough this weekend and need to vent. I am at my wits end with my DH, to give you an idea of how our weekend has gone, I’ve thought it easier to bullet point:

-We attended a local VE Day picnic on Saturday. DH went out to get the bits for this. He comes back with a family pack of sausage rolls and a share bag of crisps. That’s it. There’s us plus two DC.

-DH is miserable when we are getting ready, like he didn’t want to go and one of my DC even commented to me he was in a mood.

-At the event, he moaned there was nothing to do (there was stuff for kids, a band, play ride etc) and just looked like he didn’t want to be there.

-Our DC went to get an ice cream and during this time I saw him stare at a woman on multiple occasions. He may as well have been open mouthed gawping. He denied this (I understand people are only human and will notice others, but this was ridiculous and uncomfortable)

-Today, I took one of our DC to an event linked to their hobby and was out from 10-5. I asked DH to go to the supermarket before closing at 4 to get dinner. He somehow mismanaged his time to miss the closing.

-He said not to worry and he’d sort it, and went to a local petrol station. The shelves were bare however and he returned with a mis-match of instant noodles, a pasty and tinned beans/sausages. Ridiculous. We haven’t got the money spare for a takeaway this weekend.

We’ve had a discussion this evening and he’s basically taken no responsibility for anything and said he is sick of me ‘nagging’. He said I should have given him a list for the picnic if I was that set on certain things and that he can’t even admire another woman without me getting jealous (bollocks).

I said admiring a woman is as close as he will get if he keeps on like this. He told me that he couldn’t help but look at her and he (quoted exactly) ‘hopes her husband utilises that arse’. Yes, he used the word ‘utilises’ when describing another woman’s body part.

Sorry for the long post, but any reassurance that I’m not being totally unreasonable would be welcome!

How is it the OP's way of doing it? And how would making a list be less micromanaging?

This is one of the many reasons why we should have equal parental leave for both parents to be taken consecutively and is not transferable.

If men were at home for a year while their wife returns to work they would need to step up.

I was sympathetic and thought maybe he was just a bit run down this weekend or something until the utilizing arse comment!

Because he’s a useless cunt and contributes nothing and I expect that the OP does literally everything else. Asking a grown man in the morning to make it to a shop before 4pm is not asking too much. It’s astonishing. This man is beyond selfish and deliberately incompetent. He needs to go live alone and stop blighting this home with his misogynistic presence.

Getting only a family pack of sausage rolls and a sharing bag of crisps , is something my husband would’ve maybe done in the past 🤪 he’d have thought that was a suitable picnic and thought we would probably buy some ice creams there .
But gawping at another woman , making comments like that and not even getting proper food in for your dinner when you were busy all day with one inf your children ?
Utter incompetence and disregard for you all

Manchild.

I initially thought he had a point about the list & then I thought well no, why couldn't he write a list?

It's not as if it's that hard to think of what you'd like.

Hmm, that would involve thought & effort on his part though.

He sounds as though hes depressed,or has checked out. I would be very upset at the comment about another woman.Is he often like this? I feel generally there is a lack of respect for women more than previously.A 15 year old may be expected until hes grown up a bit.A MA man No.People will say LTB on here a lot ,but with DC its never easy ,and they know that.I read somewhere that this sore of behaviour gets worse as they try and get attention . If you want to stay then you need to have a 1 to 1 ,No awful comments about other women .Share shopping and chores, and man up to doing childcare including boring fairs .If this is a ine off can be nipped in the bud .If not then you may have to consider your options .Sending love x

It IS unbelievable.

There are ALWAYS signs. I bet if you asked the friends and family of women who are married to useless misogynistic twats they’d say it was apparent since Day One.

”None are so blind as those who choose not to see.”

Op says he has been like this for the last year or so so there may not have been any signs previously!

He told me that he couldn’t help but look at her and he (quoted exactly) ‘hopes her husband utilises that arse’. Yes, he used the word ‘utilises’ when describing another woman’s body part.

That's enough regardless of the rest of the post. How revolting, he doesn't see you as a wife that's for sure. No husband would speak to their wife about another woman like that. Revolting.

I simply don’t believe it.

No one develops that level of incompetence and misogyny overnight.

What a godawful role model he is for those children.

I’ve known a few women who have been hoodwinked. The guy seemed lovely, no apparent red flags. Then the mask slips after they’re ‘stuck’. I don’t judge them for being manipulated, I judge the asshole for manipulating them.

It’s part of the reason I lived with my husband before we got married, that’s when you really get to know someone. Not everyone does that though (some may be religious etc.).

I grant you there may be some signs (subtle or otherwise) with some, but not everyone picks up on them. Some people just take others at face value, and then get a nasty surprise. Hindsight has 20/20 vision.

Because he is an adult and equally capable of ensuring he and his family have food, maybe.🙄

The shopping stuff I could forgive. Talking about a random woman as if she's an object for her husband to use, I couldn't forgive. OP he sees you, and women in general, as something for men to use. That tells you everything that you need to know.

But some men become radicalised after marriage. The radicalisation of men, especially online, is a big news topic at the moment. It's not just teenagers, it's adult men too.

Also there aren't always signs. Men know what they can and can't say in front of women.

His staring at and comment about the woman’s arse was horrible. The other stuff is bad too, of course.

As there have been negative changes in how he treats you (and the DC) in the last year, would wait until time you’re alone and have it out with him. Ideally couple’s counselling would be good but you say money is an issue.

Regarding the ‘mask’ I think some men sustain it when living together, but not after DC, or change when they drop the effort at any point in time after that - eg if they are not enjoying parenting/responsibility for DC.

He sounds like an absolute tit.

I suppose I should admit that I probably wouldn't be that thrilled about attending a VE Day picnic either... but even then, I wouldn't be a dick about it and I'd make the effort if there were things for the kids to enjoy.

If this is becoming BAU, then he's being a shit partner and a pretty useless dad. Time for a very tough conversation, OP.

Unless he's this fucking incompetent at work, he knows what he's doing.

I’ve had a string of long, rambling messages from him this morning (unpromoted), so he must 1. Not be very busy at work today as this is unusual! and 2. pre-empting I’d be look to speak to him later as our conversation yesterday didn’t resolve anything.

In short:

-No acknowledgment/apology

-I need to cut him some slack, he works hard to bring in money and can be forgiven for an ‘off’ weekend and needing to put his feet up

-Again says I should have given him a list for the picnic and if I was that fussed for a ‘healthy’ dinner on Sunday I’d have sorted it myself rather than gone out with DC all day (forgetting this was for their benefit!)

-I need to realise that men don’t like being nagged as it’s unattractive and all it does is mean their eyes wonder elsewhere

Needless to say I’m furious and have just about managed to hold off replying with a string of expletives!

@BrightJen

So in short...."I am a useless selfish dickhead and I will not change so you need to do better otherwise you will lose me, the prize that I am. FYI I am already eyeing up your replacement".

This sound unsalvagable, I am sorry.

Sounds like the start of the script - he's looking for an excuse to cheat, maybe he already has.

No humility,no apology and everything is still all your fault.
What a useless article.

"I need to realise that men don’t like being nagged as it’s unattractive and all it does is mean their eyes wonder elsewhere"

Sounds like a threat to me. Keep your mouth shut when I fuck up or I'll have a affair. He sounds foul. Does he have any redeeming qualities?

UGH UGH iiiiick.

You have more self control than me.

Sorry but that last part is him setting things up to cheat. 'Its your fault I cheated because you nagged too much ' is coming.

You didn't nag, you asked for the bare minimum, he failed, you gave him a chance to fix it, he failed. Then he ogled someone so vulgarly Infront of you you had to call it out. I'm sure you'd rather have not done so but he made it impossible to ignore. And, he failed in his response again. And now he's failed again by doubling down on his mysoginst bullshit.

I'm sorry op, I'd be done. He's not nice. The bare minimum a partner needs to be is a nice human being.

He's a creep. And an arsehole.

Life is too short.